PLEASE - HOW DO I GET OUT OF THIS HORRIBLE DEPRESSION?
I feel an overpowering, all-consuming endlessly deep desire for glory and fame. I have this unshakable internal need for people to admire and envy me. I find myself constantly watching and rewatching and re-rewatching videos of actresses and models, wishing I was them and imaging myself in their places. But the problem is, I know in my heart I will never be famous, never exceptionally pretty or talented. I will never have that glory, that fame, I will evermore have average looks, an average job, and average life. It kills me.
Nothing in this world could possibly ever make me happy. I don’t remember how I could go on before so easily and contently, how I was ever so happy. There seems to be no future, nothing to go on to anymore. There’s nothing for me that could ever help me. Sometimes it gets so bad that I have suicidal thoughts. I can’t remember what makes me happy. I don’t know who I am. I feel like everywhere I go and within all the things I do, I’m pretending to be someone I’m not. I’m constantly wearing a mask of appearances, but I still have no clue to what’s under the mask. I'm too hesitant to go to therapy because somehow, seeing a therapist would make it all so much more real, a significant tangible problem and not just in my head. Please someone help. I feel more lost than ever before and perhaps more than I'll ever be in the future.