Living together before marriage - thoughts?
I've been with my boyfriend now for a little over 2-years. We've been in long distance for a while, but that can soon come to an end because I'm finishing school and I have the chance to relocate to where he is. We are both in our mid-20s. The plan has always been that I would move in with him. I feel like I've invested a lot into the relationship. He has always been resentful of me not moving in with him when he wanted. He said he wanted it on his terms, but now it seems ok.
I've already moved some of my stuff into his place, but I'm just not feeling us moving forward as a team at all. There is no talk of engagement, and he just says that I'll get a ring eventually, but he doesn't understand what the rush is. He also is weird about his friends, like he says that they are "his" friends, and he doesn't want me speaking to them unless he's present. I know this is a given in long distance, but there have also been a lot of secrets mostly on his end. I've caught him messaging women on match, planning trips I never knew about, and just hiding a lot of information from me. I told him that I need him to be open with me and inspire in trust in me, and I need him to do his part to make it work. He says that if I behave in that way I have every right to leave because apparently I'm not happy, and he feels like he has done a lot for me, and if that's not good enough then I can leave. Then he starts packing up all my stuff and says we can go to the airport right now. I know this is just a threat because he never actually takes me there. I guess I'm just not sure what to do if I don't stay with him, I feel it's the safe choice.
Thoughts on living together before marriage?
- 8 years agoFavorite Answer
Its fine. as long as most of your problems are solved before making a commitment to being under the same roof. don't rush because he says so. he sounds like he doesnt have everything figured out yet and make sure he doesnt half-*** your relationship. he should take marriage very seriously. Its not something that you can be like," oh yeah..ill get you a ring later... chillax!" make sure you are happy with your choice. remember. your happiness counts alot. dont feel bad for him or feel obligated to satisfy him by reaching his needs. you have needs to that he needs to aknowlege. And it seems very pishy that he is packing your bags. Dont listen. He's acting immature with such rational decisions. I moved in with my husband before we got married after 3 years. and we still had things to work out because it was too soon. So be wise. He shouldnt be that way with you. He sounds like he still doesnt know what he wants even though he's jumping into rings and stuff. but you want a guy who knows whats best for you both and who can be wise on his decision. :)
ps. He sounds very manipulative btw about with his friends. he shouldnt put you on a boarder like that and be anal about it. if he trusts you and loves you. that should be the least of his worries.
- Living the DreamLv 78 years ago
Old research used to say that living together before marriage raises your odds of being divorced. Current research says living together before marriage, and a hard and fast intent on marriage in the near future (1-2 years) doesn't affect a couple's divorce rate at all; living together before marriage with NO marriage plans increases your odds by about 30%.
He's not ready to commit; you're ready to commit all the way. Unless you can have a frank discussion together about your future, and about some ground rules for living together (he has a Match account????? completely inappropriate, even if all he does is look), and you can come to an agreement, this relationship is doomed. I doubt talking to him will do anything at all, from the sounds of it. Save your heart some trouble and next time you visit, take all your belingings with you.
- SteveLv 68 years ago
This does not sound like a very healthy relationship. This your first?
Sounds like you two do not like each other all that much. Already resentment and ultimatums in the mix and you have not even starting cohabiting yet!! That's when the real resentment will begin!
Think it is kind of doomed if you ask me.
But who the heck am I.
Live your life, see what happen
JUST DO NOT GET PREGNANT!!!
And save some money for the trip home.
- JulieLv 78 years ago
If he has so many secrets, not sure what he wants to do I think you should not move in with him. This would not be a safe choice for you to move in, if he had an interest in marriage then plans would have been made to have a wedding when you finished school.
Personally I think he wants to end the relationship and just does not want to speak up.
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- AprilLv 78 years ago
There is way to much drama with this guy. I wouldn't marry him or even live with him. You deserve better. You want an equal partner who is honest & respects you & can communicate his feelings properly. It looks to me like you already know that this relationship isn't good, or you wouldn't have asked the question. I believe you're afraid of starting over with someone new. From the way this sounds, I think you'd be better off starting with someone new though. He sounds selfish, demanding & untrustworthy.
- 8 years ago
Don't recommend it. When you are married it seems you are more willing to work out problems.
Until then it seems like this guy is unstable you should hold off on it. He seems immature as well.
When I knew I wanted my wife it took me 2 months to figure it out. This was after a year of ling distance relationship while we were in college.Source(s): 7yrs marriage
- 8 years ago
I would never even consider marrying a guy whom I never lived with. Until you live with a man you don't really know him. It's a lot different seeing someone for 3 hours a night than being their full time gf.
- AshleyLv 58 years ago
my boyfriend got tricked by his ex and she got pregnant so he thought the right thing to do was live together andd get married all at once...of course he couldnt stay with her he was so unhappy that he divorced her and left but i sstill there for the kid but they rushed into it
so in ur case i thiink u should try spending some nights at his house, live together part time,,still have a place for ur own, so if it doesnt work out u are not just out on the street. he sounds kind of rude and if i was u i wouldnt feel comofrtable living with him and no back up plan
i have 2 kids with my bf, we have been togethr for 4 years, i still live with my parents and he lives with his aunt..he lives close to me..but he doesnt talk about living with me at all,lately like twice he says he has plans someday to marry me but i feel he wont marry me, he talks about helping me get my own apartment so he can have his own key, come anytime he wants, leave some of his things there, and be the dad he wants to be to our kids because he doesnt feel right doing anything cause my parents complain about if we are loud and laughing with our kids so he talks about someday if i do move out he will help me, or he will pay everything and have a key, so its like we would live together part time.
but i think u should live with someone before u get married just so u know how they are, how they live,,u can see what bugs u, and so u feel comforatble with things so if it doesnt work u dnt have to go through stress of divorce.
but if u live together first u should talk to him and talk about marriage like say u will live with him if u guys will get amrried someday,,say maybe u can live together but if theres no ring in a year or two then u will be moved out
sometimes u guys may feel comforatble where the relationship is at and dnt feel like u need to take the next step because u are happy how things are, so they may not step up and marry u, they may say we live together, been together for over 2 years it already feels like we are married
so just talk to him about it
but if he is hiding stuff and keeping secrets then i wouldnt live with him, but if u do just have a back up place so u have somewhere to go
- GrimfellowLv 68 years ago
Oddly controlling. Bail out now.
- 8 years ago
if he is messaging other women he never met before and who are not his family or workmates, it is time to go!
you dont need to know more than that!Source(s): being a man for 37,5 years!