what do you think of this poem I wrote?

Essence

Sweetness.

Sensuality.

Seduction.

Her scent pierced his soul,

like fire to ice.

Her eyes shined through darkness,

like the gentle starlight of the night.

He observed her.

From the windows to his dreams,

to the nightmares of her spirit.

What she saw,

was only the beginning,

to the end.

Time froze.

The fruit fell.

The windows broke.

But it wasn't his fault.

He couldn't tolerate it.

He craved for a closer view.

But that's all it took.

The basket of plums,

were at her side.

His face nestled in the curve of her neck,

as he strived to preserve her essence.

But it was only seconds until,

all was lost.

She turned around,

with fright, horror, and confusion on her face.

Her screams retracted him back to reality.

He didn't intend to hurt her.

The grasp of his hand upon her lips,

pushing her farther and farther from existence.

Stillness.

Failure.

Lust.

Lost.

- Gabrielle Rubenstein

If you have any critique, please list it! I'd love to hear some feedback!

3 Answers

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  • Terry
    Lv 5
    8 years ago

    Seem like a bunch of unrelated poetic prose all pulled together for no apparent reason. "the grasp of his hand upon her lips"? What does that even mean? I think you could've written that entire poem in 4 lines. The brush strokes of poetry are not just awesome words or phrases. They have to emanate a cohesive feeling about something. Each brush stroke is a layering of the feelings or emotions until at the end all the brush strokes create a beautiful painting. In your painting I can't tell if the guy is stalking the girl, raping the girl, killing the girl, or maybe just stealing her plums. Anyway, I apologize for sounding cruel, but love is really been written about too much. Write about other human emotions or characteristics like jealousy or suspicion or loyalty or fear. Love? bleck...

  • Anonymous
    8 years ago

    Sorry but that kind of relates to several Robert frost poems all tied together. But it's definitely beautiful.

  • Anonymous
    8 years ago

    That sounds great! The line breaks are especially nice.

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