HELP- Is this a good start to my novel?
I'm 14 and is this a good start?:
Today was that day again. Nobody actually mentioned it, but it the obviously terrified expressions on their face told the whole story. This was the day where my step sister, Chelsea, replaced makeup and boys with a Holy Bible and Rosary Beads. This was the day where my dad and step mum, Jennifer got into a fight about wheather or not it was a good idea to keep living in this town, because of this particular day. This was the day where my sister, Rose, put down a book just once and stayed alert to her surrondings.
This was my second year living in this town. I wasn't worried. This day last year I was just fine. I thought it would be the same this year.
- 7 years agoFavorite Answer
The first line is good, but the rest made me cringe. Have you ever heard of "Show, don't tell" with writing? Basically, you're telling everything about the characters that you could introduce slower and better. "This was the day where my step sister Chelsea replaced makeup and boys with a Holy Bible..." It's like plopping down info. You don't wanna plop. Instead you could say something like. "For once, Chelsea had donned Rosary Beads instead of mascara and eye shadow." Let the characters tell the story, not the narrator. Sorry if it's confusing, I know I didn't word it well. Example: "My sister, Rose, had her eyes stretched wide, alert and focused instead of squinting into yet another book." But it was a pretty good hook, in my opinion. Good luck! (I'm a 14 year old writer, too!)
- Anonymous7 years ago
First of all, don't use your age as a safety net is someone criticizes your writing x
1. The sound of the narrator sounds patronising.
2. If she knew that today was a special day, why does she think that that day is going to be the same as last year?
3. Is sounds like third person. Write it from the view of the character.
4. Don't repeat 'this was the day'... sounds annoying
5. Put the bit about Chelsea after the bit about Jennifer.
6. it's 'for' not 'with'
7. Show don't tell
8. Don't write of 'this particular day'. Would a child talk like that? Write 'today'
9. 'whether' not 'wheather'
10. don't write 'obviously...face'. Write 'fear in their eyes'. Showing not telling.
11. it's not 'but it the'. It's 'but the'. I suggest write 'but I could tell they remembered because of the fear evident in their eyes.' not the other sentence.
12. don't write. 'told the whole story'. Just sounds third person ominscient, instead of first person.
13. it's not 'where' but it's 'when'.
Today was that day again. Nobody was talking, but I could tell that they remembered by the fear evident in their eyes. This was the day when I heard my dad and Jennifer (does she like Jennifer?) rowing about whether to stay in this town. (Get rid of this was the day or 'because of this particular day. Sounds like repetition)
My step sister, Chelsea, had replaced her makeup for Holy Bible, boys for Rosary Beads. Seeing the change had been almost scary. I knew that she would never usually convert so easily. My other sister, Rose, had come out of her little bubble, reading books, and had had her eyes wide open. I was finally able to see her piercing sea-green eye colour. (See? Just described a character)
. I wasn't worried. I shouldn't be worried. (MC is not contradicting herself now)
I had lived in this town for 2 years. (a kid would say it like that.) This day last year nothing went wrong. I thought nothing would change this year.
Hope you liked that edit. Sorry if I was too harsh but I'm 14 as well so there's really no excuse... Bye!Source(s): Check out my book 'A Life of Broken Dreams' by Folabomi Amuludun on kindle Amazon. Thanks x
- 7 years ago