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Nolan
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Nolan asked in Arts & HumanitiesBooks & Authors · 6 years ago

I have written a small script, please read and tell me what you think 10pts?

I have written a small part of a movie, anime, you name it :D it's not complete but it's just an idea. I would like you to read it and tell me what you think. I have never written anything so this is my first. Be honest and critical about it, i don't care if it's harsh. I always learn from mistakes.

All advice from experienced readers, writers is much appreciated!

Link: http://www.booksie.com/fantasy/script/kurdosboy199...

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  • Anonymous
    6 years ago
    Favorite Answer

    Okey dokey, here is my constructive criticism/proof reading. Let it be known however that I'm not familiar with Screenwriting and I haven't studied English in about 3 years!

    I feel like the Earthquake shouldn't have been introduced until we're more familiar with the character. Perhaps we could see him buy the magazine before the tremor. That way it's not so abrupt.

    There is a spelling mistake, "patients" should be "patience".

    A store wouldn't have a "Windshield". Windshields are often only associated with vehicles.

    This paragraph had quite a few mistakes, so here it is with my corrections:

    He runs toward the broken window and sees a 15 foot, bulky giant wearing nothing but red boxer shorts. On the giant's left shoulder stands a woman at 5.6 feet tall; wearing tight leather clothing and carrying a bazooka on her left shoulder. On the giant's right shoulder there is a 6.9 foot tall, heavily muscled man wearing jeans and a tight shirt that accentuates his muscles. In his hands, the muscled man carries two large swords and also has a 50mm Alaskan gun strapped to his left hip.

    The Leathered Woman should say, "Well, well, well, if it isn't Jason. Hand it over and no harm will come to you.""

    The giant raises his right foot up, not rises his right feet up.

    I'm kind of dubious about the USB being hidden within the Playboy magazine. Would something that important really be held within the pages of a magazine? And how did it get there?

    It reads during Bridge's Action Sequence, "As he stands up and jumps far in the air toward Jason He shouts With pleasure!". The problem with this sentence is that Bridge was already standing so he doesn't need to stand up. Also it should read, "into the air" rather than "in the air".

    Perhaps you could use punctuation to make things more clear, maybe you could use speech marks where characters have dialogue.

    Bridge should have a capital letter on the fourth line.

    The explosion should create a cloud of black dust, not just "a black dust" which doesn't sound right. It should read, "The explosion creates a cloud of black dust around Manu's head allowing Jason to make a run for it."

    I feel like the Military wouldn't fire a missile into a populated town even if there were a giant monster. Perhaps instead of a fighter jet releasing a missile you could say that soldiers fired gunshots instead.

    You should include more information about camera angles. For example you could say, "The camera shifts and reveals that the military are nearby."

    EXT - Forest near the town (Not City.)

    I feel like you've used the word, "furiously" too much. A good replacement would be "Frantically". So the next paragraph could read, "Jason is running frantically toward a forest.".

    If you notice you're using the same word regularly, check with an online thesaurus to see if you can find a suitable replacement.

    Continuing with the paragraph, "While running we see from a distance that Manu is being attacked by the military." Perhaps you could go into detail?

    Third line, Bridge should have a capital and once again you should think about replacing "furiously".

    I would recommend removing Bridge's thoughts from the scene.

    There is a mistake in Jason's next section. It should say, "30 more seconds! He shouts but not too loudly."

    More Corrections:

    Bridge's part, "There you are! Brace yourself, you're dead meat!"

    Jason's bit, "He appears as if suffering from an uncontrollable epileptic seizure."

    Fourth line, replace "furiously".

    You've changed the tense in the next paragraph. Always stick to the tense you've begun with, in this case, present tense. "Started" is past tense. The paragraph should read, "Jason's body starts to mutate"

    Additionally, "began" should be "begin". You also miss out the word, "of" between "out" and "what".

    The next paragraph has a few mistakes that don't make sense. Bridge wouldn't be able to make a sharp turn right if he is in the air. I would write it like this, "The shot is in slow-motion. Bridge watches in horror as Jason transforms. Bridge's facial expression conveys that he regrets following Jason and he hurtles towards the beast."

    I think, "Today you meet your end!" sounds a bit better.

    Overall, I really like it! It had me entertained and I think the characters have a lot of potential. Maybe you should buy a book on screenwriting so that you can learn how to write future scenes more professionally.

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  • 6 years ago

    Good, room for improvement

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