How can I improve my writing for this example?

It’s been three days. Three days since Iris' transformation into one of them. They are strange creatures, that are in a way like Sirens. But they call themselves Mír. They are graceful, and decorated with detailed and beautiful black designs on their bodies. The lacy patterns change into webbing on their hands and feet, so they are able to swim fast and stealthily. Though fascinating, they are very deceptive and evil minded. They often leave their waters, and walk among the humans. You wouldn’t be able to tell them apart. They lie to the humans, telling them they can have anything they want. Anything they could imagine would be theirs. They use their elusive charm, and deceive them into trusting them. They lure them, and tell them that they just need to step into the water. Just go in, and whatever they wanted would be theirs. Once they go in, they get dragged down by the Mír, and transformed into one of them. They are taken as prisoners, or slaves.

Iris was now one of these creatures. She had been naive, and tricked by a cunning Mír named Rivaen. Rivaen portrayed an innocent girl, just like her, and promised that her family would no longer be starving. The promises were enough that Iris couldn’t imagine that Rivaen would do anything to harm her. Now she realized that she was wrong. For the past three days, she had been kept in a secluded, dark room. It was more like a cage. She knew that there were other there, in separate rooms. The wails and screeches at night, were lonely and full of sorrow. She wondered what would happen to her. Would she be in this room, miles under the sea, all her life? Could she somehow escape? Would she ever become human again? These questions haunted her mercilessly, as she waited. Waited for something to happen, anything. A chance to flee, and never look back. There must be a way.

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This is just the beginning of chapter one. I have written the prologue, describing Iris's transformation to a Mir, but I want opinions on this portion of text.

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What ways can I improve? Are there any changes that should be made?

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Thank you!

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2 Answers

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  • Maya
    Lv 6
    7 years ago
    Favorite Answer

    This could be much improved by showing instead of telling. You have a random narrator telling us about a character, but she's just passive, with no life. It's not a good idea to open with a character

    just sitting around thinking.

    It would be a good idea to go to a bookstore and the section of whatever genre your story is, and browse the opening pages of a dozen or so books to see how the authors started their stories.

  • 7 years ago

    I honestly think this is amazing. I'm only a kid, but I would read this! I'm writing a book as well, and this is what I hope my book turns out to be like.

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