Is it wise to keep going with my boyfriend who thinks he is abused by me?
This is quite interesting because I'm the insecure psycho and really keen to know how to fix myself. I really wasn't like this but really don't know why things went so wrong now so I really need some help, too.
First of all, I'm not Chinese but Taiwanese. I have a good job and life here in Taiwan with so many loving friends and family around, and I can always do whatever I love to do, like playing sports, hiking, river tracing or diving after work. For me, there's no reason to move oversea since I'm pretty happy with my life here, no mention moving to Australia. I've really never ever thought of that if he wasn't in Australia. So I really don't understand why I should move to Australia when he can also find a job easily here and we can also have a good life in Taiwan. Anyways, since I love him very much, it's alright to “give up” my good life in Taiwan and move there just because he kept saying he didn't wanna move here. Unfortunately, my family is super close to each other and nice so my parents really wanted me to stay here instead of moving somewhere so far away. I really love them very much so I really didn't wanna hurt their feeling to move there right away. It's really my fault to spend a bit more time on convincing them that I'd be happy there in Australia too and now they are really fine with it after I talked so much good things about him to convince them and he also came visit my parents this year. I'm really sorry for wasting some time on this and I did tell him about this all the time although he never understand how important my family is to me.
My parents are fine with it now so there's no problems to move to Australia since I really don't care where to live, even though I love Taiwan the most and the job I'm having now is my dream job which I can't do in Australia. So what's the problem now? Oh yeah I can't trust him at all now when we are in distance because I'm a insecure psycho. But frankly, everything has a reason no matter what. I've really tried so hard to trust him again but I really can't now. Why? Tell me how to trust someone when he always lies to you, always. He likes to find girls to hang out all the time, one by one, language exchange partner has been his best excuse. He treated some girl super nice, slept with her for months, lied to her and made her fall in love with him so she really hated him at the end but he still tried so hard to contact with her few times when I went to stay in Australia last year for 3 months with him. She never wanna talk to him though because she felt really hurt. After that, we broke up for a while but still couldn't let it go so we got back together again this year, after he promised me that he'd never ever do those things to me again and I chose to trust him again. Unfortunately, I saw some erotic videos he took secretly with some other girls in his laptop, not only his ex girlfriend ( which I saw it long time ago but never really cared about it, and I never said anything like I'll send them to everyone he knows if he doesn't follow the rules, never ever. ) I was so shocked because that was after he swear to god that he really never slept with someone else after last time he promised me, when he came visit my family in Taiwan. It's already so bad that he took those videos secretly but even worse, he slept with some Chinese girl he knew for 2 days in China and took a video of it secretly ( Yeah none of those girls knew he did it except his ex.) before he came to Taiwan.
Please tell me what should I do or say? I really love him very much but I really can't stand that he hurt me over and over, again and again... I really didn't know what to do at all so I told him that we should break up since he was still the same. That's the first time I said to him... “ How could you do this go me AGAIN!! After you promised me, after we got back together again and I really tried so hard to trust you again after last time! Just when I thought my parents were happy about us being together so everything was gonna be alright and we could live in Australia together... you just broke my dream, and my heart...”
He didn't say anything when I said all these to him. He only said he was really bad, was really sorry and I should break up with him because I'd be happier since I'm so happy in Taiwan. ( He was staying in my house with my family for 14 days so he knew how good my life is here.) Few days later, he said he really wanted to be with me and marry me and it's all his fault... blah blah... I knew it's pretty bad to keep going since I really couldn't trust him anymore but I really just love him too much so I really didn't know what to do. I talked with lots friends and looked up so many books or articles on internet, all the time when I'm in the relationship actually...
That's why I made all those rules that he had to call me everyday and like what those article say... “A history of who has been called, texts, and emails is viewable. The problem can ensue, however, as the partner's desire to know what the unfaithful one is doing, coupled with their inherent distrust after an affair, can make them seem paranoid and controlling. It's a fine line that can be crossed. ” which means yeah I have all his passwords. I told him I really couldn't trust him at all after all these, especially when we were in distance so we needed to rebuild up the trust between us by this way until I go live with him and he promised me he'd do all the things about the rules.
So why was I angry still to become an “abusing” girlfriend? (Not because he accidentally say something which sets me off but he never understands why after I explained so many times and he still kept breaking his words...)Because he still has never d
Because he still has never done everything he promised me that he'd do, like not talking to me everyday, still lying to me about lots things, keeping finding new language exchange partners on internet, planning to go back to China ( he used to say it's easier to a girlfriend in China to his friend...), and not telling me anything really... I'm too stupid to follow the rules, which means I should have broken up with him long time ago when he kept breaking his words so many times. It's just too hard for me so I could only keep asking him to do all those things he promised he'd do and keep feeling disappointed or upset when he still keeps breaking it...
The only reason for me to still keep going is only because I still have a hope that everything is gonna be alright since we are fine most time when we live together. I'm gonna quit my job very soon so I can give up my good life here to go live with him in Australia after that soon. That's why I keep telling hi
That's why I keep telling him that I really can't stand long distance relationship anymore. So either he comes to Taiwan or I go to Australia. He can easily get a working visa to stay here as long as he wants but I can't do it in Australia. That's why we need to get married to get the visa if we wanna live in Australia together. Otherwise I don't even care about getting married or not at all...
