Any feedback for my story?

Evangelia sat in the ashes of her home, the fires raging around her, not daring to touch her. She clenched her fists by her sides as she bowed her head, forcing the flames to dance higher. She urged them to be hotter, larger, she wanted everyone to feel the pain she felt.

Evangelia jolted up, sweat beading down her forehead. She exhaled, grateful to escape the prison of her dreams. Every night the dreams haunted her, they tortured her, forcing her to see a very possible fate. She had watched this happen to people like her. Watched the magic overwhelm them, consume them, drag them from the sane parts of their minds. Evangelia could not let this happen to her. She would not be overwhelmed by her magic.

Evangelina's shoes hit the dirt path with a thud, her hair whipping past her. She was being chased, always chased. Slipping into the thick forest, and ducking behind a bush, she reached out her hand and whispered under her breath, causing her footprints to disappear beneath a pile of fallen leaves. She could hear the shouting in the distance. They wanted to kill her, burn her, make her pay for the crime. How could someone blame her for being herself? That was the problem with Albion, its king claimed that they were all for justice, where was the justice now? What had she ever done to them other than be herself? Nothing. They were all monsters, their souls were laced with a seed of hate that had been planted since day one. Their hearts held nothing but fear of her kind, of what she was.

Signing, Evangalia looked around herself. The forest was a place where Evangelia could be herself, where she could use magic without fear of being caught. Where she wasn't a freak. The magic had recently exposed itself within her, from a family of normal woodcutters she was the black sheep, if only they knew how true that was. She closed her eyes, taking in the smell of the pine, the sounds of the rushing water, the feel of the wind gliding through her hair. With a deep breath she held out her hands to the valley of lilies before her, with a small smile she opened up he magic to the outside. Evengelia watched as the delicate flowers weaved together, forming into a red rose. Reaching out her hand she plucked it from its place. Blood dripped from where she touched the rose, pricked by a single thorn. Shivering, Evangelia crushed the flower in her hands, this was too dangerous. She knew of the pain that it brought.

Looking up Evangelia tilted her head, she could sense something dark, it was angry, vicious, and it wanted power. She heard the crackling of fire, the smell of ashes reached her nose as she jerked upwards, sprinting to her village.

Houses were in flames, the fires danced around the village, locking the town in, and her out. She watched as the man stood in the middle of the fire, a gleeful smile creeping up his scarred face, and a crazed cackle bubbling up inside of him. Evangelia stared at the chaos, she could not stop it, even if she had the courage to she did not have the power. She couldn't even go to Camelot for help, she would have to cross the whole of Albion. The flames soon died down, leaving none that had been in the village alive.

Two years later she stood in Camelot, looking around the city in awe. The town bustled with life,she wouldn't stand out here. Throwing her pack into the small hut, she knelt by the small pit and with a small whisper she lit a fire. Nodding in approval she smiled sadly, she couldn't bring herself to part with the magic that brought her to life, the one the started a fire deep within herself. The one thing that truly defined her. Every year her magic grew more powerful, she could feel the energy flooding inside her, begging to be let free, and one day she would not be able to hold it in. One day her magic would run free.

This is an application to be a Mage on a RP website (don't judge) it needs to exclude how they became a Mage, a little about their past, and some traits that define them...it also needs to be really good...so feedback please! How can I improve it? Thanks

2 Answers

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  • 7 years ago
    Favorite Answer

    I love to read fantasy novel, books and stories, however I am not an author nor do i really have any formal training in creative writing other than that required in high school 25 years ago. First i am assuming the there are some typos and and hopefully mentally correcting them the way you really intended. Second I think there is some really good potential here.

    The first 2 paragraphs are choppy meaning that they are somewhat confusing, I am assuming that the first paragraph is a dream and dreams can be that way but usually the following paragraph gives a little more substance to the dream or meaning. In your case this could be very relevant to your story as it helps establish how your character recognized the magic within themselves and some of the struggles associated with the new discovery, for example denial because of societies rejection of magic users, then acceptance and embracing it. You touch on your character embracing it at the end of paragraph 3 and in 4 to include societies rejection thus the need to include some of her denial because it is human nature to deny that you are something that the society you were raised in rejects, quick acceptance is ok but there will, none the less be some small amount of denial. I would also give some more insite to the fires and the darkness that you sence when in the forest using your magic and some insite to your fears. I am also assuming that your arrivial in camelot is you need for an application to become a mage and thus further enhance you magic and learn to better control it. That being said you ending is good. Lots of potential. Good Luck

  • guyer
    Lv 4
    4 years ago

    I are not able to conclude it all correct now, however it's rly (and i am being utterly honest) fascinating so i am gonna read the rest later and then remark more if this question's nonetheless here... Yeah, the tenses need to be modified, and the descriptions are just right, but you have not described Molly and Emily's mothers and fathers so much; additionally, you might have plenty of sentences with one adjective describing every word before the phrase, so i might add slightly of type with that. In any other case as of now i love it :)

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