Donna
Lv 4
Donna asked in 社會及文化語言 · 7 years ago

請各位評一評我的作文

In these three weeks, the conflict of interest has always been the most discussed issue in Hong Kong. When more detail of the scandals were disclosed, the Hong Kong government carried out more rigorous rules about the conflict-of-interest.

The development minister Paul Chan Mo-po and Henry Ho’s family was also exposed to hold a factory in the Northeast New Territories. It is obvious that people more distrust the government if the scandals may happen in the future. So, HK government announced a new rule about conflict-of-interest. Pan-democratic and pro-establishment and Wong Kwok-kin gave the rules a lukewarm reception. However, David Akers-Jones gave the rules a support reception. And Lam Woon-kwong gave the rules a neutral reception.

After talking about the news, I would like to express my view about the issue.

I would like to say guidelines problem. There is no doubt that the new conflict-of-interest guidelines are stricter than before. For the past years, there was the rule that described as personal interest, and now it enlarge on their family, friends and other relations, personal friends, the clubs and associations, etc. It is more effective to regulate conflict-of-interest. This is the advantage on what the new rule is. However, the government which is blind to this point could create grey areas. The guidelines are not clearly defined ‘close friends’. For civil servants and officials, it is difficult to declare interest. The worse result is that it will cause heavy argument.

I would like to share my suggestion on the rules of the conflict-of-interest. As mentioned above, the guidelines are not clearly defined ‘close friends’. It is has to defined ‘close friends’. Due to the government official behave will affect to the public. The best way to revise the rules is through the public consultation to define ‘close friends’. This way, more and more people agree the plan and will increase government recognition.

Update:

To sum up, without the rules or not, government officials should responsible and honest. Also, to regulate the conflict-of-interest, the government should make a clearly and strict rules. That will increase government recognition.

Update 2:
Update 3:

唔該再幫手

打個分

如果 Content 7分 Language 7分 organized 7分 你會比幾分呢?

Update 4:

靠學校+自學

2 Answers

Rating
  • 7 years ago
    Favorite Answer

    內容我覺得問題不大,反而 language 和 structure 值得說一說。

    基本文法偶有錯。例如第五段 "It is has to defined ‘close friends’.",漏了 be (passive voice:被定義)和 as(通常說到「定義一樣東西為某事物」 時,會在 define 後面加 as ),正確應是 "It has to be defined as 'close friends'. ";最後一段 "government officials should responsible and honest",漏了動詞 be,應是 "government officials should be responsible and honest"。這些真的要靠你 proofread 改正了。 港式英文。舉例說:That will increase government recognition,你的意思大概是「增加政府威信」吧?但英文通常會說 ''help the government gain recognition/respect from the public'' 或 ''help the government become more recognized/respected by the public''。不要用中文的思維寫英文,建議善用 google 去 check 下你的句子是否在英文中常用,如果不是,那就用別的字/方式代替好了。用法不當。沒錯,用新的 phrase 是不錯,但不要亂用。譬如,英文中會講「一件事得到冷淡/支持的反應」,會說 "receive lukewarm/supportive reception";但不會講 「什麼人給冷淡/支持反應 "give lukewarm/supportive reception"」。又是那一句,用 google check 清楚先寫。過渡不順暢。尤其第二段,你開頭可以用 for example,因為第一段已經提及了 scandals,你第二段於是便可以用波叔做 scandal 的例子;還有,"After talking about the news, I would like to express my view about the issue." 這句不需要,直接接落去就可以了。另外,你後面每段都 「I would」開頭,感覺很怪,有點像小學工作紙的分題,嘗試不要這樣寫(其實你這裡整句 「I would 什麼」不要反而更好。

    2013-08-13 04:10:42 補充:

    文法真係要加把勁,上面只是提了其中一些錯處而已。

    仲有,剪報係 news cutting。

    2013-08-13 14:48:23 補充:

    C:5

    L:4

    O:4

    這是參考上次你老師給你打的分數而打的。

    2013-08-13 14:51:22 補充:

    順道問一下,你有沒有想過報補習社的 course?(非打手)定還是靠「學校+自學」?

    2013-08-13 15:59:53 補充:

    明白。加油啊,我當年都沒有補習,只做 pastpaper,看 BBC news、雜誌的散文和一本「practical usage of english」的 reference book(買+睇本 reference book 主要係因為學校逼我哋每兩星期測入面的用法)。

    純粹小小經驗分享。

    Source(s): 希望幫到你。自己。
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  • Jenkin
    Lv 7
    7 years ago

    In these three weeks, the conflict of interest has always been the most discussed issue in Hong Kong. When more details of the scandal(conflict of interest是1項目) were disclosed, the Hong Kong government carried out more rigorous rules about the conflict-of-interest.

    The Development Minister Paul Chan Mo-po and Henry Ho’s family was also exposed to hold a factory in the northeast New Territories. …[這只是個人取向: 發展局主是專有職位=用大寫;但northeast NT是指方向,沒有一個區專有名詞叫NE NT.例如Sheung Shui/Sha Tak Kok]

    ….

    I would like to say the problem of the guidelines. … and now it enlarges onto their family, friends and …. This is the advantage of [] the new rule []. However, the government [] is blind to this point that it could create grey areas. The guidelines do not clearly define ‘close friends’. … it is difficult to declare the nature/extend of conflict-of-interest. The worse result is that it will cause severe argument. [heavy = 實質重量或者感覺沉重,不能形容爭辯]

    …. As mentioned above, the guidelines have not clearly defined ‘close friends’. It [] has to define ‘close friends’. Due to the government official behaviour will affect [] the public. … This way, more and more people agree the plan and will increase government recognition.[這部份不太明你想講:government recognition是指政府「法理上認受性」還是「讓公民接受」- 因為recognition不會用比較(increase/decrease)來形容government – 不recognition government即是反政府。建議用acceptance. To sum up, with the rules or not, government officials should be responsible and honest. Also, to regulate the conflict-of-interest, the government should make [] clear and strict rules. [rules是眾數 <>不是”a”; a 就只有一條rule] That will increase government recognition. Content: 5Language: 4Organize: 6

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