Is this ok in a social setting? Or not?
(We're both adults.)
I've been seeing someone for 2 years now. We were friends in a hobby club for a few years first before we started dating and within the last 8 months it's become serious. (I don't go to the club's regular weekly meetings any more but he still does.)
The club also hosts monthly events we both attend but because people there can be very gossipy and nosy, we've kept our relationship to ourselves. So while at the club event, we're friendly and hang out, but don't make it obvious we're a couple.
Last week, 2 of the women were out of line (in my opinion) in how they behaved with him-- one jumping on his lap and wrapping her arms around him, another barging in to our conversation and literally dragging him away. That kind of thing-- very presumptuous and aggressive.
I know he's not interested in them, but I don't know if he's made them aware he's "seeing some one" or not, so maybe they assume he's single.
He says he's just having fun, they're friends, it's no big deal. And he says he can't help what other people do.
But now I'm wondering if he encourages this type of behavior by being flirty and overly-friendly with them at the club meetings. Is he leading them on, or are they just a couple of skanky broads?
Is anyone at fault or wrong? Is that kind of behavior normal for women over 40-- jumping on a man's lap? Should I be concerned? Can he do anything different to tone them down?
I'm really not sure how to take it.
- AntstLv 78 years agoFavorite Answer
The thing is, your boyfriend is responsible for drawing boundaries to define how people should treat him. I don't know how experienced he is with social interactions, but most people are able to shut down unwanted flirting without being rude. It is usually easy to give off "I'm-your-friend-but-don't-flirt" vibes.
So if these women are crossing a line, it is because he is allowing it.
That said, it is almost impossible to say whether these women are really being inappropriate. They haven't done anything REALLY crass, right? Otherwise you would have said something, like "Lisa had to be persuaded to put her underwear back on."
So it sounds like this is one of those situations where everyone's behavior is borderline. Someone who is friends with them (like your boyfriend) might see things as friendly. The girlfriend (you) might feel like things are inappropriate. The women might be flirting, but might or might not be serious about it.
I know this is not the answer you want, but you can't control your boyfriend. And if you do freak out at him, all that will accomplish is to teach him to be inappropriate in private. I think you need to consider carefully whether your boyfriend has the kind of character you are comfortable with. Can you trust him or not? If you can't trust him, that will be a tough thing to acknowledge, but you shouldn't be dating him.
You shouldn't tell people that you're dating JUST to get these women away from him... Like I said, if he can't be trusted, then you shouldn't be with him. But maybe you should tell people because that makes your relationship official and less confusing. If he doesn't want to go "official" and public about it, I would think about what that means. Good luck.
- suedeenimLv 68 years ago
"[I'm] just having fun, they're friends, it's no big deal. And [I] can't help what other people do."
That one sentence right there is all I really needed to read. It would be a huge red flag to me. They probably are just friends, but clearly at least one of them wants to be more, and she's telling him that as clearly as she can without saying it flat out. The fact that he's not at all bothered or annoyed by women jumping on his lap and flirting with him when he's got a girlfriend tells me a lot about your boyfriend, and it's not nice. All the more so since he let it happen in front of you (secret or no secret). Don't tell me a man can't stop a woman sitting in his lap if he doesn't want her to. He likes the flirting and doesn't want to stop. Now you decide what to do about it.
Are they skanky? Yes. Is he leading them on? Yes, if only by being obviously receptive to their behavior instead of putting a stop to it.
Is it normal for a woman over 40 to jump on a man's lap? Sure, but only if she's overtly flirting and doesn't care who knows it. It's a pretty trashy thing to do in public, and there's not really any other interpretation to put on it despite his protestations.
Can he do anything to tone them down? Assuming he wants to, of course he can do plenty. Just the same as you could if you were receiving unwanted attention from a man.