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Anonymous asked in HealthMental Health · 6 years ago

I'm not dealing with this death well. Help?

My neighbor whom was like a mother to me has just passed. My mother suffers severe depression and shuts down alot and this woman would play the role of a mother to me. I come from a family that does not show feelings. And I do, and this woman helped me through all my problems. She'd make me feel like I was heading somewhere in life. And now shes gone. She passed two weeks ago and I was informed yesterday. I can't even look out my window and look at her deck without nearly having a panic attack. I cant adjust to the fact that I wont see her standing there on her deck waving back at me. I loved her like a mother. And i tend to suffer depression like my mother and she would help me. A debt i cannot repay. Last summer i used to go over to her house and help her plant and maintain her garden. I used to spend my entire day there. School came along, and i lost touch with her. I saw her last month when she got back from a hospital. She had a severe leg infection. She looked me in the eye and told me she was going to survive. I should have known. I should have known she was just trying to save me from worrying. Her cat roams around our yards each day and night. It seems as though he's looking for her. And its breaking my heart. That neither him nor I will get to see her again. I have a pain in my chest and it wont go away. I never got to say goodbye. Please, I'm falling apart and nobody cares enough to notice. I also haven't been talking much. I don't have it in me to speak to anyone. But my eating is fine. This has really effected me. And i'm not sure I can deal this time. R.I.P Carol Joyal. I will miss you forever.

4 Answers

  • 6 years ago
    Favorite Answer

    Rest in Peace sweet Carol Joyal, you will be greatly missed.

    Hi Daisy, I love you--you have such a sweet heart and a warm spirit and the words you share about Carol touched me...I'm tearing up. it so sweet to see such one like you expressing herself so about another person whom was not related to but you had her love which you reciprocated. I am sure she knew how you felt about her and even if words were never articulated, the moments spend together made it so clear and I hope you sit down, have a good cry and when you do remember Carol, know that she most likely wished to have said her last goodbye but life prevented that. Still, based on your words and loving thoughts, I can see a love born from genuine friendship which trespass time. Sadly, this has now affected you so deep--to lose a loved one like her leaves an emptiness that can't be easily filled. So lets us not remember her passing but recall the wonderful and special times you had with her--the will live in you forever and no matter what, they will be there so don't them become memories of pain (when you remember them and they make you cry) but of times of joy and of having a sweet friend like her.

    You are correct in assuming her cat is seeking her so treat it well and sit there with it as you recall her--Carol with this cat. Expressing your feelings might or will make you cry but it is also brings you found memories. Recall words of encouragement, of wisdom, of compassion and see how much she loved you as you did her. Don't let her passing be an instrument to your depression. Do you have any picture of her? if so, put them in a box (a memory box) so you can sit and show them to her cat as you recall the moments they were taken. Opening up your warm and loving heart will let you let go of this sadness which serves nothing but to separate you from life. Keeps you from living and living with her--in your memories of her--her smile, her hair, her waving to you, her sweetness, her love for you, her all.

    Please don't let sadness overtake you as it will increase your state of depression. You will not see her but as long as you remember her, she is there. you might not have had time to say goodbye but I am sure she knew you would have preferred to be there for her but it was not possible and she knew that so stop hurting yourself over this ok.

    Tell me Daisy, what would you have wanted to say to her? Hold on, write it down and once you have a letter, save it and place it in your memory box. I would also suggest you write a little note and tie it to a helium-filled balloon and let it go; sending it to her might release some of your heartache.

    take care loving and sweet Daisy, if you need to chat, you may email me.

