This is a long story but I'm suicidal. Can someone please help me? I swear I'll answer yours!?

First, SORRY FOR THE LONG STORY and my English may be bad sometimes. I'm a a Dutch boy and I'm 15. And please don't answer with: "Get her out of your head" or something like that, ok? I can't.

I was born without a father, they had a fight and broke up. It went actually better 'till I was 3 years old. I remember my father back then, but that's the only thing... After that, it was a fight again and we didn't saw each other anymore. When I was 6/7 years old he was in a hospital because of too much alcohol and drugs. He basically wanted to kill me because he tried everything to send his bacteria to me. Used cups, forks, everything. We went to our home and he tried it again. I didn't gave him a hug when I saw him again, he wondered why... Then it went bad AGAIN, and we haven't seen him anymore for almost 10 years. We don't know if he's dead, we know nothing. His father (my grandpa) was the same as him. Alcohol, drugs, etc. It was all because my father's mother did commit suicide so can we blame them? I don't know... Well, after that, I always noticed I was treated unfairly. If someone did something 5 times, he got punished. If I did the same 1 time, I got ever more punished while the other did it 5 times. This is just an example. It happens all the time in my daily life. I have Tourette because of stress and I've never really felt love. I've never had an official girlfriend. I had one that I knew in real life, but I had to take the train to reach her. I saw her sometimes, but in the time she was my girlfriend I never saw her... I have acne and I'm using acne treatments and now it are scars. Lots scars on my face. In the secondary school, I was bullied 'cause my breath was smelly and because of my acne. The smelly breath is completely gone and the acne are now scars so I'm not getting bullied now. But because I've never felt any love, I'm pretty quiet when I'm with a girl. I just don't know what to do. There was a beautiful girl, extremely beautiful, it was just unbelievable to describe her beauty, you just get aggressive when you see it... and her personality is amazing. I knew her for 4 years on the internet. Last summer after those 4 years she came her because her family lives her. It was a good meeting but I was quiet. After that she fell in love with me (I was ******* surprised). She slept there and did sent me a text message saying she wanted to kiss me the next day and she wanted to be my girlfriend... I said it was ok... but I also said I love her but didn't want her to be my girlfriend 'cause I just saw her only 1 time. That was actually not the reason... I just was nervous. We couldn't see each other again and she had a new boyfriend because of that but they broke up 'cause he treated her badly and she said she loved me more. In that time I saw her 2 times more. But again, very quiet. And I always saw her when she was with family so it's pretty clear why I was quiet, right? 2 days ago, I slept there... without family, but this time, she was with a friend (it was a girl, no worries). So I was pretty quiet again. We kissed, but also kissed that friend 'cause we played truth or dare, it wasn't special... but that was my first kiss of all time, not with her, but with her friend! After that, I kissed her. The day after, I asked if she could be my girlfriend but she said no because I am always quiet. I cried and her mother drove me home. In the past, she said a lots of times she loved me, she never loved me, she loved me, she never loved me, etc. But that was because of fights we had. But the reason that I'm quiet with her was because she's always with family when I saw her and this time she was with a friend. That's the reason because I am always quiet, she has to meet me privately first! The second reason why I'm quiet with her is because of my past I explained. What can I do to explain these things to her, I'm pretty ashamed to tell her I've never had a girlfriend... We don't have contact but I WANT her, I NEED her in my life, she is perfect and I've never loved someone that much... Please don't say I have to get her out of my head and keep going, because I can't, ok? Sorry for the long story but I can tell some more... she was also bullied years ago, but now she made a comeback. She's now the most beautiful girl in history, I swear. And everybody that bullied her are quiet when they see her again. And we have good memories, very good mermories, even on the internet. We always talked, always. I was her most lovable person... sometimes I wonder that if we don't talk for a long time, she will miss me and will love me back more than ever?

9 Answers

  • 8 years ago

    You are not alone. I too have had a similar life. I come from a very bad family. I haven't spoken with my parents for years. I have no good memories of them. I have nearly no good childhood memories with of my family. I always sat alone at the lunch table at school. I was bullied because of the way I look. My siblings were into hard drugs. I know what you're going through kid. And the hurt doesn't go away. You may get numb to it, but it won't go away. I'm 29 now. I thought of committing suicide many times. But I haven't. And I won't either. I too have never had a girlfriend. Not even one. Never been in any serious relationship. And I'm 29!.

    You are only 15. Your whole life is ahead of you. Sure there will be more hurt and suffering in the future, but there will also be joy. I could not have predicted that after I turned 18, I would join the U.S. Navy and travel the world, see the ocean, go to college, meet people from other countries, have my own apartment and be on track to having a good job. But most of all, I could never have predicted that the woman I thought was my soul mate turned out not to be. And who's to say that 10 years from now you two won't be together? Maybe you meet at a high school reunion and get together? Maybe you meet someone else who's even better? You have no idea what the future has in store for you. And neither do I. What I can tell you is that if you keep dwelling on the past, then your future is all but certain. Only you can control we're your life will go from here. You have reasons to be happy, you just have to find the strength to see it.

