Anonymous
Anonymous asked in Arts & HumanitiesBooks & Authors · 8 years ago

Can Anybody Review My Story?

Can you plz review my story and tell me what you think?

Thnx :3

Link: http://www.quotev.com/story/3022995/

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  • 8 years ago
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    To be honest, I read the first page and it's not great. That's fine, though - I've got plenty of critique which, I hope, should help you out:

    - Try not to open a story with the character being "bored out of their mind". You're trying to convince the reader that this is a story worth reading.

    - There are a lot of basic punctuation errors that really need working on. Basically, you constantly forget to put a space after a full-stop or a comma.

    - In the first paragraph, you have an awkward time-jump - from being in class to remembering a sleepover. Don't do this at the beginning of the story. Remember that the reader is already trying to wrap their head around the scene - you don't want to throw them from setting to setting too soon.

    - Don't say "my two best friends, <name> and <name>". It's clunky and expositional, and just low-quality writing. Hint to the reader that these girls are the narrator's best friends. Let the reader work it out. By doing that, you bring them *into* the story by forcing them to think about it - rather than telling them every little thing and, therefore, making them unable to become involved in the plot.

    - You say that the narrator's mother was sleeping at someone else's house because she broke her arm.

    Erm - as someone who has broken their arm, I'm a little confused here. There's absolutely no reason why you can't take care of yourself with a broken arm. I managed just fine.

    - On this note, you say "she broke her arm". This is really colloquial - that is, you would say it, but you can't really write it, unless you're going for a certain tone (and it doesn't seem like you are, because this line stood out). You need to write it out properly: "she had broken her arm". Even here, "she" is indefinite - did the mother break her arm, or the aunt?

    - You don't write dialogue correctly.

    Look at your second paragraph, for example. It has the following errors:

    1) "Ms Song" should be "Miss Song". "Ms" is a term for an unmarried adult woman; "Miss" is a young woman.

    2) You don't use the correct punctuation. (Punctuation seems to be a weakness of yours - perhaps this site will help: http://listverse.com/2007/10/12/top-10-rules-of-pu... )

    3) Whenever a new character speaks, they need a new line.

    4) Some of the dialogue didn't make sense - you said "graduate", meaning advance from high school, and then tagged on "and go to the 11th grade". It doesn't make sense.

    5) Your adult isn't behaving like an adult. I mean, she's suddenly shouted at a student for daydreaming, then stormed off in a strop. She's behaving like a kid. (Now, I get that teachers can throw tantrums - but to do it so early in the story just seems exaggerated and comical. For now, keep it realistic. She can go off her **** later - sure - but right now you need to prove to the reader that you can write a realistic adult character.)

    Basically, it should be written out like this:

    "Miss Song."

    Ugh ... that voice. I stared up at Ms. Lopez. "Um, yes, Ms Lopez?"

    "Do you want to make it to the 11th grade?"

    "Yeah," I answered, nervously biting my lip.

    "Then don't daydream in class. Okay?"

    - Your tense changes soon after this exchange: "when is class over?" Until now, you've been writing in past tense.

    - There is nothing, so far, likeable about your main character. She just seems apathetic, lazy and cliche. If that's what you're going for (and it could well be) then that's okay, but you need to hint to the reader that they won't be stuck with a misery-guts for the whole story. Otherwise they'll do what I did, and abandon ship early on.

    - Your teacher wouldn't repeat the question - you realise that this isn't actually legal, right? I mean, a few friends of mine at university are studying Education, so I know some of the basics. A student is completely within their rights to ask for a teacher to repeat the question - it doesn't warrant a call home. Not paying attention - sure. But not asking the teacher to repeat the question.

    - "Please note the sarcasm". Cut this. It does no credit to your character's personality, and it's not needed. The italics hinted the sarcasm.

    So like I said, I'm not wild about this. I think it needs a lot of work, particularly in the areas of basic grammar (particularly in regard to punctuation and dialogue structure) and characterisation.

  • Anonymous
    8 years ago

    You're on Quotev too! Oh my gosh! I hardly find anyone from there!

    I'll go read it, and send you a comment! I'm " Unstable Lena Here "

  • 8 years ago

    Yeah, I am sure I'm capable of reviewing your story.

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