Anonymous
Anonymous asked in Family & RelationshipsFamily · 4 years ago

What can I do about my stepson and husband?

My husband and I have been married for 3.5 years. He has a 9 year old son from his first wife. My stepsons mom died when he was only 2 years old, so he doesn't remember her, but her family have kept her very much alive for him, which is absolutely wonderful.

My husband and I have 5 month old twins. My stepson was happy to be a big brother, but once I started getting bigger, my stepson was wanting more alone time with his dad while my husband was pushing more family time, which hasn't gone too good. I'm not sure why my husband is being so stubborn. Sometimes I feel like he's less and less happy to have my stepson know about his biological mom, which makes me sad. I always told my husband I would never be his sons mom and that he deserved to be able to talk about and hear about her. As someone who lost a parent very young, I know it can feel so good to be able to talk about them.

My stepson is now becoming very disinterested in the twins and never wants to do stuff with me, which hurts. My husband gets annoyed about it all. They got into an argument last weekend and my stepson told my husband, rather grown up sounding in the moment, that he was his first wife's son, not mine. It's been tense between the two of them since. My stepson is withdrawn and my husband has told me he doesn't understand why he's clinging to his mom so much. I've tried talking to him, but he seems to think it's different for me because my mom never dated or remarried after my dad died when I was 1.

Update:

He doesn't see me as his mom. He's always called me by my first name and I don't see that changing. And his moms family want him to to know about his mom. My mom and dads family wanted the same for me when I was growing up.

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  • 4 years ago
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    You may not like what I'm about to say, but your husband sounds like the only person here who is NOT a problem!

    You said his mom's family is keeping her alive for him and that this is a good thing. Why?!? There's nothing to gain when a child doesn't remember his bio mom, yet she's being painted as a larger-than-life portrait.

    Then you mentioned wanting father and son to spend alone time. This is a great idea after a split and new marriage, when the child needs to see dad hasn't forgotten about him. But that doesn't apply here.

    So it almost sounds like you're creating a competition for no reason. You'll be the only mom he remembers. It's common for an older sib to react negatively when sibs pop up, but the problem may be compounded here by him feeling like an outsider because he has a different mom. If he was 12 and mom died last year, this would at least be logical. This isn't because it's more like a created crisis.

    So I think everyone needs to dial back on the mom he doesn't remember and start listening to your husband.

  • 4 years ago

    maybe you should try being more of a mother to him since he lost his own mother

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