I can't get over the shame from my "suicide attempts"?

The only reason I "attempted" suicide was to avoid school or to experience an altered state of mind, not to kill myself. I hate it that people view me as depressed; I can't stand being pitied even though I know I'm utterly pathetic. What was even more humiliating was that I transferred to an... show more The only reason I "attempted" suicide was to avoid school or to experience an altered state of mind, not to kill myself. I hate it that people view me as depressed; I can't stand being pitied even though I know I'm utterly pathetic. What was even more humiliating was that I transferred to an alternative school and had to ride the short bus. People thought I was mentally handicapped! Thinking back to when I had to step on that short bus severely damages my ego. I'm viewed as pathetic, inferior, and stupid, and I just cannot cope with that. I can't even leave the house because of the crippling shame associated with my eating disorder and mental health treatment history. I want to move far away and start over with a new reputation, or seek revenge by imitating my... idols...
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