How long can it take my wife to recover from rape/sexual abuse?

Yesterday afternoon I decided to ask my wife if she was raped.She admitted and said yes, after that ya'll can imagine what happ and how she reacted so my friend sister is a therapist i called her over and we got my wife to calm down and talk. My wife didn't want me to hear a thing she was going to say. So after that long talk they had and my wife felt asleep the therapist told me not to question her and act normal be supportive.So I am. But my question is why doesn't my wife want me to hear what she said? why can't i be there? why can't she let me love her and protect her im her husband?!?! So my wife decided that she wants to meet w/her 2 times day. but she doesn't want me to listen to what she will say. why? its so frustrating. I did talk to the therapist on how i feel and what had been going on etc. she gave me some papers and website on how to help my wife.

the therapist also told me that i need to be understanding and when times come i will know everything. Every thing is moving so fast from one day to another. My wife doesn't want me to sleep with her right now she wants to sleep in a diff room. But how can i leave her alone? i know she needs me? i want to comfort her. Right now she is talking to the therapist. i know its going to be hard and a long way! But does some one have an idea of exactly how long? The therapist said it can take long sometimes week,months or even years.

it looks like i have hurt my wife by me calling the therapist. All i know is that the person who hurt her was one her family members and was 7 years ago. Why did she keep a secret for so long? I mean its been years and its just happ now? im confused I don't really know how to react. My wife wont trust me she doesn't want me to be with her in this hard times. Is it better if i give her time and let her move out with her mom? Would that change our relationship?

i can't wait till its all over and make love for the first time ever.and have a relationship like every married couple. (we got married :) 3month ago)

please no rude comments! can anyone relate or what can I do? I WANT TO HELP HER!!! what about my feelings are they not important?

12 Answers

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  • 6 years ago
    Favorite Answer

    I understand you must be feeling a lot of grief, but try to think about how your wife is feeling. I disagree, rape is a very serious thing. You guys just got married 3 months ago. She probably doesn't feel like opening up to you yet.

    Don't leave her, it'll hurt her more than the rape. It'll make her think she's tarnished or unwanted. Be more understanding and let her see that. If she wants to live with her mum for a while. Support her, but make sure she knows you'll miss her. visit her often, Tell her you love her. Constantly.

    If you're understanding enough, she will tell you. You just gotta be patient.

    And for the love of all things holy, DON'T point out that you can't wait to have sex again. Honestly, dude. I understand how yo feel, but believe it or not. She's more hurt than you are.

    Source(s): My common sense.
  • 6 years ago

    Okay buddy you bring up many valid points so hopefully I can address them to the best of my ability using personal experience. So about a year into my relationship with my now wife she was raped. It was extremely discomforting to say the least, and she did not report it for 3 months and did not even know the person. When she told me she thought that it would be for the best that she move out of my house to go back home with her dad. It took about 3 months before she was comfortable enough to come over and stay the night. Almost a full year before she even let me "touch" her again. In the mean time she was going to therapy, sessions I was obviously not invited to. Now your probably thinking, yea but Im her husband not boyfriend. Well that's true but her experience was so personal that she is afraid to talk about it with you, afraid that you will think less of her somehow (at least that Is how my wife felt). Obviously that could not be further from the truth. She is probably suffering from PTSD now Im not sure if you are a military man but it is hard to come home and talk about what you saw/ did. My wife respects that of me and has never asked and I rarely talk about it. The same goes for her rape. They say time heals all wounds but that is not true, time does allow them to scab over and become stronger, and if you give her what she needs your marriage will be stronger than ever. By the way, my story does have a happy ending, we got married and had a baby he is two noow and we have a girl on the way. So love making does happen just be patient (;

  • 4 years ago

    1. She thinks the abuse is her fault 2. She thinks he will change 3. She fears it is more unsafe for her to leave than it is to stay 4. She is financially dependent on her abuser 5. She has been so isolated (emotionally and/or physically) by her abuser that she feels she has no one to turn to for help 6. She is ashamed and unwilling or unable to admit that she is being abused 7. She believes he will abduct and/or hurt their children if she leaves 8. She believes that he will end up with custody of the kids if she divorces him, because A) he can afford a lawyer and she can't B) she has mental health problems from years of abuse C) he has friends and family on his side, and she doesn't D) fighting for custody is often the final way abusers seek power over their victim E) she fears she can't prove he is abusing her

  • 6 years ago

    Hi Andrew

    I think that your wife needs counselling on her own to recover from the rape, before she can face your needs as well. All of this will bring out terrible memories and bring them to the surface again after being repressed for so long. She has probably tried to forget what happened, and all of this is bringing it back. You need to be incredibly patient.

