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Anonymous
Anonymous asked in Family & RelationshipsWeddings · 6 years ago

How do I end this engagement? Tell him or just leave?

I have been in a serious relationship for the last 3yrs with a very dangerous man, I met him shortly after I moved to Dublin from New York, My family decided to end contact with me a year after I began seeing him, It broke my moms heart who I was with but I told her i'd never turn my back on him. He is a known gangster, I don't mean just petty crime, Its a much bigger organisation, He is involved in armed robberies & any serious crime going down around here, He has had a treat on his life and been in and out of prison, he is intimidating. He is very possessive of me, always has been, he doesn't let me too far out of his sight, we have a very intense relationship. From the moment I met him I fell head over heels for him & looked past all the bad he does, when he'd be arrested I would be in tears. I feel like I am losing feelings for him like when he puts his arm around me or tries to hold my hand or in bed he has always pulls me close to him, I used to love that but now I get frustrated and feel smothered by him, I know he feels me being distant from him because its causing arguments between us. I have become very homesick the last month, I miss my family and I miss everything about NY, my heart is aching to go home, I've looked at flights online & tempted to just back up and leave but deep down I do love him still & don't want to hurt him, but im not happy here anymore, Do I leave the man I love or go to where my heart is aching for? Any advice guys?

12 Answers

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  • harper
    Lv 4
    6 years ago
    Favorite Answer

    Oh no, you are in a tough situation, aren't you? I think you know what you need to do but you are a little scared of what might happen when you try to leave. Ordinarily I would say that you need to break off the engagement in person but in this case it sounds like that could be dangerous. What I would suggest is telling your fiance that you want to go to NY for a visit with your family for a few weeks. That will give you a good excuse to pack as many of your belongings as possible in preparation for the trip home. The things that won't fit in your suit cases will have to be left behind, but that stuff is just material items anyway and not more important than your health and well-being. Once you are safely back in NYC, send him a message to let him know that you cannot live his lifestyle anymore and that you will not be returning. He may be upset and may even try to come to try and take you back. IF you suspect this is going to happen, you need to alert the police about the situation so they can be prepared to help.

    I wish you the best of luck....be brave!

  • 6 years ago

    I come from a place where most the men my age are involved in drug dealing etc etc. your life seems two worlds apart. You've come from New York where girls like us can only imagine having a life there, meeting the man of our dreams there. And your living in Dublin with a gangsta? You have one life im sure myself and every other woman would tell you to grab that plane ticket with both hands go straight away and leave it all behind! In a year maybe two maybe three you will look back and all this will just be a part of your past. You have the chance now to go and change everything. He will never ever ever change and that I can 110% promise you! Don't live your life in Dublin with a bad boy who's no good for you!

  • 6 years ago

    This is an emergency, and you need help.

    Get in touch with the nearest domestic violence support group so you can make a clean exit - and don't post any more about this online, in a text, on your phone, ANYWHERE. Already you've given out too much information here - so ask Y!A if they will delete it since you are in danger. Too many clues.

    Mail stuff you care about home in a box. Hop a trip to another country so you are hopefully out of reach. Pick someplace he wouldn't expect you to go, but someplace you can easily get a flight back to the US quickly. The faster you can get farther away, the better - but don't go straight home to family, nor go anywhere they could have outposts and relatives.

    Don't use your credit cards - use cash. Buy a burner cell phone.

    Don't tell any local friends ANYTHING - because the guys will just go beat it out of them. The less anyone knows, the safer they will be- and so will you.

    Keep up appearances of normalcy, until you walk out the door - but then go and keep on going. Don't go back for any reason, don't take your usual route, wear no bright colors, and don't look worried - just like you have someplace to go.

    Don't do searches for directions or *any* information such as phone numbers for airlines or transit on your computer- use your burner phone to call, and write things down by hand. Deposit them somewhere out of your home, such as in a locker.

    Don't dally - because this is THE single most dangerous time you can be living in. Abusive partners tend to be the worst when they think you might leave, so you need to get out immediately.

