promotion image of download ymail app
Promoted

Is this a good opening paragraph?

Baker County Deputy Sheriff Nathan Clay Lincoln, Jr. sat in his cruiser and took the opportunity presented by a red light to chug down a knockoff brand Five Hour Energy shot hoping without expectation to repel the stupor that always hit him hardmidway through the first graveyard shift of a swing shift rotation. It was his second shot in three hours, the first doing almost nothing to displace the weariness which seeped in bone deep, pressed into his neck and drew a road map of red lines in his jade-colored eyes.

***

I've been told that I tell rather than show, so I'm trying to show that he's very tired, but I still get the feeling that that I'm telling more than I'm showing.

8 Answers

Relevance
  • 2 years ago
    Favorite Answer

    Change the to repel the stupor that always hit him hard midway through the first graveyard shift of a swing shift rotation.

    To - of it repelling the stupor that always hit him on the first graveyard shift of the rotation.

    The description of bloodshot eyes is good; but it does more telling than showing. Try him yawning and rubbing his bloodshot eyes instead.

    • Commenter avatarLogin to reply the answers
  • Tina
    Lv 7
    2 years ago

    It's not a very good opening line - you use eight words to identify your character, by which time I had lost the will to live, never mind go on reading. If you want to show how tired he is describe how he nearly runs a red light because he is half-asleep at the wheel. and just call him Nathan.

    • Commenter avatarLogin to reply the answers
  • 2 years ago

    No.

    The opening paragraph, ideally the opening sentence, of any popular fiction work needs to hook the reader. This does not.

    It's also wordy and nothing happens.

    • Commenter avatarLogin to reply the answers
  • 2 years ago

    I don't see a lot wrong with telling, sometimes it's just how you write. If you're very concerned about it, try demonstrating how the tiredness is effecting him mentally. Here, you've shown that he looks very tired, but is his brain tired? Try something that you would do if you were tired: misread the clock, wince at a bright light or something, do a double take on a sign to make sure it was read right.. Also, the opening of a book shouldn't be limited to one paragraph, if you're having trouble writing a scene because you want to write a certain way, let it flow into another paragraph. If you want to show and tell, make one paragraph about each. Hope this helps you a little bit, but I think it's a fine opening.

    • Commenter avatarLogin to reply the answers
  • How do you think about the answers? You can sign in to vote the answer.
  • 2 years ago

    That name is way too long. I got hung up on it and didn't move past it. Probably not...

    • Commenter avatarLogin to reply the answers
  • Anonymous
    2 years ago

    Not really. To be perfectly honest, I found it a little childish.

    • Commenter avatarLogin to reply the answers
  • 2 years ago

    yes

    • Commenter avatarLogin to reply the answers
  • Ok

    • Commenter avatarLogin to reply the answers
Still have questions? Get your answers by asking now.