Thomas
Lv 7
Thomas asked in Arts & HumanitiesPoetry · 7 years ago

Will you immerse yourself in "The Girl" and help improve this draft before the conclusion?

I just read this to a trusted colleague and got the green light to at least put out this first draft. Your C.C. and comments...always welcome. This needs some refining, but when I get it better, with your help, I will put out both parts. Soon I hope. Does this hold your interest to know more? You guys are the best, so thanks for whatever you can impart upon me. Thomas

_____________________________________________________________________________

The Girl

This journal concerns The Girl, a young lady named Bridget, not her real name

My favorite female sobriquet, to protect her real name, you will soon understand

First, please indulge me to set up this story for you will forever remember Bridget

Not only her, but all the Bridget's out there; I will never live in total peace again:

Granddad was a nice old man; he died on Abe Lincoln’s birthday

He picked up a hitchhiker 15 minutes after kissing me good-bye

For his kindness, he received a bullet in the back of his head

They never caught who murdered him; I’ll never forget Granddad

Punctual equilibrium takes us ahead a few years to the state of Florida

With family, jaunting to a family setting; crashing steel, up flies motorcycle

Right in front of our vehicle, my eyes, they see a car hit this Hell’s Angel

The man goes flying like a missile, perhaps 100 feet like Evil Knievel

Dad summons the six of us boys to stay in vehicle; out he goes to the victim

A surgeon was my Father; he stayed with the man until the ambulance arrived

So young at the time, will never forget hearing Mother say “you saved him”

An act of kindness, one compelled to help another, still etched in my mind

Some 10 years later I’m coming home from college, 1000 mile drive

My jalopy, a 1968 Impala all the frat guys laughed at, I did not care

Sunday, 50 miles from Chicago, my car ignites a mental breakdown

No cell phones baby, time to hitch-hike and hope for the best

In the evening, late, not now a busy highway, up comes a big white Cadillac

Inside is one big, tallish black dude with sunglasses, he opens passenger door

He is still looking straight on, says nothing to me, my first thought; my life

Second thought was Granddad; I asked the stranger for a lift as far as Chi-town

Can’t mitigate the circumlocution, but the bottom line; I got in the man’s car

He never said one word; dropped me off at an exit a couple miles from home

An act of kindness from a man I judged by the cover of his book; a big mistake

Right there and then I told myself I will always help others; help others always

Lastly, before I impart the indelible manifestations of this sweet girl Bridget,

I take you to Puerto Vallarta, Mexico; a day cruise off the coast on a nearby island

A ditionary of sorts, within the beach, broke through, rapids force into Pacific ocean

And out of the tributary spurts a boat with a man and a woman flailing away……..

____________________________________________________________________________

Update:

Gerald: Thanks for your kind answer. Just gave you a thumbs up as well. I wish I could meet you in person. I bet you are a real piece of work. Regards, Thomas

Update 2:

Todd: great to see you again brother. This is an interesting suggestion, and my poem Anarchy 2016 was sort of like what you are suggesting. Will resource your link and definitely entertain your advice. Thank you so much.

Oldcomer: Welcome and thank you for your answer. You give a trenchant argument for vignettes, and that is something I probably have done without defining such, but with this story leading to Bridget's event, I do not know how to do it. Perhaps what I am doing is not even for poetry. I appreciate your answer.

__________________________________________________________________________

Update 3:

Oldcomer: duh me sir. Re-viewing your answer, you are 100% right, and the thing I need to work on is developing the flow of vignettes, and possibly dropping the other examples of good deeds, but that is the premise for the ending...still, maybe too much here. Thanks

_______________________________________________________________________________

Update 4:

Thank you all for the great answers to this point. So far Gerald has Best Answer, but it's really too close......lol

Please keep in mind this was a first draft, which many times works. Many of my prior poems where you see the end product, it may have looked like the above at first, seemingly not looking like a poem, redundant, et al. I decided to release this as a first draft to get help on variations of format and poetic style to get my story across, which is a very compelling one. I appreciate all answers, no matter what, even the ones I make not like. Everyone is different and that is okay with me. I now have a better idea of how to complete this, and will keep this open a couple more days depending on the response, which has been very good so far. Grace 2U and Happy Mothers Day to all the Mothers out there. Mom .>>>> I love you, you're the best, and enjoy your day. Thomas

______________________________________________________________________________

Update 5:

Am fixing to give out Best Answer here shortly. There will be a part two to this, but will bring back later and edit this poem.

