Anonymous
Anonymous asked in Pregnancy & ParentingParenting · 2 years ago

Is a wife responsible for how the kids bond with her husband?

I'm a SAHM and my Husband is the breadwinner. I feel as though he uses this as an excuse to send as little time with our children as possible. Everything for him comes before them. Even when he has free time he doesn't spend it with them. I've begged and pleaded but now I feel indifferent. Am I right or wrong in what I told him? I told him I'm no longer pleading or begging him anymore and that I take no responsibility in how they bond with him or relate to him. I would never encourage them to feel negativity towards him but I won't intervene and make excuses for him when they witness his neglect. I will allow them to develop whatever natural feelings they have, positive or negative. It's not my job to make sure they love him.

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  • n2mama
    Lv 7
    2 years ago
    Favorite Answer

    It is not your responsibility to make excuses for your husband's behavior with your children. But you deserve to have your own time as well, and if he refuses to take a turn supervising them so you can get a haircut or run errands or go shopping, that's a problem. Each parent is responsible for their own relationship with their children, and some parents end up brutally disappointed with the relationships they end up with when their children are adults.

  • 2 years ago

    So, there's a difference between anger and hostility. Anger is "I'm mad at what you did just now." Hostility is "And I'm still mad over what you did three weeks' ago." You have hostility. It will kill your marriage. Get some counseling right now. Go without him if he won't go.

    And frankly, being a SAHM is dangerous, because you can't leave this guy if you need to. Think about developing a plan to make your own money. It gives you more choices in life.

  • Anonymous
    2 years ago

    Partially but the father should play a role too

    if kids don't want to "bond" with him than that

    is HIS problem only he can change their 💑 hearts.

  • 2 years ago

    Good Question. IMHO No, but the Mom/wife does have a responsibility to enable Dad. That means making the children available to him when his schedule permits, and not poisoning the children against the father when his schedule doesn't permit.

    I know you feel you efforts have been met with futility but you need to continue to try to enable him to bond with the children. Just be aware that its far more difficult to do for men than women and some men find it impossible until the children can talk.

    But if you want your husband to change I suggest you get him around other fathers who have bonded with the kids so he has an example to follow or could provide the peer encouragement he needs.

    Good Luck.

    PS I also suggest you talk to your inlaws to ask about his relationship with his own parents

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  • Anonymous
    2 years ago

    While a wife can make a difference, the ultimate responsibility lies with the father.

    It's the old, "you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink it".

    Was this the way his own father was with him? If so, there may be little you can do to change it.

    Give him the opportunity, but don't force anything, and above all, don't ever say anything against him to the kids. There is a lot of distance between being an ideal father and an absentee, and maybe they will find a way. To fill the gap, make sure your kids participate in things that do include strong male leaders, like sports or martial arts where there are male coaches. They need to see it, even if not in their own father. Kids learn to piece things together - you should too. You cannot make him someone he is not.

  • edward
    Lv 7
    2 years ago

    My wife is usually at home, she isn’t a house wife because she used to work (she’s almost 8 months pregnant so she’s on doctors orders) 3 days a week so she was a part time housewife, now she’s pretty plugged in to the baby. Mothers naturally have a stronger bond with thier babies because they are literally attached for 9 months. But i will be taking paternity leave the second that baby drops so i can try and be just as much of a parent as she is to that baby

  • 2 years ago

    If you were both working, you'd both need to spend time with the kids. So the fact that he doesn't feel the need says more about him than you.

    I would literally plan an evening out for yourself on a night when you KNOW your husband will be home and tell him as you are walking out the door that you're leaving and you'll be gone for X hours. This will force him to spend time with them. Provided you can be away from your children longer than a couple hours (if you're breastfeeding I wouldn't suggest this one unless your child can take bottles easily), he should be able to handle them on his own. If he can't then why are you even with him?

  • 2 years ago

    That was my mom's approach. We all noticed what we noticed. There are no perfect parents.

  • Steve
    Lv 7
    2 years ago

    No. Ask him why he doesn’t spend time with the kids. Saying you ”feel” he uses your being a SAHM as an excuse sounds like speculation. It’s certainly not a feeling. It’s a thought.

    Your job is to be a partner in marriage. The kids need both of you, but they don’t need you to be equally invested in them. The two of you have different personalities, and maybe values.

    You beg him? Why? Persuade him. Hear what he has to say about the issue. *Know* why he does/doesn’t do what he does. Keep asking why until you know. He does have reasons. They might be good ones and they might be bad ones.

  • Anonymous
    2 years ago

    I think that you are in the right in what you say. There is only so much that you can do in this situation. I mean you cannot literally force your husband to spend time with your kids by dragging him. Hence, the only thing you can do is to bring things to a head and lay your cards out on the table. From here on in, it is now his responsibility to rectify the situation and he can have no complaints if his children act distant towards him in the future when they are grown up. I hope I helped :)

    Source(s): What is your husband's reasons for not wanting to spend time with the kids?
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