Is this poem too long? Part One of two. Can you critique it? What does it mean?
The Inner Land
Close your eyes and take a deep breath
feel power beneath your own skin
a bitter scent rises from the garden's wet
seeps in, like the rustle of a robin.
You are relaxed, and the world is sound
shivering trees and a sussurate stream
you feel power in your feet flowing from the ground
soft air leads your neck to a dream.
Your body, a fortress, all gabled stone
an entryway is your lungs and ribs
you stand in the interior campus alone
guided by your ear-like jibs.
For this is a fortress that silently moves
under the guidance of a aural tide
sail into fantasies which tongue-and-groove
where stately treasures abide.
Cacophony strides in the garden gate
bringing a sour note of despair
should you open your eyes, t'would be tempting fate
though nothing so evil would be there.
Copyright 2013 hgl
- Experto CredoLv 76 years agoFavorite Answer
Initially, I feel that the rhymes hold you back, as it feels that in order to makes those rhymes works, something else was sacrificed, so the poem does not flow as well as it can. Also, the use of certain words (cacaphony and sussurate,for example) seems to be employed to show off that you can use big words without a real thought to the overall tone of the poem.
- 6 years ago
Some poems are long enough to be a book. As long as you don't just repeat yourself too much its okay (I didn't really read it.)