I rarely told him to see a counselor but did ask him to talk with more friends about his situation like what I always do and it really makes me think things in different ways and find some ways to fix things. He said he did that all the time as well and also told his friends everything. But just like what he said in the question... did he really tell the truth? About everything? Sorry I really don't think so and maybe that's why he never gets some really objective views about the whole thing. At least that's what our friends told me. They thought I was horrible
They thought I was horrible until I told them the real whole story...
So... yeah I really wanna know how I can be a normal girlfriend instead of an insecure psycho in this kind of situation. I'm still keeping finding the answers by talking to my friends or reading books... some of my friends are professional counselors by the way but we just chat instead of really counseling of course. I always tell him that no one can ever make him do anything since he is an adult and can makes his own choices so it's fine to break up with me but just let me know and we can both let it go. I really don't know why he still wanna be abused by such a horrible girlfriend he just described. Yeah such a total idiot, just like me.
As what I said, everything has a reason. We really have so much in common and always can do so much fun stuff together because we both love it, like all kinds of adventurous things, cooking, traveling, etc. I know it still sounds stupid to say so after all these but we really had so much great times with each other, especially when we lived together ( I went stay in Australia for 1, 3 months after I left there. We also lived together for 3 months the first time I was there. ) Maybe that's why I have this kind of hopeless hope that everything might be alright when we do live together. It really wasn't like this in the beginning, or the first 2 years, just like what he said. I really didn't know it would go so wrong like this after 3 years long distance relationship the first time I left Australia. We couldn't be happier with each other by that time.
Some of what he said were right, including “some periods of infidelity on both sides while we were living in different countries.” Although I always told him that it would hurt me so bad if he did so in the beginning of our relationship when I was going to leave Australia and he kept convincing me to have another boyfriend in Taiwan. That's why I really felt horrible when I knew what he did the first time and slept with my friend one time after he comforted me during that period. One time only because I told my friend I loved my boyfriend very much all the time and I'd feel sorry or guilty if I ever made him feel that he had a chance to be with me. I never felt sorry to my boyfriend though since he was the one who kept asking me to have another boyfriend in Taiwan all the time. For me, there's nothing really right or wrong in a relationship but two people can respect and not hurt each other or not. I'd never do anything he ever says it hurts him. But for him, what I did
But for him, what I did just “proved” that having an affair was alright. No one could ever get hurt since I did it as well, and I'm a hypocrite to ask him not do so but also did it. Oh well, what can I say? Past has already passed. I know it's stupid to have this kind of hope so yeah I know the answer to this all the time. And I'm pretty good when I live by myself here actually. If my self-esteem was so low that I felt dependent on him, maybe I'd have go live with him in Australia long time ago. Those great times we had were so good that it makes me have that kind of stupid hope but that's all I think. Thanks very much for all your answers and I'll find the best way to finish all these dramas.
- ClueLv 67 years agoBest Answer
You have wasted a lot of your time and energy on this loser. He is Abusing YOU. You are not abusing him.
Actually you are LETTING him abuse you by his lying and cheating. Why do you allow that? He obviously doesn't love you. He is a sex addict and he is using you. Please LEAVE him immediately and find a better man. You deserve much better.
If he hurt you over and over again WHY are you still with him? Stop giving me more chances to hurt you. Do you have masochistic tendencies? Is your self-esteem so low that you feel dependent on him and can't let go?
Most women would have left after the FIRST time he cheated. He will NOT change trust me. He may even become worse. Do you hate yourself or feel guilty about something in order to put yourself through all this? Because, honestly, it seems to me as if you are PUNISHING yourself by staying with him. He is a man who does not treat you right, without respect or consideration of your own needs. He is selfish and that is NOT love.
If you are a psycho or not will be determined after you dump him and find a new man. If you keep behaving with distrust and insecurities even if this new man doesn't cheat or lie, then maybe you have an issue with jealousy. However if you are provoked, as you were by your current boyfriend, I don't think you are a psycho for spying on him. He is just trying to blame you to divert the blame off of him since it's actually HIS actions that are wrong BY FAR here, and not yours. He is trying to make you feel guilty to save his ass. He is very sly, A TYPICAL CHEATER.
Please stay away from him.
- BrittanyLv 44 years ago
it seems as though you are hurt and they are all trying to annoy you since he and his friends want the "Upper Hand" sorry you have to go through all this. You have to let go of the feelings you have for him, the longer you hold out the more you will get hurt. If it comes down to it change your phone number and report him to the police, you only have feelings for him cuz of the history you have with him. the new girl is just going along with him and trust me he is talking behind your back even if you arent doing anything to him he is just making it up, give it some time and lose your feelings for him, if he cared about you then he wouldnt treat you like this so why should you care about him, exactly, forget him!
- Anonymous7 years ago
Too much text.
But simply put, NO, you bring out the worst in each other, so you shouldn't be together, or even in the same general area.
- Broken RecordLv 77 years ago
You should know the answer to this yourself