Can someone pls proof read this? This is for Short Story- Year 8. Thanks?
Mini sat on the bed and gazed out of the freezing, ice cold window. The window had built up of fog and the glass pane of the window was freezing, ice cold. That feeling of loneliness was plastered across her face. She took a deep breath and stepped out of bed gently to choose a book out from the dusty old bookshelf and she pulled out an old favourite book, when the book came out on the floor, was a photo of Grandma and I am sat on the verandah.
I saw grandma waiting under the bright, hot sun on the front porch in our rich green, big garden. I approached up to her, as she keeps her arms wide open for that warm hug. Grandma starts to laugh like always and so I laugh along. I stop laughing and stick my nose up in the air, a familiar smell rises up. That smell was coming from inside the house. The smell gave a delicious and sweet aroma around grandma and I. The smell was so comforting. Chocolate chip cookies! Grandma had made cookies, for grandma and I.
Can this story be edited? Thanks
- AndrewLv 74 years agoFavorite Answer
"Mini sat on the bed and gazed out of the freezing, ice cold window" (remove "freezing, ice cold" as it doesn't fit - she's not touching the window, plus you use it again in the very next sentence so it's redundant. She's looking through it - if you want to use an adjective use "snow-streaked.")
"The window had built up of fog and the glass pane of the window was freezing, ice cold" (this phrasing is awkward, change it. Windows don't build up of fog, fog builds up on windows, or steams up windows/windowpanes. And again, she's more than likely not touching the window so how it feels to the touch is irrelevant. It's snowing outside. It's warm inside, hence the fog on the glass. I would only assume that the window-glass would be cold to the touch.
"That feeling of loneliness was plastered across her face" (bit of an odd segue there. One minute we're talking about the window and the next we're talking about her facial expression. Why not blend the two together? <An expression of loneliness/woefulness/sadness met her gaze as she glanced at her reflection in the foggy window-glass> We don't know 'that' expression of loneliness. We're meeting Mimi for the first time. So call it 'an' expression...)
"She took a deep breath and stepped out of bed gently to choose a book out from the dusty old bookshelf and she pulled out an old favourite book, when the book came out on the floor, was a photo of Grandma and I am sat on the verandah" (you're narrating in the third person, stick with it. Don't use "I" unless you're narrating in the first person. She didn't uncover a picture of YOU and Grandma - she uncovered a picture of (insert character name here) and Grandma. She also didn't pull out "an old favourite book", that defies the order of adjectives, she pulled out "one of her favourite old books" or "a book that was an old favourite of hers.")
"I saw grandma waiting under the bright, hot sun on the front porch in our rich green, big garden" (waiting? That's an odd way to describe someone's behaviour in a photograph. By the way, I must raise the question - is she indeed looking at the photograph or have you just tacked about in a manner that you throw any reader off? If it's snowing outside, Grandma isn't standing out in a green garden under a bright sun. And if "you're" still sitting on your bed in your room, how are you "approaching" Grandma? You have succeeded in completely losing your audience because these two paragraphs make absolutely zero sense when combined.
And it's Grandma and "me" not Grandma and "I."
Grandma had made cookies for I = NOT CORRECT
Grandma had made cookies for me = CORRECT
Adding or subtracting Grandma doesn't change the rules of English grammar.
It's more than likely beyond saving, but feel free to take my corrections and make use of them in your salvage efforts.