trees
Lv 4
trees asked in 社會及文化語言 · 7 years ago

please correct my essay

Topic: http://upload.lsforum.net/users/public/t92162014-0...

Your school is planning to organize a ‘Parent-child Sports Day’ to promote the benefits of doing sports to parents and students. Your teacher has asked you to write a promotional leaflet of this event for all of parents.

Parents – child Sports Day

Background (date/time/venue/fee/deadline of application)

In order to promote sport to our students and parents, our school decides to organize a sports day which is provided various types of sports for you and your children. Admission is free. So let join us before it is too late.

Details:

Date: 23th April, 2014

Time: 8:30 a.m. to 6:30 p.m.

Venue: School hall and outdoor playground

Rainy day: School hall and indoor playground

What activities are included

The sport day will be provided different types of sports such as basketball, badminton, rope skipping, dancing, running and so on.

Whether any sorts of sports, you’ll find it enjoyable. At least one type of sport you like.

The reason of joining this event

Why should you want to join this event?

○1 This event may be an excellent opportunity for you getting to know more about your children's school, the teachers and other students.

○2 Upon the participation, each participant will receive a gift. You and your children may get more gifts if you win the competitions.

○3 Through this event, especially in competition which provides your children an opportunity to show their abilities which can gain satisfaction to them. It is benefit for their studies too.

○4 Joining this event can reduce your children’s pressure from exam and increase their study motivation.

Why don’t you bring your children to join this event? Don’t miss this opportunity! Join us for a wonderful day!

Update:

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3 Answers

Rating
  • Gary
    Lv 7
    7 years ago
    Favorite Answer

    Same comment from before without grade change.

    1. Content

    a. It is the same problem again - In order to promote sport, so you have a sport day. That's fine.

    But why didn't you mention anything regarding this at the reason?

    b. When you promote a "thing", you should be certain. "may be an excellent opportunity"? So if you are not sure, how can parents and children be sure to attend?

    c. How can a sport day relieve the stress from exams?

    2. Grammer - Passive voice, run-together sentences, fragments, the usual.

    2014-08-08 02:42:01 補充:

    "At least one type of sport you like."

    - There is at least one type of sports you will like.

    "即是說在原因欄中寫: 多做運動、遠離坐椅可有助減肥並有效地改善或維持身體健康,。因此,你要參加此活動,給自己多一個做運動的機會。

    是不是這樣? "

    Not a strong reason at all. But it is a start.

    2014-08-08 02:44:08 補充:

    "可以幫我修改一下文法上的錯誤嗎? "

    Doing sports is an effective way to keep fit and healthy. So, you should join this event and give yourselves opportunities of doing sports.

    2014-08-08 02:47:48 補充:

    "可以給予我一些評價及修改一些文法上的錯誤嗎? "

    Your children will have opportunities to show their abilities through the Parent-child competitions, which you and your children will face some obstacles. From the competitions, your children will earn encouragement and satisfaction from you.

    2014-08-08 02:48:36 補充:

    It will be beneficial for their studies and social lives as well.

    2014-08-08 02:49:27 補充:

    This reason is acceptable.

    2014-08-09 02:02:21 補充:

    1. Both are correct.

    2. Both are correct.

    Some prepositions are interchangeable.

    2014-08-09 15:49:54 補充:

    "我亦可以這樣寫嗎? "

    I will not use "our school", but simply "we".

    "can even gain prizes if you win the competitions"

    You don't gain prizes, but win.

    "請問thus後面要加 'they' 嗎? "

    Yes. And it should be a new sentence as well.

    2014-08-10 08:50:10 補充:

    "這一句話我不太明白"

    Use "win" instead of "gain".

    2014-08-10 17:36:18 補充:

    You asked "can even gain prizes if you win the competitions".

    You should say "can even win prizes if you win the competitions".

    2014-08-11 02:14:55 補充:

    "可以修改一下文法嗎? "

    Re-write the sentence. I don't understand what you mean.

  • Anonymous
    7 years ago

    **corrected

    Parent** – Child ** Sports Day

    Background (date/time/venue/fee/deadline of application)

    In order to promote sports** to our parents and students**(in my opinion, 家長先學生後is better) , our school decides to organize a Sports Day** which is provided with** (in my opinion, better say 'organize a Sports Day providing ....') various types of sports for you and your children. Admission is free. So let join us before it is too late.

