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Anyone had a really messed up relationship and worked it out without counseling?

So, without going into detail (not enough space), my marriage is not good. We have a lot of problems. Foundational problems. Communication difficulties. Financial conflicts. Sexual issues. Lack of intimacy. Insecurities. Betrayals of trust. My husband says I'm not forgiving. He's probably right. I have a lot of resentment and I don't feel he truly works to right his wrongs. I'm not perfect either, but I can objectively say most of our problems stem from something he's done. Sometimes I want to go out and do something f'ed up so we can be "even," but I know it will only make things worse. I want to go to therapy, but he doesn't want anyone in his business. I feel very isolated most of the time because we communicate so poorly I can't even express my feelings with him without him being defensive. How can a marriage survive these things without therapy? I'm curious if anyone has ever experienced anything like this and overcome it with their marriage intact.

11 Answers

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  • ?
    Lv 7
    5 years ago
    Favorite Answer

    YOU can go to therapy. It would be best if he would go also, but if he won't, then you go. It will help you tremendously.

  • 5 years ago

    Keep in mind there is nothing stopping you from going to counseling on your own. It would probably help you. However if you husband doesn't want to do so, it won't help your marriage to force him. Fact is most marriage counseling fails anyway. Your marriage sounds like mind did way back when. Hate to say but at least for me divorce was the best thing that ever happen to me. Freed me to live life again and on my own terms. Life is too short to be so unhappy. There are a lot of good guys out there who would love a good woman. Go to counseling on your own and consider divorce. It's not an easy thing to do emotionally, but I have a feeling you will be there anyway. Why wait?

  • 5 years ago

    Nope. It will never work, and here is why I think so...

    I was married to my high school sweetheart. I never "knew" another woman in the biblical sense. My parents/family acted as if they had practically adopted her. THEY LOVED HER. We had over 22 yrs of history, 15 yrs of that was married. We went to college together, waited a couple of years to get married, after jobs/careers were at least started. Waited another 5 yrs after marriage to have children so we could travel and get to grow more as couple. Did it all by the book. She decided to re enter the work force after a few years as a stay at home mom. About six months later she came to me and said she met someone at work and she wanted a divorce.

    So two years after divorce, she begged that we try to get back together. We gave it a try and she moved back in. At first it was nice to have our family back together. But It was a dumpster fire. it was not long that the thought of her throwing away 22 years of history, mostly good some bad like all marriages, splitting up our kids and pissed all over our hopes and dreams of the future, walking away from my entire family without even a descusion about her feeling this way. Just BAM, its over. She moved out about 3 months ago, after two years, and is back with her affair partner. I will leave you with the wise words of what my father told me before she moved back in with me - Once the toothpaste is out of the tube, you cant get it back in again. SO TRUE.

  • 5 years ago

    Just because he doesn't want to go to therapy doesn't mean you can't go on your own. Perhaps if you learn better skills, then by your example you might be able to pass them onto him or at least defuse situations that might have gotten worse otherwise. Worth a shot isn't it?

  • Anonymous
    5 years ago

    in over 70 percent of cases of therapy, most of them fail because people think that a counsellor will resolve issues, they wont. the change has to come from within the person first, a counsellor cant do that. also sexual issues come from one of the spouses placing demands that shouldn't be placed in first place, so the only way out of that is unconditiona love and don't place demands. a counsellor cant do that for you

  • 5 years ago

    Married couples resolve problems without therapy all the time. Its only when they realize they are not capable is when therapy becomes necessary. It sounds like you and your husband became incapable long ago, and your effort to not seek help has only made it worse. I guess neither of you go to the doctor when you get sick too.

  • 5 years ago

    You can try it, but if he's stubborn enough to insist that (a) you are entirely to blame, and (b) therapy isn't an option, then I doubt you will make any progress.

  • ?
    Lv 6
    5 years ago

    yep you can always go on your own. maybe they should own most of the problems, but if something isn't working, and they're not willing to take an honest look at it.. the only other part of the equation can be you

  • 5 years ago

    My husband and I never saw a counselor for deep problems because we learned to speak up and communicate.

  • ?
    Lv 7
    5 years ago

    WELCOME TO THE REAL WORLD.. BECAUSE IT SEEMS AS IF YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT ME. NOTHING I DO OR SAY IS RIGHT IN HIS EYES.. I THINK YOU'RE AS UB=NHAPPY AS I AM..

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