If I were to judge Best Answer strictly by who got the most Thumbs Up....wow....Gerald, congratulations, 'you da man.' On the other hand, think about how ridiculous this TU/TD thing is and the folks that participate in order to 'one up' the other. Those that had to bully up some Thumbs up for Gerald and hammer some others, not because of their kind and apposite answers, but of their silly little game...shame on your foolishness. I like to encourage others and give a thumbs up when deserving, but Gerald's answer-----Lord, please give me restraint. So, in the spirit of giving, I am going to give Best Answer to one that deserves if cause of the good answer, and also cause they have to put up with some who clearly need some help. Just my opinion, as am American, am entitled to that much, though this is stacked against decent people,

Update 6:

so be it, the more TD's the merrier for me. Thanks, Thomas .

correction: bottom above 'as an American' the spilled blood for freedom, even for the few % or troublemakers, is their right also, we fought for it but take it lightly. The problem I see is democracy has been tarnished by Liberalism. Argue with me as much as you'd like, but the rights now of a small percentage are overly protected to the point it is dismantling our fabric before our very eyes. You think not, then think again. Still, I love you, and that is what the God of the universe wants of each one of us, to love one another, and try to get along better would be a nice thing.

______________________________________________________________________

15 Answers

Relevance
  • Best Answer

    Hi :)

    How wonderful .

    The read kept my

    attention ...

    as I was reading ,

    the anticipation

    was building .

    This does hold my interest to want more , I want more ,

    more is good ya know =)) I want a lot more ..

    I like what you've done here , I'm no poet , but it is

    interesting . Vignette / poetry ... I likey I likey :D

    →▔▋→▔▍→▔▎→▔▏→❤←▁▎←▁▍←▁▌←▁▋←

    →▁▋→▁▍→▁▎→▁▏→❤←▔▎←▔▍←▔▌←▔▋←

    →▔▋→▔▍→▔▎→▔▏→❤←▁▎←▁▍←▁▌←▁▋←

    →▁▋→▁▍→▁▎→▁▏→❤←▔▎←▔▍←▔▌←▔▋←

  • Anonymous
    6 years ago

    qwdefx

  • Lorry
    Lv 4
    7 years ago

    I am NOT an impatient person but am eager to hear the rest.. for it is obvious that there is more to be revealed.. as such i will withhold my opinion.. For how can anyone critique unfinished project? I have only to say that i found it very hard hitting right from "Granddad was" and i have a feeling i know where this is going because i am possibly reading too much "between" the lines.. (-:

    Well written (((Bri))) I shall await the rest happilly with baited breath.

    Ps.. i commend your reply to the responses you have had. It is a real man that can keep a civil tongue in his head when all about you are losing theirs (-:

  • 7 years ago

    Thomas, this doesn't sound like a poem at all. Too many descriptions make the read become redundant and prolongs the rising action, which can become a yawn. It is a lovely story but it is too much of a story to be a poem and partly poem, it seems like an oddly written story.

    It's lovely though :)

  • How do you think about the answers? You can sign in to vote the answer.
  • Andy P
    Lv 7
    7 years ago

    Hey Bri, so when are you going to write about the Girl?

    I am sure that is what is in everyone's head.

    As a marketing ploy you grabbed our attention, selling sex.

    But the bulk of the poem stands alone and needs no help.

    The stories you tailored together make a fine coat to wear and show off!

    You reveal great talent in most of this piece.

    Leave advertising on tv.

    You Sir, surely don't need it.

  • Nat
    Lv 7
    7 years ago

    You demonstrate here an integral talent for

    structuring stories in and interesting and

    engrossing way. You carry plot-lines

    professionally. I still sense a novelist,

    waiting for that "spark" that sets you going.

    Engrossing, very well done.

    * * * * * TCB

  • 7 years ago

    Those big jumps forward in time make it difficult for me to follow.

  • 7 years ago

    I see this as a series of vignettes, neither poem nor story, illustrating accidents good and bad. The good one being the lift from a stranger.

  • Anonymous
    7 years ago

    Thomas, to be honest with you and honest with myself not forgetting the rest of the guys who post on this site. I didn't see it as a poem. I read it as a short story, a good one but a short story.

    I am confused in thinking its a poem.

    Don't get me confused Tom, you wouldn't LIKE ME WHEN I'M CONFUSED TOM....lol

  • 7 years ago

    I see this as a series of 27 limericks, each separated by a 14 syllable rhyming couplet.

  • Todd
    Lv 7
    7 years ago

    My suggestion would be to redo this as a connected series of haibuns:

    Italicized poetic paragraph followed by a haiku that connects to the paragraph but expresses the essence of it. Rinse Repeat till finished.

    Just a thought, but I think that format might fit what you're doing here.

    There's more than wiki but here's a link: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Haibun

Still have questions? Get your answers by asking now.