Avery asked in Arts & HumanitiesPoetry · 8 years ago

Can I have your honest opinion please?

Can I please have your honest opinion on my poem? I edited it and I just need some feedback. Thanks! (:

Maybe I'm the problem:

Words spit out

Minds buzzing

Hearts drumming

Another fight has ensued

Can't you think of me

But why would you?

Both worn out

At the end of their rope

Just cut it and leave

While I'm there alone

Eyes glistening

Just on verge of tears

Do you like to see the pain?

And play with all my fears?

I knew it wouldn't last

Sometimes you've got to put behind the past

Maybe another day

All of this will fade away

For now the problem will stay

I've realized there's nothing I can do

The one cared about is you

It's always a big mistake

I'm always in the way

Always the center of the blame

Maybe I'm the problem

Update:

Oakwolf: No, I didn't mean for it to come off whiny. The poem is about personal things which is why a lot of me's come in there. Thank you for pointing that out! I'm not sure how to fix that though? (:

5 Answers

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  • 8 years ago
    Favorite Answer

    Please don't post any more of this @#$%

  • 8 years ago

    Not a bad poem, but since you ask for honesty, the narrator comes off as whiny. Lots of "why isn't everything about ME?" is what I read here. I think the last line hits on truth, but I don't think you meant it to be read that way, did you?

    To your AD: Let's see if I can edit out the "whiny" I hear in it without ruining it for you. Take it or leave it, as you wish. :)

    Maybe I'm the problem:

    Words spit out

    Minds buzzing

    Hearts drumming

    Another fight has ensued

    You always thinking

    about you.

    Both worn out

    At the end of our rope

    Just cut it and leave,

    I'll catch myself.

    Eyes glistening

    Just on verge of tears

    Do you like to see the pain?

    You can't play with my fears.

    Maybe another day

    All of this will fade away

    For now the problem will stay.

    There's nothing I can do,

    The one cared about is you.

    It's always a big mistake

    I'm always in the way

    Always the center of the blame

    I am not the problem.

  • 8 years ago

    Personally i love your poem. Why? Because it leaves the reader to think about the problem to think about the story behind the words. Obvious poems seem to come off abit annoying and borning.

    BUT i do have some critics :)

    Try disquising your self with something else. "Im I Me" NO...Maybe try another pronoun or object.

    good luck! The last stanza should leave the reader wondering

    try this maybe?

    The obviouse mistake seems to point forward

    The ropes ridgid surface is always in the way

    The Knife cuts dull stabbing the problems core

    But i can feel its puncture...its wound

    Does this mean I play apart?

  • Jojo
    Lv 4
    8 years ago

    I like it. I wouldn't say whiny necessarily, but when people get in fights, it usually is all "me, me, me", so it works. In the second stanza, shouldn't it be "at the end of our rope" since you use "me" ?

    & a suggestion for the last stanza (just an idea)

    Its nothing but a big mistake

    I'm always getting in your way

    The bitten center of the blame

    Maybe I'm the problem

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  • 8 years ago

    I like you poem

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