Anonymous asked in Family & RelationshipsMarriage & Divorce · 2 years ago

How to gain my wife's trust post domestic abuse?

To make a long story short, i hit my wife several times over the course of two months. I had personal issues she wasnt aware of and it got worse when her parents got into a conflict with me etc.

So now she's gone for her own safety and she is in alot of emotional pain. We talk for hours each day on the phone but she is scared of me. She doesnt want to see me or be in a room alone with me ( thats how serious things are ).

I got some treatment and im following her instructions on how to spend my time alone constructivly etc.

Is there anything i can do to gain her trust again ? Time is running and we miss alot of the things we did together. I dont need any advice or criticisim about me; just advise on how i can gain her trust..i know im a monster cause ive been made this way by my alcoholic father abusing me and beating me as a kid and juvenile.

22 Answers

  • 2 years ago

    Continue your treatment program and do your best. Accept that it's her right to not trust you. There's no guarantee that she will trust you. But do your best with each interaction nevertheless.

  • 2 years ago

    There are several things you can do. Your wife was clearly traumatized by your assaults on her. Every time she currently thinks about you, the amygdala sets up a fear reaction in her brain and body and she will probably have flash backs. In order to win her trust, you have to replace those flash backs with more positive images of you.

    The first thing that has to happen is that her forebrain has to be convinced that you have changed irreversibly. That is how our brains work. When the alarmist amygdala starts firing when she thinks about you, the reasoning part of her brain can take over and calm down her amygdala, if she now believes you really have changed.

    One way of winning her trust is that she needs to understand why you were violent with her and why that has changed. If you really now have insight into your behavior and you have genuinely changed, then you should ask your therapist if they would speak to your wife to explain your behavior and the changes that have taken place. She is more likely to trust the judgement of a professional.

    Secondly, you can start to win her trust by asking her out for a date at a public place such as a restaurant, where she will feel safe. You can then explain to her how you have changed and that the change is permanent because you now understand yourself better and how to handle stressful situations without the need for violence. Accept responsibility for the past.

    Thirdly, you could summon up some courage to go and speak to her parents. If they believe you have genuinely changed, they will be a good ally for helping you to regain the trust of their daughter. Getting on with the in-laws is always a good thing anyway.

    Lastly, I am not saying this to excuse your behavior, but it helps me to understand your behavior and to have a little sympathy for you and how you cope with stress. There is now plenty of research to show that boys who suffered serious physical abuse as young children, are much more likely to be violent later as adults, including perpetrating domestic violence. Violence targeting oung children, changes their brains and stress reaction systems. You were not to blame for what your father did to you. Remember that always, but don't use it as an excuse for your behavior. You have no right to hit anybody, man or woman. So learn as much about yourself as you can and then take control and become the decent person that lies deep inside of you.

  • Tara
    Lv 7
    2 years ago

    Truth is - every time she will see you - she will see the abuse you did to her --- she will see your facial expression that you had then -- she will remember the punch of pain that you gave her when you laid your hands on her - her feelings will have changed for you and she;s had to adjust to them (confusing her) - even if she should act like that she is not remembering it -- she will always remember it - even in the most intimate moments.

    About all that you could do is to apologize - get help - be gentle -- and most important is let HER come to YOU … never try to pressure her into anything - let is all be her ideas and decisions. If she wants you -- she will eventually come back your way. If she doesn't - then you may have lost her forever. Sometimes - people never get over it - and never forget.

  • 2 years ago

    i say no. sorry kiddo, i wouldn't go back to her. i'm not the best guy out there i've made terrible mistakes in the pass that i need the lord to help me with, but at some point you have to realize that you both are enabling each other right now. it's only cause you have the space is why it's okay. but close the distance and it will return to this in or around month 11.

    problem is once it has already gone down this road the relationship is tarnished. but then again it depends on whom you want as a wife. i want my wife to respect me as i do her. if i have to lay my hand on her we're both doing something wrong. this is a vicious cycle nothing good will come of getting back together.

    sometimes you just have to admit you're the bad guy and walk. it's not your fault. sit happens, but if you want redemption you have to walk away. if she wants to be with you she will find you.

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  • n2mama
    Lv 7
    2 years ago

    Violated trust is like a porcelain vase that's been shattered. You may be able to find the pieces and try to glue it together, but the cracks will always be there and it will never be as strong. Which doesn't mean you shouldn't try, but realize that the first thing you have to do is find all the pieces. And that is going to take time, probably a lot of time.

    You need to get in and stay in a prolonged treatment program for anger management. It is clear you still need help because you are still not owning the fact that you, and ONLY you are responsible for your choices and actions. This means acknowledging that YOU made the CHOICE to strike your wife multiple times in multiple events, not because of your father, but because of yourself and your lack of control. Lots of people grow up with alcoholic parents or violent parents and make the choice as adults to NOT engage in the same behavior pattern. You have not made that choice and continue not to own your actions, which is why you need ongoing treatment.

    Keep in mind that you may never be able to regain her trust and that things between you may never be what they were. You don't say that you have children, so I hope you do not. I can say that if I were in your wife's position, you would not get a second chance with me, and if we had children I would do everything possible to keep them out of your abusive hands until you'd had a lot of treatment with a qualified therapist. Good luck.

  • If both of you are willing there shudnt be aa problem getting back together.

  • Chris
    Lv 7
    2 years ago

    You assume you have free will. Do you? Or is everything you have done and will do already scripted?

  • 2 years ago

    We all do things we regret and whether its emotional, verbal or physical abuse its going to be hard for someone to forgive you however you have to take it one step at a time.

    The first and most important part is that you have admitted you have an issue and are now dealing with it so well done for that.

    Where your wife is concerned, she may never be able to forgive you for this and you have to come to terms with it.

    Whilst you are talking is a good sign that she is willing to keep the relationship alive, nothing you can do will be able to fully repair this.

    Every time you shout she will now be in fear of you striking her again and this will never go away.

    All you can do is rebuild it a bit at a time. Start by asking her to go somewhere where you know there will be lots of people around so that she feels safe with you.

    I know this is difficult for you and you feel really bad for hurting her, however you will now have to do all the leg work to get that woman back in your life properly.

    Good Luck.

  • Anonymous
    2 years ago

    No. She'll never trust you again. Think smarter with the next one.

  • 2 years ago

    I don’t believe personal problems is enough of a reason to hit someone. That’s like hitting your children bc you had your own stress that you were going through. But, you’ve asked for my advice: not judgment. I think you should go to counseling bc for her to feel somewhat safe enough to give it a shot, she needs to see some serious effort on your part that this won’t happen again. I also think whatever bad habits you may have had (smoking, drinking, cursing, etc) should stop or atleast greatly reduced. Show you are a changed man & only ask to meet after the counseling has ended completely or you won’t look serious

    Edit: do not rush or provide pressure; meet on her terms! This may not work at all though

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