    Details:

    Date: 23th April, 2014

    Time: 8:30 a.m. to 6:30 p.m.

    Venue: School hall and outdoor playground

    Rainy day: School hall and indoor playground

    What activities are included

    The Sports Day** will be provided with** different types of sports such as basketball, badminton, skipping rope (Jump rope (American English) or skipping rope (British English))**, dancing and running**. ('such as' 唔可以同'so on'一齊用, 'so on'用於以下句型:There are apples, oranges, bananas and so on.)

    Whether any sorts of sports, you’ll find it enjoyable. (怪怪的,我會寫'You'll find it enjoyable no matter what sorts of sports.') At least one type of sport you like. (覺得有點怪,我會寫'There is at least one type of sports that you like.')

    The reason of joining this event(<--可delete, 同下句意思相同)

    2014-08-06 22:28:18 補充:

    Why should you want to join this event?(better say 'Why should you join this event?)

    ○1 This event is** an excellent opportunity for you to know** more about our* school, the teachers and other students.

    ○2 Upon the participation, each participant will receive a gift. You and your children can

    2014-08-06 22:28:33 補充:

    even get some awards/prizes if you win the competitions**. (win 左比賽係攞award/prize, X gift)

    ○3 Through the compeitions, your children can have an opportunity to show their abilities and gain confidence**. It is beneficial** for their studies too. (why?? need elbaoration)

    ○4 Joining this event can

    Source(s): myself, wiki
  • trees
    Lv 4
    7 years ago

    想問這句句子語法有沒有錯?

    At least one type of sport you like.

    2014-08-06 17:54:07 補充:

    It is the same problem again - In order to promote sport, so you have a sport day. That's fine.

    But why didn't you mention anything regarding this at the reason?

    --> 即是說在原因欄中寫: 多做運動、遠離坐椅可有助減肥並有效地改善或維持身體健康,。因此,你要參加此活動,給自己多一個做運動的機會。

    是不是這樣?

    2014-08-07 16:21:12 補充:

    Doing sports is an effective way to keep fit and keep healthy. So, you should join this event. Give yourselves an opportunity of doing sport.

    可以幫我修改一下文法上的錯誤嗎?

    2014-08-07 16:56:44 補充:

    Reason

    Your children can have an opportunity to show their abilities through the Parent-child competition. Among the competition, you and your children will need to face some troubles. Your children can gain your encouragement and increase their satisfaction.

    2014-08-07 16:57:20 補充:

    It is beneficial for their studies and social lives too.

    可以給予我一些評價及修改一些文法上的錯誤嗎?

    2014-08-08 22:23:22 補充:

    有幾個語法問題想問問。

    1. Give yourselves an opportunity of doing sport.

    Give yourself an opportunity to do sports.

    以上兩句哪一句是對的?

    2014-08-08 22:23:47 補充:

    2. Your children will have opportunities to show their abilities in the parent-child competitions.

    Your children will have opportunities to show their abilities through the Parent-child competitions

    以上兩句哪一句是對的?

    2014-08-09 10:38:46 補充:

    In order to promote sports to our parents and students, our school decides to organize a Sports Day providing with various types of sports for you and your children. Admission is free. So let join us before it is too late.

    我亦可以這樣寫嗎?

    2014-08-09 10:38:52 補充:

    our school decides to organize a Sports Day providing you and your children with various types of sports

    2014-08-09 10:45:37 補充:

    sorry, provided you and your children with 才對

    2014-08-09 11:08:45 補充:

    can even get some prizes if you win the competitions.

    --> can even gain prizes if you win the competitions.

    2014-08-09 11:58:37 補充:

    Your children can be given some encouragement and thus can have a sense of satisfaction.

    請問thus後面要加 'they' 嗎?

    2014-08-09 15:56:42 補充:

    You don't gain prizes, but win.

    這一句話我不太明白

    2014-08-10 09:00:43 補充:

    You mean

    can even "win" prizes if you win the competitions.

    right?

    2014-08-11 00:38:09 補充:

    They will get energy and power which is beneficial for their studies and social lives as well.

    可以修改一下文法嗎?

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