    Remember one thing: some people are born into this world with only but a short ladder to climb. Some people are born into a world where their ladder is miles high. You may think you are not lucky, but in reality those who have an opportunity to show just how far up a ladder they can climb are the lucky ones, because those are the ones who have the most to be proud of. Those are the ones who truly get to have the only type of respect that matters in this world: self respect. You kid, are one of those people. Don't give up. A man who never quits, is a man who is never defeated.

    Source(s): Life.
  • Kate
    Lv 5
    8 years ago

    Well, for starters, you say you love this girl, but you hardly know her. you have only seen her in person a couple of times. Get to know her first. hang out with her more. it is too hard to tell who a person is from behind the screen.

    You have had a not so great childhood, and maybe you should seek help, get into therapy and talk about it. you need to work on a road to happiness, and getting help is the only way to do it. go to counseling, and keep busy.

    Back when I was feeling down, I had solutions to staying busy. If I were angry, i would take a long walk. if I were sad, a nap would help. try that. you cannot change your past, but you can help your future.

  • 8 years ago

    Alriiiight I finished readin ur story :) Your english is very good actually and just so you know i didnt come here for you to answer my questions so dont worry about that lol

    Anyway, Back to topic: You are a strong guy! To put up with what you have delt with in the past is incredible. But your hardships should never be the reason you collapse and fail! let it be a strength to make you strive for something better! >:) “Sometimes you must HURT in order to KNOW, FALL in order to GROW, LOSE in order to GAIN, because life’s greatest lessons are learned through PAIN.” If your shy then take the effort to talk a little more, express your thoughts in ways that words cannot explain, and keep trying! :D You must first work on improving yourself with anything that you dont like about yourself and conquering it with good things :) because how are you going to get into a relationship when your not confident in yourself? A relationship requires you to take care of not only you but your partner as well. & don't sweat it if you never had a girlfriend before, there's nothing to be ashamed about! I never really had a boyfriend neither but that's because I choose to and I'm proud to say I'm single ya know? If your embarrassed because your might be inexperience when it comes to kissing, dates, etc.. its all good just have confidence! As for this girl you are crushing on, I apologize but the whole relation seems fishy, she says she wants you but later says no its like a "Hot N Cold" song by Kate Perry lol Don't belive a girl is serious when she says "I love you" over any sort of network/text/message/etc and even more so if she just meets you in person. although you two met over the internet for years you never really know the person until you hangout with them in person and distinguish the fake from reality. Overall if you still want to see this girl just be cautious and dont fall for her so fast! be intelligent, she may be frustrated, let her know what is on your mind. Good Luck!

    P.S if you ever need to get over her the first couple steps is getting rid of anything that reminds you of her; text message, pictures, connection on facebook or any other lil things like that

    Source(s): Proud to be Single hahaa
  • Anonymous
    8 years ago

    I think the best thing you can do is stop being quiet about it don't be reserved let it all out it's sucks and it will suck worse if she doesn't respond well, but i think she will that's all girls really want. Tell her how you feel about her tell her that you love her but don't be aggressive about it. Then what you want to do at the end is say something like 'I care for you a lot and if space is what you need i will do that for you cause i will do anything for you but whenever you need me i will be here eagerly waiting' but it needs to be from you cause all they really want to know is that you care about her and you want to be there for her no matter what that means.

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  • 8 years ago

    Give her space and if she does like you she WILL come back and then the real work begins. If she doesn' have no choice but to move on. Killing yourself won't make her wish she hadn't left you'll simply make her think of you as something to pity. It may ruin her life and if that's what you want...well, that's not love, but it will never make her think she should've stayed with you. No girl wants to be with someone they feel sorry for. So, read, play spades, develop a hobby, cry, do whatever...but you have to find a way to let her miss you. While she's doing that you need to find ways to work on yourself and your self esteem. It's very tough and i'm going through hell right now with a girl I love who I can't get off of my mind. She haunts my every thought...but in the end we cannot control the emotions of other people and we have to find a way not to let them control ours

    Source(s): experience
  • 8 years ago

    Ok, so you like the girl but you are afraid to talk to her.

    If you really like her you need to be brave and pull her aside tell her you need to talk with her privately or ask to take a walk with her.

    Then don't waste time with bs nice conversations just get to the point and open your heart to her.

    Hopefully all goes well.

    Also pray to God about this.

    Don't worry about your past because you can build a bright future, and be stronger because of it.

    God Bless


  • 8 years ago

    I understand completely, I was like this for a long time. But Buddy, If you really Loved her you'd pull her aside and say I really LOVE you. I don't want to see my life without you.. I don't know what to do if she says no, but This is what I did and I came off the path of all these things.

    Source(s): My life
  • 8 years ago

    You HAVE to tell her of your past or she won't know, you have to. Don't be ashamed of your past, just tell her. If she is the most beautiful girl in history hen you should be able to tell her and she should be able to accept.

  • Anonymous
    8 years ago

    tell her every single thing you wrote on here! you were scarred when you were little & she needs to know the truth! get out of your shell and tell her! girls love confidence you have to do it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

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