My 18 year old hates me?
I am a 44 year old who went through a divorce a year ago. My now ex wife left and moved in with another man. We have two daughters, oldest 22 and married and my youngest is 18. I started dating about 5 months after my wife left. I am with the same girl now for about 6 months. We get along great. I was forced to sell my home and split the equity with my ex. I am currently renting a home and have begun searching for a new home to buy. My 18 year old daughter lives with me still. I have been spending more time with my girlfriend and working a 12 hour shift at work. My daughter never wants to do anything with me and is usually sleeping until noon or playing computer games. It seems lately we have become very distant. She blames me by saying I am never home and that I don't do anything despite the fact that when I am home all day she is sleeping or on the computer with friends. A few days ago it all erupted and she began screaming that she hates me and wants me out of her life. I have followed the advice here from others posts and tried sitting her down to talk with her as adults. Same result. Screaming and telling me she doesn't want me in her life. My girlfriend has been incredibly nice to both of my daughters. I am currently still paying my daughters car insurance, cell phone and paying everything in the home and most of her brand new car payment. I'm stuck on how to handle the situation. It's obvious by her attitude that she is blaming me for spending time with my girlfriend despite that my daughter never wants to do anything even if its just the two of us. Any advice?
- MerryLv 77 years agoFavorite Answer
Well - she is 18... at this age it sort of comes with the territory!
However, my advice is sometimes a little tough love goes a long way. You need to be her parent not her friend & teach her to be a bit more self reliant & resilient.
Bohooo daddy has a gf he spends more time with than me ~ truly she is 18 not 8!!!!
SO... here are my suggestions - STOP paying for everything - your not a bank ... at 18 she should at the very least have some sort of p/time or weekend work .. if not it is time she did.
BUT... here is what I would do ... set one night per week to have dinner with her - make this a regular thing (eg every Tuesday at 7.30pm etc)... AND... one morning per week (prearrange a time/day that works for both of you) have breakfast together ... this might require you to be a bit patient & take the step of knocking on her door & telling her to get out of bed. Make it not negotiable...
Be her friend in an appropriate.. realistic way....(taking her out to dinner etc) but be her parent in a way that will teacher her real life skills & give her the ability to grow up & lead a grown up existence by making her accountable for the basic things in life (like getting out of bed before noon & paying for the things she needs in life - like a car, food, insurance etc etc).
As said - you are her parent - not her friend... the transition will be tough, but the reward is a daughter who can stand on her own two feet ... she will respect you more in the long term!
EDIT - Meghans comment that if you take away her phone etc etc she will hate you more is true ... I am not suggesting taking her things away - I am suggesting giving her the responsibility of having to pay for these herself!!! (ie you want them... you pay for them.. it is called being a grown-up!)
- Anonymous4 years ago
This Site Might Help You.
My 18 year old hates me?
I am a 44 year old who went through a divorce a year ago. My now ex wife left and moved in with another man. We have two daughters, oldest 22 and married and my youngest is 18. I started dating about 5 months after my wife left. I am with the same girl now for about 6 months. We get along great. I...Source(s): 18 year hates me: https://biturl.im/zJH6u
- 7 years ago
"My now ex wife left and moved in with another man."
Putting on my internet armchair psychiatrist hat I'd guess she is feeling abandoned by her mother and with you starting to prioritize your free time to your new girlfriend it feels like more of the same to her. My advice would be to find ways to spend more time with her without giving up your authority and leadership position as a father. This might involve some outings with your daughter(s), or it might just be you making it a point to be in the home keeping order when not at work, even if your daughter is still basically doing her own thing. However, it is important that you not make a big show of doing this because of her complaints, and I also wouldn't make a big deal out of not having time with the girlfriend. She needs to know that you are still there, but she also still needs to see you as her father, the head of the household. If you do this from a frame of appeasement it won't work. She needs an anchor point in a time of chaos. Be gentle, but be strong. You don't have much time left to be a stabilizing force in your youngest daughter's life. Focus on that and don't harbor any resentment that it cuts into your romantic life.
Fortunately you are in a strong position in what we call the dating/mating marketplace. While it was your wife who walked out thinking she could do better, the reality is this is incredibly unlikely. It is extremely common in these situations for the ex husband after a year or two to end up with a significantly younger and prettier new girlfriend, while the ex wife finds herself with very slim options. The men who will offer her even minimal commitment aren't the men she is attracted to, and the men she is attracted to aren't interested in anything beyond no strings sex (and often not even that). That you found a girlfriend so quickly after something so devastating shows that you are on the track I'm describing. I mention this because the first girlfriend wasn't a fluke, so don't worry that if you focus on your girls now you won't be able to find someone else in a year or two if your girlfriend won't stick around while you make being a father your first priority. Check out the OK Cupid link in the sources below to understand what a strategic error your wife made when she walked out on you.
Good luck! Take care of your daughters first, and know that you have good things in front of you.Source(s): I'm a happily married father who writes a popular blog on marriage. http://blog.okcupid.com/index.php/the-case-for-an-...
- 3 years ago
I hate to say this but if your ex told you that you're too jealous and clingy then he must know what he's saying.
Read here https://tr.im/GDCSv
Anyone that goes out clubbing just to see what their ex is doing or drive by his place at 7:00 a.m. to see who's there tell me that you need to work on something. I don't think that you are only jealous but also possessive. And if you don't change that then you will never get your ex back. Please don't get me wrong. I'm not trying to mean to you. I only want you to see what you are doing is so wrong. You have to admit that you are jealous and clingy. If you can't admit that then you'll never be able to fix the problem.
