Can I have feedback on the opening of my short story?

Please, be brutally honest. However, that doesn't mean to go mental. Please give my any critiques you have and any thoughts about it (keep in mind that it is a very rough draft and this is for pure fun). Also, how did it make you feel?

Thanks in advanced for the answers!

Tears rushed from the fearful eyes of the family as the moving truck's back door cut through the light leaving only a trail of black behind. The fast moving forest was interrupted by the descent of a metallic door with hopelessness spread throughout the textured surface. Before any attempt to slow the fast moving drop of the knowingly fatal door was processed, cold silver metal collided with cold silver metal and the family was left in a deep wave of thick black nothingness.

The crisp, clean smell of pine was present as the car cruised through the vacant woods of rural Nebraska. As the car accelerated onward the trees melted together like that of a watered down freshly painted canvas. A dark crow's wing enveloped the daylight as the family headed to the log cabin they had built last summer. It was one of the many Andrew's family projects and certainly not the last as Mr. Andrew felt it unified the family and taught the children how to "work hard and build a sense of what teamwork is" he would lecture while the children complained of the exhausting manual labor they endured.

3 Answers

  • 6 years ago
    Favorite Answer

    I love the descriptive words you use, especially the way you described trees in the second paragraph. However, I think at points you overdo it- as in, it gets a bit wordy. Like this part: "Before any attempt to slow the fast moving drop of the knowingly fatal door was processed"- so many words in here that it's a bit hard to process what exactly is going on. Try to cut down a bit on the description ^^ There's also a few comma errors, but nothing too big~ just be careful of over-describing and making sentences too long, and you should be fine :D

    Source(s): I write~
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  • Anonymous
    6 years ago

    Although very descriptive and engaging, it needs a few commas. Also, some of the language sounds forced and out of place: too metaphorical. But keep writing and these things will come to you. As my teacher always said 'Writing is the spirit that keeps the world moving, the axis on which it spins.

    If you want to improve try writing on 'Super Six Edu Blog'. Deb Abela, famous author, reads pieces you post and will comment.

    Good luck with your writing

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  • 6 years ago

    very nice imagery. I see some run-ons and comma splices. just separate some sentences and get tips from family and friends. Good luck with your writing! :)

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