How to accept my boyfriend's past as a drug addict and john?

Honestly, I do accept it. The problem is I the person that I love now is NOT compatible with the person he was before we met, someone who didn't value his life at all. I guess there's this eerie feeling I get that if we weren't to work out (we plan on getting married, and I see us not working out as a hypothetical that won't play out), he would go back to that life.

We are so in love, and I know we are meant to be together (it's a feeling, plus we had lots of crossing of paths before we entered each other's lives) and it hurts me to think that this person I love so much was in such a low place that he didn't care that what he was doing could kill him.

I just can't make the past and present compatible. How can I develop a more gracious and complex view of this? Perhaps an elaboration of the "what he did before you, made him who he is and led him to you" wouldn't be terrible.


@Sharon G I do have borderline personality disorder, so the co-dependency remark was spot on. We met in a mental hospital, so we were closed off from being the people we were outside of it. There weren't drugs at the time I met him, but many other issues that put me in a "helper" position. Thank you so much, that was way more insightful an answer than I expected here. The BPD hijacks our relationship often, but right now I feel rational.

1 Answer

  • 7 years ago
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    There is a part of you that does NOT accept that he has moved on! There is something in you that was attracted to the person he was---which probably fit a need within you ---(perhaps a helper role or other co-dependent role).

    Before you two move on to a more committed relationship you both need to explore this and get some assistance with it, as if it is not resolved ---you may at a subconscious level undermine his efforts to continually move forward ----then it would fulfill that need in you that attracted you to him in the first place.

    If he has moved forward it is important that you have a clear mind that he truly has moved on and you let the past die --where it belongs...if you do not that subconscious concern/fear that you have could undermine the relationship.

    Rather than thinking this way as you say " it hurts me so much that this person I love so much was in such a low place that he didn't care that what he was doing could kill him. "----look at his strengths and his choice to move forward and change for the good! Focus on the present instead of the past.

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