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Anonymous
Anonymous asked in Family & RelationshipsMarriage & Divorce · 1 year ago

Help DATING WIDOWED MAN!?

I’ve been dating a man who has been widowed for almost a year. He is 62 and I am 45. He and his wife did not have any children together. But she has a daughter that he raised as his own. We’ve talked about marriage and getting engaged. But, we stumbled on the conversation of death and last night he told me that he definitely wants to be cremated and he has already TOLD HIS DAUGHTER. The deceased wife was also cremated so I am assuming this are plans they made together. This entire conversation left me feeling some kind of way. How can he be seriously considering marrying me yet when he dies his daughter will come in and do as she pleases?

Is this how things are generally handled?

Please help!

15 Answers

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  • 1 year ago
    Favorite Answer

    My folks are a little older than your boyfriend and while they haven't pre-planned their funerals, they've told me they want to be buried in our church cemetery and I know their general wishes for a funeral, were the worst to happen unexpectedly. IMHO it was wise of your boyfriend to inform his daughter of his funeral plans.

    Please forgive me if I'm reading between the lines incorrectly, but are you concerned that someday his ashes will be buried next to his wife's instead of next to you, or that both sets of ashes will be scattered and you won't be able to be buried alongside him? If so, I can see how you'd feel conflicted about that.

    Mine is a different situation, but I'm separated from my husband and love him dearly. That said, I don't know if he'd want to be buried next to me when it's our time to go. If we don't reconcile before then, I've made peace with the idea of letting him choose his burial site, and if it's a single plot I'll opt for burial among some late relatives I loved. To me, it doesn't matter where our bodies wind up so much as being together in Heaven.

    I second the idea of sitting down with him and his daughter and discussing these very real issues and writing out a funeral plan that everyone agrees to abide by. It would probably put your mind at ease, and good luck!

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  • Foofa
    Lv 7
    1 year ago

    Unless he expressly makes her his sole next of kin you would be considered by default to be that. You can hardly be jealous of things that happen after a partner is dead. Your job would be to fulfill his last wishes (whether you agree with them or not).

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  • Anonymous
    1 year ago

    It's not just that the daughter comes in and does as she wishes, it's that she's coming in and doing what *he* wishes. It's his dying wish, so why argue with it? If you think you would rather that he doesn't do that, then convince him not to do it, and then he can bring his daughter back in and the three of you can discuss it and maybe change the instructions. Whatever you choose to do, make sure you write it down and make it official as part of the will.

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  • 1 year ago

    Its fine he wants to be cremated

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  • 1 year ago

    since i hit my 60s i think of death daily i also want creamation

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  • chris
    Lv 7
    1 year ago

    First off, when you raise a child, it doesn't really matter if they are biological children or not! I have 2 step children with kids and 5 adopted kids. They are "My children" and they will always mean more to me than anyone else.

    Second, I don't really see the problem! Is it the "cremation"? Or, is it his daughter?

    If you don't get along with her, give it time! Step (or in this case, step, step children) are always hard to get used to, but over time and patients, family bonds do grow!

    If it's the cremation, that's "his" choice! Not hers!

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  • Anonymous
    1 year ago

    You're upset over something that isn't even true! You say the daughter will come in and "do as she pleases", but clearly these are plans he made with his wife and the daughter is simply carrying them out.

    Also, I think your age difference is impacting this. At 62, he's a lot more mentally invested in making sure his wishes are carried out. Surely you aren't saying he should keep his plans flexible in case he meets someone and gets serious?!

    Just let it go. He sounds like a good guy and you may have many good years together. But at 62, he comes with a longer past than you have.

    • This past that you refer too is coming across as baggage.

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  • .
    Lv 7
    1 year ago

    He made the plans before getting involved with you. If you two are engaged, then it would be appropriate to discuss the issue with him. If not, then it shouldn't matter, as there is no reason for him to base his after-death plans on whatever his girlfriend might want. Your post clearly says you are DATING a widowed man, not engaged to him.

    • I agree. I guess my lack of experience and maturity really showed in this post.

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  • Anonymous
    1 year ago

    I'm missing something. First, when it comes to death and his wishes, his wishes (should) come first. His daughter knows these wishes and apparently will carry them out. Why do you get a say, even after marriage? I thought you were going to talk about inheritance, to me of WAY bigger importance than what happens to a dead body. Be thankful you all are talking about this now instead of AFTER marriage. If this bothers you, get out now, because this is normal (previous daughter generally trumps new wife.)

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  • PAMELA
    Lv 7
    1 year ago

    I see lots of red lights here, his daughter will always come first, if you cannot live with that then do not marry him, i think he is a bit too old for you too.

    • What red flags do you see?

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