闇夜 asked in 社會與文化語言 · 6 years ago

學測將近,求幫忙批改不成熟的作文!

這篇是我在前次模擬考上的作文

我的英文一直不是很好... 但是我還是試著讓自己的英文更好 畢竟要考上比較好得學校英文絕對是重要的

最近雖然已經把選擇題的扣分盡量壓在15分以內 但是作文還是我最大的敗筆...

由於分數實在難看... 想請問一下到底是哪裡語法錯誤,能不能更好更通順

能夠加點轉折詞之類的更好 麻煩了!

這篇的題目是: 一句讓我改變的話

In the past,I did not work hard at school,so my grade in any tests never be good in that time.Until the day,my classmate told me "If you did not do well on your test,how would you go ti a great school in the future?" Then I started to think what he tole to me.

If I could,t go to a school which would help me learn well in the job,I would never get a

job I wanted in the future.Afterward,I moved on to try to work hard,and the harder I did,

the higher garde I got.

In the last test,I got a good grade which I never got in the past.I was very happy,so as my teacher and my parents did.Although the classmate who told me work hard is not

keep touch with me,what he said will leave my mind!

抱歉真的很難看...

避免有看不懂的情況發生 我作下翻譯

在過去 我在學校不太認真 所以我在那時候考試的成績未曾好過 直到有一天 我的同學告訴我: 如果你在你的考試成沒辦法做得好 你如何在未來去一個好的學校? 那時我開始想他對我說了什麼

如果我沒辦法去一個能夠幫助我在工作中學習好的學校 我想我不會拿在未來得到一個自己想要的工作 之後 我開始去嘗試用功 隨著我的努力提升 我的成績也慢慢變好

在最後一次的考試 我拿到一個我曾未拿過的好成績 我非常開心 我的老師父母也是

撋那個告訴我努力用功的同學已經和我不在聯絡 但是他說的話將留在我的心中!

(我在翻譯的時候也覺得文章非常奇怪...)

請求抓出我的弊病

真得感激萬分!

Update:

首先我一定要先感謝所有回答的人...

Nessun Dorma! , TOMING88 , 理查

我發這則問題的時候其實很猶豫

畢竟我很清楚自己英文程度 深怕被看不起..

大家的熱心真的很讓我感動

-----------------------------------------------------

Nessun Dorma!

我會往複雜文法的方向是因為老師的叮嚀,由於我的英文程度不是非常好,可能造成反效果了..

and I need to go to a great school where they would help me to get th

Update 2:

(抱歉上段被切)

I want to get a job which I like in the future, and I need to go to a great school where they would help me to get this job.

在where they would help me to get this job 這邊 請問they是代替?

Update 3:

理查

很謝謝你給的那篇文章 我會嘗試看看的!

Update 4:

prisoner26535

謝謝你的叮嚀 我謹記在心

但培養興趣真的不是那麼容易..

Update 5:

Nessun Dorma! 原來是這樣= ="

很謝謝你 請問之後能夠私信問你問題?

6 Answers

Rating
  • 6 years ago
    Favorite Answer

    你好,很高興看到你有心向學,我願意盡我綿薄之力跟經驗與你分享:)

    首先,你的中文作文我就看不太懂,我猜你的作文大意是指你曾經有個同學對你說要用功,不然未來會沒有好學校可唸,而你自己又覺得好學校對工作會有很大幫助,是嗎? 如果有錯請糾正我:)

    英文作文的寫作方式跟格式都與中文作文概念非常不同,但是語意(大意)必須是一模一樣的(中英文意思必須一樣,不然就變成兩篇作文惹...), 要記得不可以把中文語法直接帶進英文,英文有自己的遊戲規則跟語氣。

    中文作文注重修辭跟段落,轉折,啟承轉合,感情...等等,但是英文作文絕對千萬不能這樣寫,不可以依樣畫葫蘆。英文作文重視邏輯,也就是你每一句每一句之間都要表達出邏輯,因果關係,最好還舉的出強力證據,用字簡潔明確,不要亂用譬喻,不知所云,只要讀者(閱卷老師)看不懂你的句子,那是絕對不會給你高分的。

    英文作文的開始最好直接破題,第一句就把整個文章的重點直接點破,不要東扯西扯,這個和文化有關,不習慣這種寫法也要習慣,因為這就是真正的歐美人士寫作習慣,和文章好壞無關,就只是英語人士大多都是這樣寫作的。要想出一句主題句(topic sentence), 之後的寫作都是圍繞在這句主題句展開,盡量舉出明確或是強力例子,去支持你的主題句。

    文法不用寫的太難,用字要用拼對的字,而不是艱澀難字,老師只要看到你連字都拼錯一堆,對你的文章印象會變差,高分也會掰掰。對於在台灣的考試,英文寫作只需到這個程度就好,不用寫的像莎士比亞。

    Try to tell a good story, not your story. Make your story interesting, not confusing.

    你的作文我幫你潤稿如下,請參考:

    I can never forget when one of my classmates had told me to study hard or I would not get good grades. What he said had changed me forever.

    I did not work hard at school before, and my testing scores were not good enough either. One day, a classmate of mine told me, "if you do not do well on your exams, how will you be accepted by great schools in the future?" And then, I started to think deeper of what he meant.

    I want to get a job which I like in the future, and I need to go to a great school where they would help me to get this job. Good grades will help, so I need to study hard now. He was right.