    Go get a burner phone and contact the domestic violence group, and ask to be spirited out of there immediately. It's time to GO.

  • 6 years ago

    Just leave. If he's dangerous then it's best if he doesn't know that you're planning to leave him. Get away from him, get to a safe place, and then call him to let him know it's over. Do not tell him where you are.

    Or, who cares, don't even call him. He'll figure it out once you're gone. Take your valuables, your most treasured possessions, and your important paperwork/photocopies, and run away. If you can leave something behind, then do so. Take any pets with you so that he doesn't hurt them, or at least bring them to a shelter and explain the situation so that you can get them to a safe place until you figure out how to get them back.

    Call your mom. I bet she will welcome you home with open arms.

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  • 6 years ago

    If one of your fears is that he may be killed or locked up, then leaving is only a matter of time. Whether you leave him, or he is killed, put in jail, the result if the same. Maybe it is time to plan for the departure. As for packing, take only what you need, leave the rest. Treat it like a house fire, if you had to leave, what would you take. What is important to you. Everything else can be left. When you leave, don't expect to see any of it again.

  • 6 years ago

    if you live through this....it will be by the help of interpol. contact them and ask for a witness protection program and let them get you out safely. he would probably try to kill you and/or your family if you go there, so you need real help to get out. what in the world possessed you to get involved with this sort of person? you are in real danger. if you think he will not hurt you, think again. dangerous men like this cannot be trusted. don't worry about hurting him, he has no feelings. remember, he is able to kill people without remorse.

  • Anonymous
    6 years ago

    Assuming that it really is in your best interest to end this, then not only should you for your sake, but for his as well. Would you want him to marry you if he felt about you the way you do about him? While you may feel that you are doing him a favor, it is no favor at all, and quite a disservice. In truth, if you care about him and love him as you say, do not let him marry a woman who knows she doesn’t want to spend the rest of her life with him.

    You cannot marry a man out of guilt, responsibility or fear of letting him or anyone else down. When you marry a person, it must be with the belief that this is your soul mate and the person you want to spend your life with. Marriage is not easy, it is an incredible amount of work, but an essential ingredient is that you are both heading in the same direction in life and have the same end goals. Therefore, if he is not right for you, then ultimately you cannot be right for him either.

    Assuming that it really is in your best interest to end this, then not only should you for your sake, but for his as well. Would you want him to marry you if he felt about you the way you do about him? While you may feel that you are doing him a favor, it is no favor at all, and quite a disservice. In truth, if you care about him and love him as you say, do not let him marry a woman who knows she doesn’t want to spend the rest of her life with him.

    You cannot marry a man out of guilt, responsibility or fear of letting him or anyone else down. When you marry a person, it must be with the belief that this is your soul mate and the person you want to spend your life with. Marriage is not easy, it is an incredible amount of work, but an essential ingredient is that you are both heading in the same direction in life and have the same end goals. Therefore, if he is not right for you, then ultimately you cannot be right for him either...In terms of invitations being out and money having been spent, while perhaps uncomfortable, that has nothing to do with a decision regarding the rest of your life. The only way you can marry this person is with the strong conviction that this is your soul mate. Anything less, and you are being terribly unfair to the both of you. I assume you would not want him marrying you to avoid letting down a florist and hall! Now is the time, before you are married, to truly think about what lies ahead and then to discuss it with your fiancé. It could very well be that because you care about one another, you will recognize that this marriage may very well be a big mistake.

    Much luck and may you be blessed with clarity and to very soon marry your true soulmate, whomever he may be.

  • Anonymous
    6 years ago

    Leave.

  • 6 years ago

    Leave.

  • ?
    Lv 7
    6 years ago

    I'm 52, and I have adult daughters. If you were my daughter, I would advise you to collect all the evidence on him you can find, turn it into the police, and simultaneously move all your stuff into a rental somewhere far away from your boyfriend. I would sadly inform you that you are not welcome in my home because your presence would represent a danger to your mother and me from this criminal you chose to become involved with.

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