I can't find motivation anymore and im scared?

Im 15 and a freshman in highschool, in the beginning I loved it and went to all the games and actually loved going to school. I never missed a day and I had motivation to keep trying. Late November I had the flu, then I got surgery in December and not shortly after that I had a sinus infection. After going back to... show more Im 15 and a freshman in highschool, in the beginning I loved it and went to all the games and actually loved going to school. I never missed a day and I had motivation to keep trying. Late November I had the flu, then I got surgery in December and not shortly after that I had a sinus infection. After going back to school in January I found myself scared I wouldn't feel good in school so I skipped as much as I could. I kindve got over that irrational fear but recently I feel trapped. I don't enjoy going to school anymore, I hate it. In the morning I feel sick and force myself to eat just so I have enough energy for the day. When im there I feel confined and sad and just so lost. I go home and barely get all my work done. I stay home entirely too much but I can't help it I hate going. I have 21 abcenses, I stayed home today making it 21. I want to kill myself at this point I hate my life and I know it'll get better and I won't be a 15 year old freshman forever but at this point in my life it's so hard to deal. how do I get my motivation back? and want to go
to school? im probably going to lose credit soon and then I'll kill myself for sure. why don't I like going to school I get decent grades I just don't get it I wish I could go back to the beginning of the year when I never missed a day
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