Opinions on beginning of essay? (NOT long and best answer WILL be chosen)?
Writing is not difficult. Climbing to the supple peak of Mount Everest with nothing but a fork to assist you, genetically modifying a myriad of agricultural crops, inventing a device that is capable of interpreting neurological responses as individual thoughts, attempting to perform a successful cardiac-pulmonary transplant on a critical patient whilst having one’s eyes closed, and achieving a respectably high failing grade on a biology exam all have one underlying characteristic in common: they are difficult tasks to complete. Tasks that require a highly advanced and worked upon set of skills. Tasks that are only to be commenced and concluded by connoisseurs who have attained deep rooted experience in the material. Tasks that, in essence, are indisputably hard.
On the other hand, by the time an individual reaches preparatory school age, it is likely that that individual is already well aware of the basic structures needed to be able to formulate an excellent essay. In the following list, I will exquisitely name the 4 fundamental elements of writing. As you read these points with great interest, take into account every detail of them that is being presented to you and attempt to become the embodiment of what is considered to be quality writing.
- HakunaLv 57 years agoFavorite Answer
Honestly, you are a great writer, but your style screams,"look, I am here to impress." I guess I prefer the not-to-over-the-top stuff, you know, just something that draws me in and wraps its fingers into my brain with simple but eloquent words. For instance, this little question pops into my head whenever I begin to write overly dramatic. 'Who the hell wants to be overloaded with 15 letter words when I can say the same thing with a 4 letter word?'
I hate to bare the brunt of your negative reverberation (see what I mean?), but the language is too fancy. Well, it seems as if you would rather write to impress rather than write to get the point across.
Here are some points of interest I would look to edit:
The complete second sentence - over dramatic, and a bit pretentious (try not to be pretentious in your writing, though I probably sound like I am cut from the same crop). Cool, you can name big words, but does it really help what you are trying to convey?
Try starting sentences without using Tasks, no matter how much you wish to Blurb.
What are the 4 elements? If this is an introduction, you must discuss the importance of them.
Leave out the overly descriptive adverbs like exquisitely
Finally, Do not tell your reader that they will read your work with great interest. Be humble, explain your position as if you were telling a story to your favorite cousin.
Short, Simple, Scrupulous, and Sarcastic - 4 Ses that will naturally impress your readers.
Overall, I would revise. :)
- Anonymous7 years ago
i really like it
the 2nd sentence tho- at first i thought you meant doing all of these things at once; obviously that's not the case, but try making it less wordy
also, dont forget to indent
as for the thesis, idk how your teacher wants it done, but my teacher requires that we introduce the main points of the essay in the thesis (in your case, the main points are the elements of writing)
this is just something to consider based on the requirements
otherwise, good job!
- DanteLv 57 years ago
Thanks for answering my question and your beginning is good but your second sentence is too long. Try cutting it down in to two or three. It has nice detail and is well written.
Good luck and thanks again.
- Anonymous7 years ago
I like it. 100\100, for sure.