I understand that you don't like it if he dances and flirts in front of you. But guys are guys. And many guys don't see anything wrong with this. I know you feel hurt if he does that in front of your face. And it is disrespectful. But there are ways you can talk to your boyfriend if he's flirting while he's with you. You only have to tell him that it hurts you and that it's disrespectful and then ask him to stop doing it when he’s with you.
I don't know if getting back with your ex is going to last because now you have two problems. You were having problems with him because of his flirting and now you will have another problem because of this girl that he's going out with. It is eating you alive that he's involved with this girl and you know he's probably sleeping with her. How are you going to handle that if you get back together? Because of your jealousy and your insecurities are you going to be able to forget that he was ever involved with this girl? You really need to work on this and make sure if you try to get him back that you never again mention about his flirting or this girl. You can mention one more time how his flirting affects you but it has to stop there.
You asked how do you compete with the girl he's involved with. I looked at the picture and I can tell that your ex knows how to go for beautiful girls. So that give me a clear picture about how you look. I have a feeling that you are also very beautiful but for some reason I don't think you see yourself that way. The only thing I can tell you is that your boyfriend did not leave you because he didn't love you. He left you because of your jealousy and because you were clinging to him. If you love his as much as you say you do then fight for him and get him back. And if you do get him back then make sure that you can promise him that you will no longer be jealous, clingy or insecure about your relationship with him. If you can't promise him that then you may as well forget about him because it won't work if you don't change,
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- JewelleLv 67 years ago
She sounds like a spoiled brat. Is it possible you spoiled her because you felt guilty about the divorce?
Tell her if she hates you that much she can get a job, support herself, and move out. You're not doing her any favors by letting her be a bum anyway. Tell her to go to school or get a job. If you let her continue being a slacker things will only get worse.
If she hates you more for making her actually do something with her life, tell her to go like with her mother or live on her own.
You can't give up your relationship over your selfish adult daughter. It's time she stopped leeching off of you and found her own way.
- Anonymous4 years ago
Want to know how to get your ex back? Change yourself. Don't worry about changing other people, worry about changing yourself. Go to https://tr.im/Jotgr
Once you do that then you can start to worry about getting back together with your ex, other wise you will find that you are fighting about all the same things and getting no where. Do what it takes and I promise things will work out in your favor.
The funny thing is I came to the realization that I had to change a little too late. After I was kicked out and after I was about to lose the only things that truly mattered to me - her love. A funny thing happens when we truly love someone and lose them. We do what ever it takes to get them back. For me I had to drop bad habits that had caused not only our relationship to sour but practically every other relationship I had had in the past. Not only with women, but with friends, co-workers, family, you name it.
Which is why I say to you as my ex at the time said to me, the only thing you can do is change yourself. Work on yourself and improve on the person that you already are. Drop the negative things in your life that don't belong there and you will see all of your relationships start to take off to new heights.
- Anonymous7 years ago
Ahh. The divorced parent's guilt. Its a wonderful thing. All you can do is at least try to include her in some activities from time to time. Maybe just the two of you go out to lunch or just for a walk in the park. And just be the best father you can. If she refuses, don't make a big deal. But continue making the offers.
- Anonymous7 years ago
I'm going to try to give you a little bit of a look into her perspective, coming from a 19 year old girl.
My dad is divorced too. He has always chose women over me, and this makes me NOT want to spend time with him. Even though you don't believe you do so, your daughter probably feels like you are ignoring her for your girlfriend. I mean, if you work 12 hour shifts AND see your girlfriend a good bit, there's no way you're able to fit in an adequate amount of quality time with your daughter as well. The times you are probably spending with her are spent being angry at you because of the girlfriend. Not to mention, divorce was probably REALLY hard on her if she was 17. She was old enough to fully understand it and get full negative emotional side effects from that. If your oldest daughter is 22 and you just got a divorce a year ago (and your daughters were conceived inside of wedlock) then you must have been married for at least 23 years. And you were already dating 5 months later! Of course this is going to make her very angry towards you and not want to have anything to do with you, much less talk it out. You didn't give her enough time to heal from the divorce and you already brought another woman into it. On top of that, the attention that is supposed to be devoted to your daughter is taken away from by the woman. I really just do not think she was ready for this new woman to enter the picture. It probably makes her feel like you didn't really love her mother if you were able to move on that quickly. And another thing, I loved quality time with my dad (before he started putting other women first) and I would still be on the computer talking to my friends and stuff. Teenage girls are going to do that, it's like our life. The important thing is that our dad is there with us, talking to us as we do all the social medias.
Not saying that any of this is valid or correct, but just letting you know what is most likely going through her head. Hope I helped!
P.S. She might benefit from seeing a counselor to work through the divorce.
EDIT: If you take away her phone and car, then she will definitely resent you more!
Second EDIT: To the people who are giving this thumbs down, I'm trying to tell him HER point of view, I'm not saying it's a good one or that she's right!! Geez.
- HeatherLv 47 years ago
I think a little tough love is in order...how about cutting her off from paying for things, she seems to be a brat and getting away with it. If she doesn't want to spend time with you yet still is angry? If she wants you out of her life, suggest she gets her own place and pays for her own car, insurance, cell phone, rent etc...
- ♠ Merlin ♠Lv 77 years ago
tell your adult daughter you have taken a cut in hours to spend time with her
and you will now no longer be able to pay for her car,her insurance, her cell phone, her new clothes and anything else you fund
she is too old to be behaving in this manner
she wants to strop but wont play ball
play her at her own game