    After what he said to me, I move on studying harder than before, and I get higher scores now. I even got my best scores last time in my exam, which I could not believe before. My parents, my teacher and myself are all very happy.

    I am very thankful to this classmate of mine and to what he said to me, even though we don't keep in touch anymore. I can never forget his sentence to me.

    第一段是破題(直接點出主題), 第二段開始交代例子經過,第三段例子的分析,第四段交代此次經驗的實際效果,加強說服力,最後一段重新呼應主題句,提醒讀者本文章的主題。上下段落之間因果關係明確,文法且用字不艱難,不拼錯,老師會喜歡你的英文作文的^^

    2013-11-22 04:27:42 補充:

    我另外在知識+幫你找到其他前輩寫的英文作文指導,我覺得很不錯,另外理查也是很熱心的人,理查的回答也很棒,你也要參考,多讀其他人的文章對你如何去組織你的英文作文是一條捷徑。

    2013-11-24 03:12:51 補充:

    where "they" would help me 的 they就是你夢想中未來學校裡面的教授們,學長姐們,學校裡面都是人啊! XD

    2013-11-24 03:13:38 補充:

    複雜的文法或是單字當然可以用,只是要有把握用了可以拿到分數。我自己是絕對不用複雜的文法,因為我很清楚我是在寫作業或是考試,不是在寫我的小說,我的重點只要讓閱卷者了解我的文章就好。邏輯清晰,組織嚴密,拼字正確不用錯,這就是漂亮的好文章了。

    2013-11-24 03:16:09 補充:

    如果有人嘲笑你的英文,那是別人幼稚,不用太放在心上。嘲笑他人的人通常很自卑,真正的強者是不會把時間花在嘲笑他人。

    2013-11-26 08:21:27 補充:

    有關學習的問題都可以問啊! :)

    英文學習的問題可以多上來問,大家都會盡量幫你的,這裡比我專業的人大有人在! ^^

    Source(s): 拜託你一定要拿高分, http://tw.knowledge.yahoo.com/question/question?qi...
  • Anonymous
    6 years ago

    瞭解一次、多一次的保障。尋找八大行業工作。必須謹慎小心一點。

    小巴常說:保險跟冒險只差一個字,意義卻是大不同!

    一通電話、一次詢問。都是為自己的著想。

  • 6 years ago

    Error and correction on good grammar and sequence of tense, faithful to your original 15/20; great school=college;on "A Piece of Advice"-----

    ---I can never forget when one of my classmates had told me to study hard or I would not get good grades.What he said had changed me forever.

    ---I did not worked hard at school before. One day, a classmate of mine said to me,"If you do not do well in your exams., how will you be accepted by (great school=college.) in the future ?"Then I started to think deeply of what he meant.

    ---I want to get a right job which I like in the future; and I need to go to (a great school=college.)where it would help me to get the right job. Good grades will help as I have asked myself. So I needed to study hard. He was right.

    ---After what he said to me, I moved (decided) on studying harder than ever before; and I got higher scores now. I even got my best scores last time in my exams., which I could not believe before. My parents, my teachers, and myself were all very happy.

    ---I am very grateful to this classmate of mine and to what he said to me;even though we didn't keep in touch anymore.I can never forget his piece of advice to me !

  • 6 years ago

    我要說的是最重要的:

    不要為了考試高分來讀書

    改掉這一點 妳的作文就會好棒的

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  • Beth
    Lv 7
    6 years ago

    以下, 我只針對文法部分在你的原本文章上修改, 我另外用橘色字體寫一段同樣意思的文字讓你比較:

    In the past,I did not work hard at school, so my grade in any tests was never be good in that time. (前面講過 in the past了, 此處又加上 in that time, 似乎是形容一段時間. 可以刪掉後面, 或是前面的時間講得具體一點)

    Until the Till one day, my classmate told me, "If you diddo not do well on your tests, how wouldcan you go tito a great school in the future?" Then I started to think what he tole tohad said to me. (引述的句子用當時時態)

    I asked myself, "If I could,tcan't go to a school which wouldwill help me learn well in the job, I wouldwill never get a job I wanted in the future."

    Afterward, I moved on to try to work hard, and the harder I did, the higher garde I got. (改用 decide 較好)

    In the last test, I got a good grade which I never got in the past. I was very happy, so wereas my teacher and my parents did. Although the classmate who told me to work hard isdoes not keep in touch with me any more, what he have said will leave live(or stay) in my mind!

    ------

    I must admit that I was not a good student as the fact that I never paid enough attention to my schoolworks before. Until one day, one of my classmate told me, "If you can't get good scores on the tests right now, how can you possibly get into a good university in the future?" I was so shocked at that moment, and started to think about what he said. Indeed, I need to take responsibility of my own life. In order to get a decent job in the future, there is no reason for me to fool around any more. From then on, I decided to turn over a new leaf. I tried hard to review all the lessons after class and to spend more time preparing for the exams to come. It turned out that the more endeavor I made, the better grades I got. In the previous exam, I got a high grade which I never had and never thought I could have before. Although the classmate who inspired me no longer keeps in touch with me, his words will remain on my mind for good.

    ----

    我另外寫一篇英文作文如何拿高分的文章給你參考.

    http://tw.knowledge.yahoo.com/question/article?qid...

  • Anonymous
    6 years ago

    還是要去 http://aaashops。com 品質不錯,老婆很喜歡。

    俲劅凧倾从

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