Not proud of this, but it might serve as a warning to others. On Saturday night I decided to buy myself a mock chop supper from the tasty looking chip shop in a small town on my way home from work. I have never had a mock chop before and, after this series of events, I will never have one again. I tried to eat as much as possible as I was ravenous after a hard nights graft but the chop had been sitting in the shop's heating grill for much too long and it was as hard as marble. I put the half eaten item back in the paper and rolled it up to be discarded later. Half way home my brain received a distress signal alerting me to the fact that the mock chop was not fresh enough for consumption and required evacuation from my internal digestion system within the next few minutes or my automatic ejection process would begin without my consent. I was forced to break the speed limit and return home as fast as Sir Isaac Newton would allow. When I parked my car outside my flat I was in some distress and my brain was receiving garbled emergency signals from my stomach as to the urgency of the situation. One thing was clear; I had mere seconds left before I would be reduced from a fine, upstanding member of the human race to a filthy, muck producing ape-creature with no more right to walk the streets than a rabid baboon. I should have rushed straight inside and retained what was left of my dignity but I had an attack of efficiency and noticed the rolled up chip paper with the half eaten chop inside sitting on the passenger seat next to me along with an empty can of coke. "If I throw these in the bin now I won't have to come back out here afterwards", I thought to myself. So I picked them up, got out, locked the car and ran up to the large (5ft tall) wheelie bin outside my flat. I opened the lid with one hand and launched the smelly refuse into the bin...... along with the keys to my car and flat. I stood there for a full 5 seconds unable to comprehend the consequences of my mistake. "Get the keys out of the bin before you soil yourself in the middle of the street", my mind yelled. I flung open the lid of the bin and lurched over the side. The sight that greeted me filled my soul with terror. I could see nothing at all as it was too dark. I pushed the lid all the way back and plunged deeper into the pile of stinking, 4 day old refuse. "Where are my keys, where are my *******, bastard keys aaaarrrgggh", I shouted. Suddenly my fingers brushed something metal and familiar but as I tried to clasp the objects they fell further towards the bottom of the bin. I jumped full bodied into the bin, the smell of the rotting silage filling my nose and burning my sinuses. I gagged, nearly throwing up. My legs were sticking straight up out of the top as I pulled myself into the putrid hell and then the urgency of finding my keys was replaced by another, far worse problem. "Emergency ejection system - ENGAGED!" said my stomach.
I found the keys after another 30 seconds of uncomfortable searching. I managed to turn myself upright in the bin and then stood up. A large woman in her late forties was walking up the hill and was quite shocked to see the putrid, smelly bin creature rise from the dumpster, shaking has fist at the sky and shouting, "God you utter bastard, I renounce you, hail Satan!!!". As I clambered out my phone buzzed. It was a text from the girl who I had met last night. "How are you?” it said. "I'm not right", I replied back then went and sat in the shower.