    Will you make and listen to these songs: Overcomer by Mandisa, neede you know by Plumb, Strong Enough by Matthew West, How He loves me by David Crowder Band, When she cries by Britt Nicole, Cry out to Jesus by Third Day, There will be a Day by Jeremy Camp--the one with the lyrics.

    bye sweet Daisy, its nice to see someone with such a beautiful heart, and you might want to share the songs with your mom too, they have a wonderful message to for the heart. :)

    Source(s): Me, a Christian and a Psychologist
  • 6 years ago

    We are so sorry for your loss. Your neighbor sounds like she was a wonderful woman. You are obviously grieving right now and you have to give yourself time and permission to feel what you are feeling. It is important that you reach out to those around you to get the support you need. You may even consider joining a support group for those who have lost loved ones. If you need to talk to someone call a local Crisis Line anytime 24/7.

    Take care of you,

    Counselor AH

    Source(s):; Call the Boys Town National Hotline at 1-800-448-3000 anytime 24/7
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  • 6 years ago

    You don't express any anger for not being told she was sick and dying ...and not being told effin two weeks ago that she died. She was your neighbor? Your mom like friend ?

    And u hadn't seen her in a while.

    I'm bringing this up cos these qre very important thngs that could very well effect how you're feeling.

    Its only been a day..its all normal.Don't


    I've done bereavment counseling and many people feel guilty for not being more in touch with the one who died.

    Perhaps you could take something of hers to confort you.Go to the house.Taking to somone there will help.

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  • 6 years ago

    Some say grieving can last years.

    It's very difficult when you've lost someone that close to you and you feel as if there is no one to support you. Have you tried to find grief consellors in you area? Or support groups at a community centre? Even online, you should be able to find organizations whose goals are to help people through the grieving process.

    There are five stages of grieving, and this I found on psychcentral:

    1. Denial and Isolation

    The first reaction to learning of terminal illness or death of a cherished loved one is to deny the reality of the situation. It is a normal reaction to rationalize overwhelming emotions. It is a defense mechanism that buffers the immediate shock. We block out the words and hide from the facts. This is a temporary response that carries us through the first wave of pain.

    2. Anger

    As the masking effects of denial and isolation begin to wear, reality and its pain re-emerge. We are not ready. The intense emotion is deflected from our vulnerable core, redirected and expressed instead as anger. The anger may be aimed at inanimate objects, complete strangers, friends or family. Anger may be directed at our dying or deceased loved one. Rationally, we know the person is not to be blamed. Emotionally, however, we may resent the person for causing us pain or for leaving us. We feel guilty for being angry, and this makes us more angry.

    Remember, grieving is a personal process that has no time limit, nor one “right” way to do it.

    3. Bargaining

    The normal reaction to feelings of helplessness and vulnerability is often a need to regain control–

    If only we had sought medical attention sooner…

    If only we got a second opinion from another doctor…

    If only we had tried to be a better person toward them…

    Secretly, we may make a deal with God or our higher power in an attempt to postpone the inevitable. This is a weaker line of defense to protect us from the painful reality.

    4. Depression

    Two types of depression are associated with mourning. The first one is a reaction to practical implications relating to the loss. Sadness and regret predominate this type of depression. We worry about the costs and burial. We worry that, in our grief, we have spent less time with others that depend on us. This phase may be eased by simple clarification and reassurance. We may need a bit of helpful cooperation and a few kind words. The second type of depression is more subtle and, in a sense, perhaps more private. It is our quiet preparation to separate and to bid our loved one farewell. Sometimes all we really need is a hug.

    5. Acceptance

    Reaching this stage of mourning is a gift not afforded to everyone. Death may be sudden and unexpected or we may never see beyond our anger or denial. It is not necessarily a mark of bravery to resist the inevitable and to deny ourselves the opportunity to make our peace. This phase is marked by withdrawal and calm. This is not a period of happiness and must be distinguished from depression.

    I realise this is a lot of info! And I'm sorry! What I will tell you from personal experience (my mother died 10 years ago) is that time makes it easier. I'm not going to say it heals every single wound, coz it doesn't, but it does get easier.

    Hope this has helped some, I sincerely hope you are okay, and you have my condolences for your loss.

    Best wishes


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