Suicidal and socially messed up.... Any ideas what I've got?
My mother hates me. That is a fact. She pretends to be a caring mother who worries about her daughter when people are around but when they leave the facade leaves with them also.
I've been bullied as long as I can remember. I'm pretty much the personification of "social outcast". Even my supposed "friends" either backstab me or be completely oblivious to my existence.
When I came out as bi to a friend, they wasted no time telling everyone, which obviously lead to worse bullying. Once that calmed, I started dating a nice girl and when another friend spread that around, she dumped me and joined the side of the bullies.
It was pretty much like that for a while, it got to the point where I was petrified of walking to the end of the street, let alone face school. Then that died down also. This was when everyone started forgetting me, and I became invisible to their faces, but extremely visible to gossip.
A few weeks ago, I went to a party with a good friend (who's only just started forgetting me), and I was very nearly raped. The only reason he stopped was because he heard my friend walking over to us.
A week later I started dating a lad my friend was mates with. He'd also helped me out about the week before.... Then I found out he'd been sleeping around.
I cut, smoke, take painkillers, drink whenever possible (very rarely all in one day, smoking tends to stop me doing any of the others). I'm always thinking of suicide. I can't trust anyone. I've been seeing a counsellor in school and one out of school for three years. As you can probably tell, they are no help. I tend to not bother speaking to people unless I absolutely have to, because I don't want to be hurt again. I tend to have conversations with people I make up in my head to talk myself down from doing stuff (I don't hear voices, I make them up, though sometimes I do hear a voice say a single word to me when nobody's there). I'm down all the time. I'm constantly paranoid, tense and anxious, and always feel like someone's following or watching me, or talking about me, I'm constantly on edge. Nothing looks or seems real anymore, like it's all one massive nightmare. My mind is always fuzzy or numb. I always feel everyone is lying to me or are conspiring against me behind my back. It's a constant cycle of anxiety, numbness and anger, and I'm fed up of people in general. I'm constantly drained of energy, it is impossible to concentrate. For example, I used to be a great reader. Now it takes me forever just to focus on one word. I want to run away from everyone and everything really bad. I have a mental timetable and I panic more than usual when I feel it's been broken.I can't go to sleep within a two-hour period, so I usually don't go to sleep until a stupid time, and I can't get up in the mornings, and I'm overly hyper at times. I always think of suicide and death.
Despite all this and wanting it all to go away, I'm still scared of what it'd be like if I didn't feel like this, because I've been like this since I was twelve.
Please, can someone help me find out what I've got and how to deal with it?? As I've already mentioned, counsellors don't work, so anything else?? Please help me....