Anonymous asked in Family & RelationshipsFamily · 3 years ago

How do I change the toxic personal beliefs from family that I have that damage me so much and are rooted in childhood shame?

I am in therapy and just looking for additional ideas. As a kid my Mom alienated me from my Dad and his family largely out of post-divorce anger though sometimes due to my Dad's drinking. She told me my Dad had picked alcohol over me and did not want a relationship with his three kids. She also said his family did not want a relationship with us cause they thought my Mom was disloyal to divorce him. However, come high school I got closer to all them after my Dad had died and my Mom tolerated the relationship and even softened her anger at them.

Now as an adult I am consumed with trying to make up to them. I think I am less then all my cousins and I have to prove I am not disloyal anymore. I cut myself over things like if I am overlooked for an invitation or think I was at times like a holiday and maybe nothing was even going on. I assume I am tolerated but not really liked since I was disloyal as a kid.

It is all shame my doctor says, childhood shame from my mother putting her anger on me combined with the confusion alcoholism brings (my Mom's father was an alcoholic also).

So how do I change these toxic beliefs so I can enjoy my Dad's family but not be obsessed on proving I am not disloyal or less then my cousins. I also feel great sadness when I miss a family gathering cause it reminds me of all the holidays I missed as a kid (Weddings, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and 4th of July were the 4 main gatherings).

2 Answers

  • 3 years ago
    Favorite Answer

    maybe you should tell your family you dont want to miss anymore family gatherings

  • Anonymous
    3 years ago

    You need to get over it or talk to a psychologist. You've posted this like 4 times already & obviously aren't listening to the advice given.

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