my mom doesn't seem to understand that I'm transgender?

I've known I was transgender (ftm) since early 2013, and in late December I broke down crying and accidentally told my mom that I was trans, and then let her read the letter I had been preparing prior, and she was good about it and told me she would help me get a gender therapist and help me choose my name etc, and told me that she would just call me a gender neutral nickname I had before before we choose my name, but now she never uses the gender neutral nickname and always calls me her little girl, or girly, and other extremely feminine things, and Always treats me how she would a girl.

and I know full on that she hasn't known for very long, and even if she did it can and is a quite drastic change and takes some time getting used to, but she just NEVER tries whatsoever.

she like, completely ignores that I ever told her, and continues to insult me blindly, and when I inform her that some things she's been saying are offensive, she just disregards it and tells me I'm being overly sensitive or I don't know the definition of offensive. which, I do.

I especially do not understand why she does this, as the letter was very in detail and explained everything I needed her to do for me, but she just gives it no mind, and clearly doesn't care.

and I don't know how to bring it up that I need her to help me choose my name or help me get a therapist or binder or anything, and it's just really difficult.

is there any reason she seems to be completely disregarding everything I told her that I'm not seeing? I'm quite confused!

4 Answers

  • Anonymous
    7 years ago
    Favorite Answer

    That's only a year. Your mother doesn't understand completely -- well, kid, how CAN she? She is female, always has been, and truly does not understand what it's like. I don't either; I see myself as a human who happens to have a female body. If it were male, okay, fine, I'd worry about prostate stuff instead of menopause. I truly DO NOT understand such attachment to gender identity (I don't think much of gender roles, either.) All I know is -- for some folks, it IS real and it DOES matter.

    I expect it took you a little while to get used to all this -- and your mother has only known for about a month, and is probably trying her best -- EVEN IF IT DOES NOT SEEM LIKE IT TO YOU.

    Your mother is trying to adjust. The fact that you gave her a long list of instructions detailing YOUR expectations .. well, has it occurred to you that your mom had a lot of expectations, too -- and you have just completely turned them inside out?

    Right now, your mother is trying to adjust -- and she is mourning the loss of the daughter she has loved and trying to get used to the son she didn't know she had. I had someone describe it to me just that way -- she felt like her trans-daughter had killed her son. I know that isn't rational, you ARE the same person .... but in a way, you're not. She isn't going to be the mother of the bride, she's never going to give you motherly advice about your first pregnancy, or your child... she has a LOT of adjusting to do.

    This is NOT EASY. Cut her some slack.

    No, she's not doing exactly what you want. That's difficult. But you aren't doing what she expected, either.

    It might help if you'd sit down and talk to her about all this, instead of giving her a list of demands and expecting her to just immediately follow your instructions.

    This is a big change for both of you. A lot of parents simply throw their kids out when they get this news. She's not; she is trying.

    You gave yourself a year to go through the process... give her some time, too.

    Check out the trans-help section at PFLAG.

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  • 7 years ago

    I'm literally in the same boat as you, and for a while my mom went through the same exact phase. She'd tell me I would always be her little girl, that I was her princess, etc. It's passive-aggressiveness in a nutshell. She does accept you, she's just having a hard time understanding it, from what I can see. I know it seems like she never tries to help, but it's only because she's still trying to come to terms with it. It IS a phase.

    Keep talking to her about it. Explain to her how it affects you, and that you feel deliberately insulted and unaccepted when she uses overly-feminine words to refer to you by. Also bring up that once she's ready to come to a compromise (after about two years I'm just now getting her to agree to change just my common name on my school records, bluh), you'd like to talk to her about presenting as male. is a great source of information regarding your transition, and she may want to give it a read later.

    Good luck, my fellow brother.

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  • 7 years ago

    From the sounds of it she probably think's you were going through a phase and is starting to get frustrated when you didn't break out of it. One of the issues with transgender is for non-transgender it is extremely difficult to relate with, and as a result is extremely hard to understand. Hopefully, with time and continuing to try and educate her on transgender you can get her to slowly understand.

    The other possibility is that she's "picking fun" at you for being transgender, which is less bigoted but also pretty rough to deal with.

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  • 7 years ago

    It is important that you do see a therapist. You could have your mom talk to them as well, to help explain to her how you feel, and what you both can do for each other as you go through these changes.

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