Anonymous
Anonymous asked in Family & RelationshipsFamily · 2 years ago

Dad is an alcoholic and won't get help. How do I stop feeling others blame me for it?

I feel I am at fault cause when people see him drunk they think of me, his son. So I am constantly trying to cover up for him which I know makes it worse. I feel scared to go to Al-Anon cause are family is well known locally where we live (small town gossip) and one of my grandparents was even in Congress years ago.

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  • Anonymous
    2 years ago
    Favorite Answer

    "I feel I am at fault cause when people see him drunk they think of me, his son"

    I can tell you exactly what is happening here, because I'm a substance abuse counselor and I've seen it many times. Deep down, it's YOU who feels you're at fault somehow. Maybe Dad blamed you for his drinking once. Maybe you did some typical teen stupid stuff and you're worried this made Dad worse.

    Obviously, none of this is true, but the point is, you're taking these feelings and projecting them on to others (shrinks call this "projection"). It's a normal response, but it's completely untrue. People are aware of his problem, and I can guarantee they aren't thinking of you at all. It's not even logical that a child is responsible for a parent's alcoholism!

    Keep telling yourself this. Also, I understand the knee jerk reaction to protect him or downplay it, but you want to start getting out of that habit. You say it makes things worse, and this is true, but not in the way you meant it. It makes things worse for YOU.

  • 2 years ago

    i would go to al anon anyways, it might help you to be with people that are going thru the same things you are

  • 2 years ago

    Its not just a matter of letting go of the guilt but letting go of the idea that you don't have the power to control anyone but yourself. Once you do you will know that Dad's alcoholism is his solely his own fault and only he can do anything about it. Its not within your power to change nor your fault for it beginning. Once you let yourself off the hook, the opinions of others will not effect you.

  • k w
    Lv 7
    2 years ago

    stop trying to control others, you are just burning yourself out, over something you have no control over.....go to al-anon, THAT you got control over, talk to them and LISTEN to them, they've been doing this a lot longer than you have......

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  • 2 years ago

    I’m so sorry you have to live in this horrendous situation. My heart goes out to you.

    People already know that your dad is an alcoholic. That's something he can't cover up. Going to Al-Anon can only improve the situation for you. I'm sure all Al-Anon members have gone through those same feelings. The people at Al-Anon can provide emotional support and help you deal with those feelings.

  • 2 years ago

    What makes you think they feel its your fault. You have no control over him and whilst you are trying to cover up for his actions maybe its better for you if you just let him crash and burn. This could be the shock he needs to start seeking help.

    You should also not be scared to go for help if you need it. Again this is not your fault and if you need support then seek it out. You are human and are trying to support your father but you can not take the blame all the time for this.

  • Anonymous
    2 years ago

    Accept the fact it's your fault, and don't go to ALAnon.

  • 2 years ago

    Go anyway. You didn't create this problem, and you don't have to feel guilty for it being present in your family. The fact that you would attend an Alanon meeting doesn't mean anyone in your family is an alcoholic- it means yo are there to learn. It could be anyone close to you, or not even close. But this is not your secret to keep.

    Please GO, and learn that the responsibility for this shame upon the tribe is not yours. Enough of the BS. It's all control and abuse, and it should stop with YOU.

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