How to write a real relationship?

I feel all my fiction relationships are too cliched, anyone have any good advice on making them less so?

Update:

Thanks froggy for the advice- a snippet of them during a good spell.

"Mummy!" I was startled awake by the voice of the seven year old in the next room across. It was cold, freezing. The ice cutting at the stone floor of the castle. Twenty- two years to that day we had been back in my wife's true home. The twins had been babies. I could barely remember them being babies now at twenty three they were fast becoming young women. I remembered Susan's sad tears when they had first been fitted with corsets, the idea of our little ones being so grown up. They were so far our only children but if,in a one off, things were going well that may have been about to change.

My feet were beginning to turn to stone due to my wife having mummified herself in a fur knitted blanket and the woollen sheet underneath, took up almost all of them. She was too peaceful to be moved, one hand wrapped tight in the fur blanket and the other slung over her stomach.

I traced my fingers down her

2 Answers

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  • Froggy
    Lv 7
    7 years ago
    Favorite Answer

    Without examples of how you write them, it's hard to suggest any changes or possible improvements.

    ADDITIONAL.

    I wouldn't call your writing clichéd but it certainly is choppy.

    Several of these sentences can easily be run together to give a flowing read and adding more interest to your picture.

    "Mummy!"

    I was startled awake by the voice of the seven year old in the next room across THE HALLWAY. It was freezing AND ice WAS FORMING ON the stone floor of the castle. IT WAS twenty-two years to THIS day SINCE we had been in my wife's 'true' home AND THE twins had been babies THEN. I could barely remember them being babies AND now at twenty-three YEARS OLD they HAD BECOME young women. I remembered Susan's sad tears when they WERE first fitted with corsets AND the idea of our little ones being so grown up. They were our only children SO FAR, but if in a one off EVENT things were going well, that COULD BE about to change.

    My feet were beginning to turn to stone THANKS to my wife having mummified herself in a fur knitted blanket WITH A woollen sheet underneath, TAKING up almost all of THE AVAILABLE COVERS. She was too peaceful to be moved, one hand wrapped tight in the fur blanket and the other slung over her stomach.

    Hope some of this helps, but so long as you get the idea of word 'flow'.

    Source(s): Educator
  • Haley
    Lv 5
    7 years ago

    I don't think it's so much cliché as stilted - several sentences could easily be strung together.

    It was cold, freezing. - Not well written. Freezing is automatically cold though cold need not necessarily be freezing.

    The ice cutting at the stone floor of the castle. - That's an incomplete sentence.

    Source(s): haley
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