Thomas
Lv 7
Thomas asked in Arts & HumanitiesPoetry · 7 years ago

Will you pull the lever to "The Execution" , C.C. and improve this poem please?

I am more and more respecting and honoring the YAP answering poets, instead of just posting a poem, hoping for good answers and c/c and moving on. Not bad at all mind you, but if folks take the time to answer, I want to take more time thinking about what you have to say. This is not a first draft per se, and has taken some research and work, but I also want to bring it back later, so I stopped here and decided to post it. Too, I had so much going on in my head I felt I could write a short story. Thanks, Thomas

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The Execution

As I stand here up on the freshly constructed pine lumbered deck

With noose around my throat, the festivities administrator shouts:

“Five minutes!” till hanging; comes a lifetime of memories above my neck

Take inventory of a life lived and learned then settle any doubts

I love the south, a cowboy, rancher, a Texan, but I said no to slavery

Was a cattleman by trade, before the war my main clients went north

One of my customers became a lifelong friend, a man of doughty bravery

Recalling my delivery of goods to Gettysburg, and his a speech henceforth

Loving what one does makes it easy to be a cover for what one must do

First look after my wife and three daughters, then clandestine abolition

Slavery was wrong; black folk deserved nothing less than what I can accrue

For years my operation succored them northing to discover freedoms coalition

My last haul of livestock; week of April 10, 1865 this time to Washington D.C.

After a year of moving cattle, and freeing slaves along the road to perdition

The Emancipation Proclamation was signed saying all slaves were like me; free

Time travels slowly to the south, as slavery remained part of the human condition

Six days after Robert E. Lee surrenders thus ending this treacherous Civil War

I stand at the Ford’s Theater with the president to pose for a daguerreotype

“Our American Cousin” premiers; am ensconced adjoining presidential boxes door

For some reason, I looked at my watch; 10:15pm and heard a gun shot snipe

Out of my trance with suddenty as a minister was giving me my last rites

I regret the lack of time on earth to finish thoughts of a man I would soon see

Also, my wife and kids murdered by the confederates, to them I see the lights

“LAST WORDS?” the administrator asked? I looked beyond the cherry tree

Reflective of one execution to experiencing another, I joyfully yelled: FREEDOM

I heard the lever pulled, felt the scuttle open and

down

I

went to my …..

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Update:

Author's Note: The last word would have been death, but he was stopped short of it by the noose tightening and for all intents and purposes, snapping his neck.

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Update 2:

Did anyone get the line where I made a respectful reference

to our first president? Thought I would throw that in.

Many good answers. I appreciate them all >> as always. Thomas

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Update 3:

The Yorkshire Man: Thanks for your answer...or comment on the TD's. It's not them TYM, it's me. I feel sorry for these poor folks who kindly answer, like sweet Alexandra Lovely, wouldn't hurt a flee and just supports me poetry and gets hammered with a TD cause a perrrrr-son....sorry, difficult to say they are a person, hates me or whatever. I lift that person up right now and rebuke their envy, anger or whatever it is in the name of Our (my) Savior Jesus Christ, amen, and amen.

So sorry bro...you will likely get your fill as well. Maybe not those since I posted this, as they (I have narrowed it down) like to play cat and mouse. Thomas

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Update 4:

Pandora: Well, is so nice of you to join me here. Hate to say, right now this is as far as it goes. However, when I bring in back in a few months, I may change it up. There are more parts and an ending I have not written yet. I am a novelist in a poet's body, or is it vice versa. ha ha....thanks again, Thomas

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Update 5:

Awe....Lauren, what can I say. Thanks for your answer and your very well placed suggestions. I hope to bring this back again soon with a possible twist of sorts, but we'll see. Yeah, your answer deserved a TD. Just think, there is one out there, I am fairly certain who it is, but no matter, The Lord who reigns in heaven is and is probably smiling down on us, and this poor TD fella. Anyway, God bless and keep you until that day comes for us. Thomas

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Update 6:

Thank you all. I wish BA trophy could be shared by all of you. I noticed that TD's for the most part are not sustainable....meaning...they swoop is, take a huge dump over the poem for the YAP maid to clean up, then they are gone, on to pester someone else. On the other hand, as time goes on, Thumb's Up are sustainable, and the ratio (let's come up with a name...hehe, fun!) of thumbs up to thumbs down starts to increase. What once looked like sorry site with a lot of crap-meat still stinking the page, the appreciation for the poem and each others answers started to ring through. For that, I thank you, those who gave a star out, and the readers who choose not to post. I appreciate you as well, very much. Thomas

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12 Answers

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  • Just
    Lv 7
    7 years ago
    Favorite Answer

    This kept my attention and my interest from beginning to end.

    I really like it! A lot.

    I got right into it.. felt like I was there and you were exactly

    the person written about.

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  • Nat
    Lv 7
    7 years ago

    I read this twice.

    The way you layer longer story-related prose is

    admirable, and something I have much trouble with.

    You make it seem effortless, natural,

    but all of us who write know the opposite is true.

    I often measure the effectiveness of a piece

    by the number of TD's........Jealousy rears it's

    green head.

    Kudos to you, Mr Carney.

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  • 7 years ago

    Ho yes !

    this has real promise. I read it through several times. It is obviously not a first draft if it had of been wow!

    I do think it needs some work here and there to bring it up to your usual standard.

    I love the south, a cowboy, rancher, a Texan, but I said no to slavery

    I love the south, a cowboy, rancher, a Texan, avast said I to slavery (gives more punch)

    Time travels slowly to the south, as slavery remained part of the human condition

    Eradication travels out of time dissipating southerly, slavery's vestige haunts of soul

    last lines

    I heard the lever pulled, felt the scuttle open/ to descend to heavens gate

    one last look towards me final destination took.........

    A very nice piece which tells a sorrowful tale of past, let us all learn from history, as it has a way of returning. (lest we forget)

    Lauren

    TD ha ha ha small minds = small actions boo hoo suck on it!

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  • Anonymous
    7 years ago

    My goodness, what J Arthur Ranker's are doing all these TD's? B....loody kids the lot of ya...

    What is wrong with Roann's answer that warrants 7 TD's? Or Bann's with 4?

    Breezy with 9TD’s Caitlin’s got 10, Ok she didn’t like the piece fair enough…But 10 Td's, Jesus H.

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  • 7 years ago

    Thomas I really do like this poem! :) It is like one of those poems they make you read in school and decipher what is being said. I understand it and the story line is clear I read your notes and I like how you ended it. You are an amazing poet who really gets into the character's head and runs the extra mile to make your poems beautiful.

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  • Good Thomas ñ_ñ. I like this. Execution ha ha. I remeber one game Alice Madness Returns.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xYS-CGoiGCc

    Youtube thumbnail

    The executioner chasing you is terrifying.

    Greetings.

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  • 7 years ago

    A good choice of final word or words.

    It makes me wonder how many innocent people were executed by law.

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  • 7 years ago

    Well, you have certainly left us with a cliff-hanger.

    The suspense is killing me with this chilling tale of execution.

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  • 7 years ago

    So, as a time traveler, you became Lincoln? Pretty damn good if that is truly the case. If not, try to arrange it so that this poem becomes what I said.

    And-----WRITE A BOOK!!!

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  • 7 years ago

    It's brilliant Bri..you took me to another time and place. It's vivid, chilling and very very real.

    Especially find the last line poignant..

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