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Anonymous asked in Family & RelationshipsMarriage & Divorce · 6 years ago

How can I get my wife to trust me?

My wife was in a previous abusive marriage years before I came along, however the effects still seem to have lasted--anytime I get upset and yell, she immediately twists her head to the side and puts her hands up in a defensive stance. On one occasion I discovered my brother had gone on my phone and as some sort of cute "joke" had been posing as me and writing people in my Facebook, talking idiotic, saying personal and embarrassing things about myself, and making me look like a fool--I called him and screamed at him about it. She immediately left the house, stayed at a motel overnight, and the next morning called and asked if it was "safe" for her to come back. My final straw came when I confronted her about something that upset me, and she said "Look, if you're going to beat me up, just get it over with." I responded by lowering my voice and calmly saying, "You should try some hot mustard with those nuggets you're eating. Enjoy your meal" and then turning on the television and saying nothing further.

It really bothers me that she thinks that sooner or later, I'm going to beat her! She might do things that occasionally ring the critical alarm bells on my "pissed off" meter, but I wasn't raised to hit women. My dad never beat my mom, and it's just not wired in me! I just don't do that! How can I get her to take down her shield and not act like she has something to be afraid of? It really hurts that someone I love would think I would actually hurt her.


@Heather. Go f*ck yourself. Nowhere did I say I make "snide remarks" or "lose my temper"....everybody gets upset and yells from time to time. What do you expect I do, sit down calmly and say, "Honey, you made me very upset when you--" Newsflash, that's nonsense you pull out of a Dr. Phil show, and I don't know of ANY couple that does it. Just about all of my relationship have had us yelling at each other for one reason or another, it's human nature to get upset. Piss off!

5 Answers

  • Adair
    Lv 6
    6 years ago
    Favorite Answer

    At times that's got to be very annoying BUT you have got to think about it from the prospective of being forced to live with a crazy ****. That's her prospective. I'm sure she can tell you crazy stories about her abuse. She doesn't want that to happen again. Therapy is a good idea and in the meantime give her a therapeutic marriage- one where she is reassured about your love and protectiveness for her. You're going to have to check yourself a lot and it's going to be uncomfortable (it will even annoy you or anger you sometimes). There are worse things in a marriage. Try shifting your negative feelings to the abuse she endured and the abuser. He is really effecting YOUR life and that's not at all fair. One day she may be so healed that she'll be nose to nose with you in a fight and stand her ground and you'll think "daaang, what did I do?!" Lol

  • Robert
    Lv 5
    6 years ago

    You shouldn't have gotten married, she's too damaged to be wife material.

    She's so damaged that, even if you act like a docile lamb, it won't make her trust you - she'll just lose respect for you and find a more masculine man. That's how it works in these cases - she wants you to be abusive, she enjoys the drama. If you don't provide enough drama, she'll get bored and leave.

    Don't have children.

  • 6 years ago

    You need to seek couples counseling, and FAST.

    I hate to victim blame -like the previous commenter- but what he/she said does have some truth to it. Most woman who get involved with abusive men subconsciously keep doing so.

    She needs to get immediate mental help to help her learn why she is doing this and how to overcome her past.

    Your job as her spouse is to be as loving and supportive as possible. But also to set appropriate boundaries so that she doesn't feel as though she can continue behaving in a manner which is disrespectful and hurtful to you.

  • 6 years ago

    Sounds to me like you're already verbally abusive. You admit to raising your voice, making snide remarks on more than one occasion, and losing your temper. Everyone tends to "stick with what they know", and if your wife was abused in the past, maybe she picked another one with those tendencies? Being raised not to hit a girl does not mean you haven't been able to find other ways to be abusive. I don't prefer to come off like I'm blaming you, but in this case it's too easy playing the "devil's advocate". I'd love to say it's all her and that she needs therapy but it's better to say "check yourself first" here.

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  • 6 years ago

    If she was hurt badly by her prevous partner . She as lost trust in men and thinks there all like her ex . He damaged her mentaly and needs councelling to repair the damage he as done her.Love as much as you can and try and romantic with it will help

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