I hate myself when I eat! But I know I need to eat more.?

I am dieting to get to 126lb (I caatually need to get to this werght so don't tell my I'm fine, because I know I'm fine. But its not up to me its up the the racing industry) I am pretty good at maintaining but I'm stressing over getting to the weight I've purged a couple of times, and if I go... show more I am dieting to get to 126lb (I caatually need to get to this werght so don't tell my I'm fine, because I know I'm fine. But its not up to me its up the the racing industry) I am pretty good at maintaining but I'm stressing over getting to the weight I've purged a couple of times, and if I go more than 1200 calories a day I hate myself for it. I've tried eating more but I just don't lose weight on 1500 calories. I know its gonna be slow and I have almost a year to lose it but I just can't eat that much. What if I gain weight and all my progress is lost. I started at 172lb, am now 137. I'm 5'7 and need to be 126 (or 131lb with boots and clothes plus whatever I've eaten that day) what can I do!
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