Tom asked in Social SciencePsychology · 7 years ago

Why can't I get my ex off of my mind?

I was dating a girl that I was absolutely in LOVE with. We had known each other for about two months before we started dating, but I should also mention that every chance we got to hang out since that day we met we did. Literally every chance we got. We started dating after a night when she was acting very depressed at a buddy's house for a campfire. The entire night we did nothing but sit by ourselves up in a treehouse and talk, and talk, and talk some more. We got to know each other exceptionally well over the two months we had known each other so just sitting there talking for hours wasn't much of a stretch for us. I had feelings for her long before this particular night but this was the first time she showed she had feelings for me as well and the first time I really showed her I had feelings for her. I had asked her out the next day and she said yes (obviously). We got along exceptionally for 3 1/2 months then she called me and sounded super upset about something. She finally spilled that somebody was making up rumors that I had gotten her pregnant which very much bothered her because everybody had called her a slut, whore, *****, and so on and so forth her entire life, and it made it worse because we had literally had NO sexual contact at all. Hard to believe considering I was a 21 year old guy dating a class-A hottie, I know, but I didn't look at her as a piece of meat, she was my girlfriend that I was absolutely in love with and that I would do anything for. We ended up breaking up for awhile to let the rumors and gossip simmer down a bit. Something happened, that I don't feel I should disclose here, that kept us from contacting each other for a couple of months. When we finally re-established contact she acted like she couldn't care less about me, although I could tell she did and I definitely still cared about her. The problem with this though is that she had a new boyfriend, or rather, a new old boyfriend. We've only seen each other once since the breakup but that was a LONG while ago, I haven't talked to her in a good 6 months because I lost her number thanks to breaking my phone and I had to get a new number, also thanks to breaking my phone. Next month it's going to be one year since our breakup and literally everyday I think about her and how much I wish I could be with her. I know it sounds like I'm crazy and obsessed but I have honestly tried everything to get her off my mind, I've even dated a few girls since then but those relationships ended with the girls telling me that they just don't have feelings for me. I just CAN'T forget my ex. She is the first person I've had this problem with and my friends are little to no help at all, they all tell me I should get her back because we were perfect for each other, as you can imagine, that is NO help at all. I do still love her but I'm trying my damndest to move on and I keep running into the wall of memories with her. I feel as though this isn't a problem that I can fix. Any help or suggestions on this matter would be greatly appreciated.

Update:

Update: She called me tonight (2/15), we talked for an hour and then I had to go because I was going in to a job interview. She didn't want me to go and we had been talking for an hour. And another thing, she had to call me restricted because she can only talk to me behind her boyfriends back and didn't want me accidentally calling her or texting her. We talked like we had never stopped talking. As you can well imagine, I am now very confused.

Update 2:

Date is wrong in last update, it was Valentines Day, the 14th

3 Answers

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    You suffer from 'Obsessive Love'. You believe the myth that out of 7 billion people on Earth that she is the only one who can give you what you need. And, the fact that you can't have her makes you want her even more. It is very difficult to talk yourself out of your feelings but you have got to try. You have to stop romanticizing your feelings for this girl and see them for what they are; a mental disorder. Furthermore, there is nothing that makes a man LESS attractive to the woman he is pining for then the behaviors you can't help but display when you are unequally enamoured with a woman.

    Jealousy, insecurity, neediness, desparation, and klinginess are the most unattractive traits you can show a woman. They all communicate the subconscious message that she is way more than you deserve to have. Woman are categorically most attracted to the men that send them the subconscious message that they can be easily replaced. Unfortunately, this is not something that can be faked. Women are far more intuitive than we are and can pick up on the most subtle ques that we give off. Therefore, you must first make yourself believe that she can be easily replaced. Furthermore, you must make yourself believe that you can never be the most attractive man you are capable of being while in her presence. Regardless of whether or not your ultimate goal is to have her back or to put her behind you, your course of action MUST be the same. You must get over her and put all of your energy into becoming the most attractive man that you are capable of being. Go to the gym, get a tan, immerse yourself in the pursuit of the most lofty professional goals that you can possibly achieve, find a new and appealing hobby or sport, put together the boldest and most sylish wardrobe you can afford (women are more attracted to men that LOOK good than they are to good-looking men, whereas we are most attracted to the best looking women regarless of the presentation or lack thereof). In regards to her, you need to stay away from her and initiate no communication with her. If she approaches you, or calls you, that is GOOD. Be polite, and seem happy to hear from her, but communicate the SUB-conscious message that you are a busy person and have a limited amount of time to give. Be subtle. If she asks if your busy, or if you have time to do something with her, you only need to give a second of hesitation before agreeing in order for her to get the message. The best thing would be to make her change her plans to accomodate your new and extremely busy life.

    If you do these things for the right reason (because you love youself most of all) you will simultaneously become more attaractive to her (and every other woman in the world), and you will gain the feeling of self-worth to realize that maybe you can do better than her; maybe you can more fully enjoy the pleasures of life without her; maybe she was holding you back. All of these things are true.

    You must send every woman that comes into your life the message that you love YOURSELF most of all. It sounds selfish but this is what you must do to make the woman think that she is getting the best part of the deal.

    Some of these views of male/female relationships may seem politically incorrect at best but you must remember that although views of sexual equality have changed, we still have the same DNA that the cavemen had, and women are still hardwired to be attracted to the dominant alpha males that are best equipped to provide a secure nest for them to raise children.

    Good Luck

  • 7 years ago

    In a way, you have been USED in between her relationships. You are going to have to let her know to deal with her own issues ALL BY HERSELF. Besides the boyfriends, she does have some type of unresolved problem dealing with herself. Some type of problem. Obviously, that something that did happen that you have not mentioned may have been a key factor.

    A suggestion would be to move on. It would not be in your best interest to be caught up in a love triangle. Boyfriends usually get some type of "hunch" or whatever, when it comes to girlfriends making secret phone calls, etc. to their guy friends, whatever. Have one heart to heart with her about this, and tell her that you are MOVING ON.

    And, the next time she contacts you, it must be when she is no longer with the guy, and then she is going to have to make a choice: Come clean, stop playing games, and let you know how she feels about you, if she would like to have a relationship with you, or be prepared to not hear from you ever, again, because these feelings for this woman are tearing you up inside, and you do not need to be hurt over this.

    And, you do not need to be used as some rebound or stand-in until she develops another relationship with someone else. Tell her! YOU are Not a SUCKER!!! I hope.

  • 7 years ago

    apparently you are codependent to her narcissistic personality disorder. Therapy will help you sort it out. Get away from her and stay away from her, she is toxic to you.....and apparently everyone she is around.

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