    Yes of course your feelings are very very important. However you are not the one who was raped. Being in your position can hardly be compared to being raped, and you should try to empathise with this fact if you want to help. Perhaps at the moment she can't accept any man, as he reminds her of her attacker, and you need to be patient. You have the rest of your married lives together so what difference is a few weeks?

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  • Hello,

    It seems the way you tried to "resolve" your wife's situation, was a bit insensitive. Rape and sexual abuse are very difficult things to share and to talk about and you can't force someone to do it until they are ready.

    You need to put yourself in her shoes, it is a traumatizing thing, at no point will your wife "get over" being raped, she can heal but it may be a long process depending on the situation and what kind of treatment she receives. Just imagine yourself, if you were raped, forced to have sex, do you think that's something you could "get over" in a specific amount of time? Open your eyes to the world, because you come off a little ignorant

  • April
    Lv 6
    6 years ago

    She probably hasn't told you yet because she doesn't want to go through those emotions again, or because she may know how you'll react to that. She probably felt powerless and it may be hard for her to trust anyone right now. So if you want this to work then you will wait and act accordingly. Instead of getting mad at her, tell her you're there for her. She has to feel secure and be able to trust you through your actions and your reactions. You're already protecting her so cool your jets. This isn't an easy thing to talk about. Talking about it can be like reopening a wound. Let her know she can trust you by remaining calm. Why complain about her talking about it now? At least she is trying. Remember, she's the one that was raped. Not you.

  • 6 years ago

    Yes, your feelings are important as well. However, in this time of need. You put yourself second and know that she loves you. Some things are just repressed memories and when they re-evolve it can be overwhelming. She needs you to be supportive and be by her side, do not take it personally, it's not you she just needs to get past this in a way that she can and in time she will talk to you about it. This is a delicate situation. She needs you more than ever. It is hard, just try to understand, remember this is the woman you love and married to spend your life with for better or worse. How long, there is no time frame, you just have to wait and see. Why keep a secret for so long, like this... Why would she want to bring it up and discuss it. Unless asked out right I presume as you did. She has not dealt with this at all, it sounds as if this is the first time she is dealing with it, she probably just blocked it out and tried to tell herself that it never happened. Ask her if she needs anything and just be supportive and let her know your there for her. Sometimes in your relationship you have to put the don't my feelings count and put the other person first and understand it's a difficult thing. It will help you grow as well not only as a couple but in self as well. As she gets better she will let you know. Try to imagine yourself in her place... It's better that this is taken care of now instead of later to help resolve the issue. It will always be in her head and never go away , but to find the way to cope with it and move past it is the right way to go. By getting her help, you are helping her. Also not talking to you about it is probably because she is embarrassed and your a male and it is hard to talk to those we love about things that we don't really want anyone to know for they are so bad to us. By her talking things out it has brought back all memories she has hidden, therefore it's like it was just yesterday not yrs ago. Be patient, give time, don't give up on her, It's a delicate situation. If she needs sometime, let it be, or see if she would mind if someone come there to stay some. Talk to her some more on how she wants to do things for now, as worried as you are about you in this, even thou you are worried about her, she may sense this and feel rejected in a way. Good Luck.

  • 6 years ago

    Its this simple. If you bought into the concept that your marriage would be devoid of the customary marital reletion willingly then you have no issue.

    But as I suspect this was NOT what you had in mind then your wife has been deceptive by omission.

    She has no reason to angry with you, none.

    I suggest you call this therapist and get a referral to a COUPLES COUNSELOR.

    Then she can continue on a PAID basis with individual counseling.

    This has to go with the understanding that the clock is ticking.

    Its a shame she was raped but she created this problem by hiding it from you using the waiting for marriage ruse.

    This may or may not ever be sorted out but you had to be the one to put things into motion for repair.

    It is not unreasonable for you to suggest she get back in the bed, discuss what's happening and a time table.

    Much of her discussion with therapist needs to private and much needs to be shared, thus she needs BOTH individual AND couples.

    The time for friend of a friend counseling is over, do it professionally now.

    That is NOT twice a day.

    I would be very upset with her for this and the times for "you poor dear" has gone with the wedding that she did under false pretext.

  • 6 years ago

    * I think your wife doesn't want you to be near when she is with the therapist because she fears that you may leave her after hearing what all the rapist/sexual abuser did to her. She thinks that after hearing all that you may create negative feelings towards her.

    * Your wife doesnt want to sleep with you because of the negative feelings she has developed after being abused

    * Wait for the time until she recovers and everything will be fine.

  • 6 years ago

    Guy is absolutely correct.

    She lied to you about her reasons for waiting to have sex, and she trapped you into a sexless marriage knowingly.

    It's sad that she has been harmed, but she is an adult and had a responsibility to handle this HERSELF, and if she couldn't, to avoid getting married under false pretenses.

    If I were you she would have three months to make a change or I would leave.

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