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Is this poem too long? Part One of two. Can you critique it? What does it mean?

The Inner Land

(Part One)

Close your eyes and take a deep breath

feel power beneath your own skin

a bitter scent rises from the garden's wet

seeps in, like the rustle of a robin.

You are relaxed, and the world is sound

shivering trees and a sussurate stream

you feel power in your feet flowing from the ground

soft air leads your neck to a dream.

Your body, a fortress, all gabled stone

an entryway is your lungs and ribs

you stand in the interior campus alone

guided by your ear-like jibs.

For this is a fortress that silently moves

under the guidance of a aural tide

sail into fantasies which tongue-and-groove

where stately treasures abide.

Cacophony strides in the garden gate

bringing a sour note of despair

should you open your eyes, t'would be tempting fate

though nothing so evil would be there.

Copyright 2013 hgl

2 Answers

  • 6 years ago
    Favorite Answer

    Initially, I feel that the rhymes hold you back, as it feels that in order to makes those rhymes works, something else was sacrificed, so the poem does not flow as well as it can. Also, the use of certain words (cacaphony and sussurate,for example) seems to be employed to show off that you can use big words without a real thought to the overall tone of the poem.

    • Happy Hiram
      Lv 7
      6 years agoReport

      I appreciate the well-thought out and thorough critique. Thank you very much.

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  • 6 years ago

    Some poems are long enough to be a book. As long as you don't just repeat yourself too much its okay (I didn't really read it.)

    • Happy Hiram
      Lv 7
      6 years agoReport

      Thanks for your honesty.

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