Critic Review on my Story Intro Please?

Ever since I randomly wrote this story from my head, I haven't got enough feedback only the prologue even though there's 17 likes to it. In many ways, it seems like it's not hooking the audience, so I want to know what else I can do about it. Basically about a girl named Lorna who discovered a secret she will never forget from her imaginary friend:

Lorna's POV

I remember...

I fell asleep soundly with the lingering thoughts whirling in my head. A dream snatched me and I was sauntering in a dark forest. Content from my own solitude, I nonchalantly searched my imaginary friends. One of them, Adrian, strolled beside me. He had shaggy, light brown hair and emerald green cat-like eyes; he was wearing a plaid red shirt with suspenders and autumn brown pants with a pair of old sneakers.

(Insert conversation here)

Then romping within the woods, until I caught something in my eye. I paused and stared at a man with no eyes, instead has those inky, hideous sockets I had ever seen. His mouth is stitched in a mischievous smile while he had no nose. His sinewy body showed his ribs, reminding me an image of a skeleton. While my gaze prolonged, my heart hammered wildly, then turned my head to Adrian if he knows that person over there and surprisingly, he was NOT there beside me. Being very intimidated by that creature who was staring at me, I started to scream John for help.

I Snapped my head back to that thing over there, he was GONE. I became cautious as I continued my trek through the forest. Suddenly, I have a whim that I just have to check he's not behind me and looked. He's simply waiting and watching each move I take. My eyes become widened with fear and swiveled my head to the path I was following as if he's stalking me. I can't bear it any longer and turned around again. He's NOW chasing after me! I already became quick on my feet and tried to find a way to escape from him.

As I dashed through the woods, there were little ugly monsters that looked like melting candles with jagged teeth chased me. It made me go faster than ever that I just want to wake up now! On the end of the path of the forest, there was only a cliff with the looming abyss nearby. I braked my feet and just glanced at it for a while.

Turning around, I saw that thing, who's approaching closer and closer. Before I choose a way out from the beast, the last moment I remembered was hearing John's gruesome, twisted voice mixed with a subtle, deviant demon tone, "Lorna, come here, because we're not done yet from our little game!"

Update:

For the name, John, I switched it to Adrian since it sounds more better. Sorry for the mix-up.

4 Answers

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  • 7 years ago
    Favorite Answer

    It was decent, although you were right. It didn't catch my attention at all. The main character Lorna's name is a bit hard to pronounce(I thought so when reading it and that distracted me) Maybe add a 'i' Make it Lorina, Ilora, or Liorna. It doesn't flow and it's not very feminine.

    Another thing, even though it's wonderful to have a large vocabulary, you can sound just as intelligent(if not more) with out whipping out the thesaurus. Try to even it out.

    "...and emerald green cat-like eyes..."- Emerald is cliche, what about viridian?

    "A dream snatched me and I was SAUNTERING in a dark forest. CONTENT from MY OWN SOLITUDE, I NONCHALANTLY searched my imaginary friends."- Please even out the words or you'll sound like a whiny Emo 12-year-old trying to write. The sentences sound GREAT by themselves, but together it sounds like a thesaurus puked on it.

    "His sinewy body..." That makes me picture something without skin, is that what you were trying to describe? If it does have skin, then I would use gaunt instead.

    "While my gaze prolonged..."- it doesn't sound right.

    "...my heart hammered wildly..." I love it. Maybe not wildly though. Maybe 'to the beat of the drums'? The heart beats to a rhythm so wildly doesn't fit.

    "My eyes become widened with fear and swiveled my head to the path I was following as if he's stalking me." No, just no. what about 'My eyes widened with fear as I whipped my head to look behind. The dark, forested path I was following sent chills down my spine. I felt as if someone was following me. The eyes burnt into me, as if a had a horrible wound that was being cauterized. I swiveled my head and saw him as I thought 'RUN!' Trees flew by me as I tried to find a way to escape him.'

    This story reminds me of Alice Human Sacrifice, look it up.

  • Anonymous
    7 years ago

    It's awkwardly written for the most part. There are a number of words used incorrectly. (You don't brake your feet, you stop; gruesome doesn't really apply to a voice; you can't glance at something for a while as a glance is by definition something done quickly; a person being chased by a variety of horrid creatures doesn't look behind her on a whim,, it's more a matter of self-preservation.)

  • Anonymous
    7 years ago

    It was so good, I love your attention to detail and the words just seem to flow. You are very talented and if you wanted to be a writer someday, you could do it.

  • 7 years ago

    It sounds like you googled synonyms for half your words.

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