How to accept my boyfriend's past as a drug addict and john?
Honestly, I do accept it. The problem is I the person that I love now is NOT compatible with the person he was before we met, someone who didn't value his life at all. I guess there's this eerie feeling I get that if we weren't to work out (we plan on getting married, and I see us not working out as a hypothetical that won't play out), he would go back to that life.
We are so in love, and I know we are meant to be together (it's a feeling, plus we had lots of crossing of paths before we entered each other's lives) and it hurts me to think that this person I love so much was in such a low place that he didn't care that what he was doing could kill him.
I just can't make the past and present compatible. How can I develop a more gracious and complex view of this? Perhaps an elaboration of the "what he did before you, made him who he is and led him to you" wouldn't be terrible.
@hurricain Thank you
@sleepingliv I am the reason that he has changed, which makes me feel uncomfortable, not superior. I want the person I love to feel valuable regardless of my existence. I had a pretty narrow, simplistic way of viewing people before him; loving him has showed me how many hats a person can wear. I love him completely with his past, it's just trying to frame it in the present that is troubling me.
@sleepingliv My biggest problem in life is not being able to let go of the past. It has ruined so much for me. I am obsessed with my own, but that's besides the point.
- MauriceLv 77 years agoFavorite Answer
I think I know what you mean. There's a lot more pressure on you than there should be in a relationship. You shouldn't have to be more than loving wife and partner, but you are. So you can't just decide that the relationship isn't good for you and move on, without the weight and guilt and worry about what will happen to him on your shoulders. In some small way, your relationship is like a prison and it's ok that you resent it a little.
I see you convincing us that you are meant to be together, I just hope you aren't convincing yourself as well. Rescuing someone isn't a great place to be. It wears on you. Do what you can to build him a support system that doesn't involve you. If and when you can be comfortable that he will survive and thrive with or without you, then you can relax and just enjoy being in a relationship without having to be his "everything."
- Adam FLv 57 years ago
The past is totally a part of who is is so you do have to forgive him for that and move on. But the meta message of your post seems to belie that you have some real doubt or hesitation as to whether he has truley moved on past that stage of his life. Whether is falls back into his old patterns is up to him, not you if things don't work out. But you believe he will easly fall back into old patterns if you don't work out, so what's to say that he won't just as easily if there's a problem in the marriage or his personal life. I think byond the question you have your own intuition trying to tell you something and I think it merrits being looked at. If you have your doubts, a guy that is hooked on drugs doesn't exactly make the best potential father for future children. I do think your instict is trying to tell you something. Addictics are notorious liars and minipluators and even if you think he's off he may still be on without your knowlege. Given his past if you were thinking next steps with him I'd definatly get him checked out followed for a bit by a PI to make sure he isn't doing anything that you aren't aware of.
And if you think you are ment to be together how can you quantify that. What is it that makes him right for you. If you seperate all the in love feelings, remove the dopamine flood and any execitement about engagement), what is there that makes you think that he is values and goals are aligned with your future goals?
- JanetLv 44 years ago
Stephanie, that's such a pretty name, but he's gay and pretending not to be. He turned tricks for drugs with how many guys? Hundreds? You plan on getting married, but you haven't set a date, and arent engaged. So in the meantime you lend him money and he drives your car. He's still on drug and still having sex with men. Unless you are both deeply involved in a church, he's a con artist tricking you.
- sleepinglivLv 77 years ago
You may not like this, but I'm going to be blunt with you.
It seems like deep down inside you feel you are a better person than him and it makes you feel superior to take credit for lifting him up out of the gutter. My advice? Get off of your high horse and accept him as is. If you cannot do that, then cut him loose and let him find someone who is able to love him regardless of his past.
edit: Why do you need to "frame the past with the present"??? The past is gone. You should let it go too.
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- HurricainLv 77 years ago
The past is a closed book. What happened in the past has no bearing on the present, or the future.
The only thing you should do is satisfy yourself that he has no diseases or health problems from the past that could impact the present; a simple checkup should serve the purpose. If so, move forward. There's no need to look back, you can't change the past, but don't allow things that happened in the past to impact your present or your future.
- hopeingLv 67 years ago
good luck with thay,,,what a idiot