It’s okay to feel this way. The first step towards recovery is admitting your feelings, which you’re doing pretty nicely already. Seek help, I understand that talking about your deepest feelings is a hard task, and you shouldn’t feel forced to do it, but it will help you out tremendously. Talk to your family, or a friend you can trust, and visit a professional who can assist you. Depression is a serious illness like any physical illness, and like one, it can be cured. Your feelings matter. Your life matters. Hope you feel better soon.