Does this part of my book sound good?
My heart beats furiously, like an erratic drum, as I pull into the drive. I grip the steering wheel with sweaty palms, though my mouth is dry with worry. I park the car behind the Jones’s blue Subaru. I waste no time climbing from the driver seat wiping my sweaty hands on my dress pants. Time’s no longer on our side. The night is still and quiet. There’s no inkling as to what is going on inside the Jones’s home tonight. The night lies with it’s comforting peacefulness. It’s all a sham. a cool breeze blows chilling me to the bone.. I waist no time climbing the porch steps stuffing my hands in my coat pockets. As I raise my hand to knock the door flies open abruptly. "Thank God you're hear!" In front of me stands Mrs. Jones. Her blonde hair fastened at the back of her head in a bun, although most has fallen free hanging to her shoulders. Her face pale and tear stained. Her green eyes now so red. .
She is disheveled, and frantic as she grabs my forearm "She's in the dinning room." Mrs. Jones gasps hoarsely, fighting more tears. Frantic she pulls at her sweater, pulling it tightly around her midsection, perhaps for comfort?
I make my way though the living room. Just a plain old living room, decorated by Mrs. Jones most likely. The walls a light tone of creme as is the carpet. All the furniture a dark brown.
The curtains a darker creme off setting the room. I make my way around the corner to the dinning area.
There she is. In all her glory, her feet perched on her chair at the end of the cherry wood table. She’s lost a substantial amount of weight since I’ve last seen her. Her blue T-shirt hangs from her fragile shoulders, her legs lost in the baggy pair of blue pajama bottoms she’s wearing.. Her face saddens my heart. Her big beautiful blue eyes are now sunken in almost hallow.
Her cheek bones and jaw so pronounced she looks like a skeleton with skin fitted tightly.
When she see’s me she climbs atop the table, knocking a plate of chicken and biscuits. It smashes to the floor, shattering loudly into tiny pieces. The mash potatoes and gravy splatters every where.
"AHHH" She screams in a deep tone. "Youuu!" Her lips curl, animal like. She grunts pointing at me. My heart nearly jumps up and out of my throat. I take a deep breath, grounding myself.
I let myself feel the solid ground beneath me,My shoes and socks the only thing separating me from it’s un-moving solid surface, it’s always there.
Emma’s mouth twitches into a painful smile lifting the corner of her top lip, she snarls, baring her teeth as she lets out another hissing, scream.
My heart races in my chest, staring into the eyes of such a powerful Demon.
Emma’s beautiful eyes are no longer looking back at me but a pair of empty holes that hold nothing but misery.
Making eye contact with her sends helplessness deep within me, leaving me to know this thing has nothing but pure, undying hatred and disdain for mankind.
Mrs. Jones falls into her husbands arms and weeps beside me. “help her father, help her!” Mr. Jones stares in disbelief at the poor girl he knows as his daughter. He wraps his wife in his arms but he can’t take his eyes off Emma. He looks terrified.
Emma is gone, even if for a mere moment it’s crucial that we get her back. The longer she lays dormant the longer the Demon has control of her body, the more damage that will be left behind. I pull my rosary from my neck and wrap it around my hand letting the cross dangle, my arm stretched toward Emma. “Lord God give me strength.” I whisper more to myself, than anyone else, as I inch my way toward her. Emma makes her way down the center of the table,
snatching up food and dishes pelting them our way.
The sound of shattering glass invades my ears loudly.
“Mr and Mrs. Jones I need you to help me.” I tell them, only glancing back at them for a second before I quickly look back at Emma who’s now perch at the end of the table, ready to pounce at any moment.
- Madame MLv 74 years agoFavorite Answer
I beg to differ with one of the answerers. Too much showing. Here is a case where, "I was nervous" is much better than all this contrived dry mouth, erratic heartbeat stuff. Honestly, in your mind, you'd think, "I'm nervous." You wouldn't consciously notice all this stuff UNLESS you were bad enough off that you really ought to be visiting the emergency room, not this house.
Second point: make sure your words mean what you think they mean. "waist" is a body part, "hear" is something you do with your ears, etc. etc. Unless you are doing something really experimental, in which case, it doesn't shine against all the banal crap you are putting in here. (Hear-hear.)
You need to introduce Emma by name the first time you see her.
It sounds like it could be quite interesting, but you are diluting the message of your scene with a bunch of description that doesn't matter.
- WhateverLv 74 years ago
Way too much telling and not enough showing. You lost me after the first few sentences.
"I did this and then I did that."
There's no action to the story. It's more of a play by play than something that would get the reader excited and begging for more.
"My heart beats furiously, like an erratic drum, as I pull into the drive. I grip the steering wheel with sweaty palms, though my mouth is dry with worry. I park the car behind the Jones’s blue Subaru. I waste no time climbing from the driver seat wiping my sweaty hands on my dress pants."
Here's a slightly better way of saying this:
Pulling into the drive with sweaty hands gripping the steering wheel, my heart beat erratically and my mouth went dry with worry. I parked the car behind the Jones' Subaru and wasted no time getting out."
David and Madame are right about the too much description. But it still comes off as telling rather than really showing. The showing is in the description, but it's way overdone.
- Anna DLv 74 years ago
You've got a fair number of errors there, kid. You're not great at apostrophes or choosing the correct spelling of a word. You need to proof it.
- 4 years ago
Although this could use some improvement, I really like the ideas you have. You've obviously got a partential, so keep writing!
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- DavidLv 74 years ago
No. I would not read any more.
There is way too much description to the point where it cries out "amateur writer"
- 4 years ago
The first thing I noticed was that it felt very choppy, each sentence began with the subject, either "I .... or She...." which can be jarring for the reader.
- Anonymous4 years ago
Whats wrong with description?(David)