How do I talk to my mom after she found my suicide notebook.?

I’ve been suicidal and depressed for many years. No one has known or figured it out no matter if I drop subtle hints. One night I felt like it was finally time. I got up. Took the bus to the school that basically was my last shot at a therapist. Was denied because of other issues with the college. I then took the... show more I’ve been suicidal and depressed for many years. No one has known or figured it out no matter if I drop subtle hints. One night I felt like it was finally time. I got up. Took the bus to the school that basically was my last shot at a therapist. Was denied because of other issues with the college. I then took the bus to the mall to buy some earphones so I could listen to all the sad **** I normally listen to to really put me in the mood. I then walked from the mall up the strip to a Walgreens to purchase my notebook and even though I looked for a single pen I had to buy a pack because they didn’t sell singles. The man at the register sensed something was wrong cause he said ‘I have a feeling everything is gonna be okay’ i then took an Uber to the biggest park in the city and sat by the lake and wrote letters to everyone I cared about I kept the book and I recently wrote in it when i was feeling shitty again. It was in my drawer and my baby siblings took it out and my mother found it. I guess she called my aunt cause my aunt picked me up from work saying she wanted to talk when that has never happened. When we finally got home my mom was asleep and now I have to face her in the morning and I don’t know what to say. I’m comfortable in my sadness. I have been for years, my whole life. Deep down I don’t want to fix it. And I hate that people know because everyone is going to look at me different. Exactly what I didn’t want. What do I say to her?
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