Anonymous
Anonymous asked in Family & RelationshipsFriends · 7 years ago

can my friend blame all her flaws on ADD?

She was diagnosed with ADD years ago, and she used to be away from school several days each week, which we accepted. She gets tired more easily and often has no energy, which again is something she and we have accepted as part of the ADD.

I don't know exactly what that diagnosis entails, she has quite unwilling to explain it to me as well, but I can't understand that ADD in some way is "responsible for" all her personality traits, and "therefore she cannot change".

She gives up on anything, fixing relationships, homework, you name it. She always gives in when she parttakes in discussions, and her friends always have to side with and defend her even if they don't agree themselves. She is, according to herself, not to blame in any situation in which she has been criticizewd. Lately, her sister has been shutting her out, claiming that she always gets her way, she always gets everything she points at. No matter what she demands, it is handed to her. She does not see any truth to this, though I do. Does the ADD make her blind to her own flaws?

Also, how can I deal with this? My friends and I really struggle to understand, and get through to her.

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  • 7 years ago
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    RAD (which my oldest daughter has). This is called Re-active Attachment Disorder. This is the type of disorder where people get VERY clingy on certain things. Example, I put gas in my car and my daughter flips out inside the car even though she can FULLY see me. She acts like I randomly abandoned her in a parking lot. THIS is RAD. My daughter also NEVER gives up on anything, in her mind it's considered abandonment. Anything involving abandoning/giving up on, she will NOT do.

    My daughter is NOT blind to her flaws. She sees a therapist to help her overcome her flaws, and has been making great strides. She knows AFTER the situation (such as putting gas in the car), that how she acted wasn't acceptable behavior. DURING, it is rather difficult for her to calm herself. This is one of the many steps that a therapist will go over with your friend/my daughter. The first step to handling this type of condition is to recognize what is happening (IE: Freaking out in the car), and then to take calming "steps" (These differ per person. My daughter was told to count to 15, and take 4 big deep breathes, etc). After an "episode", we then discuss how it made her feel and what we can do so that it does not happen in the future.

    Okay. As per ADD. ADD is actually called Attention Deficit Disorder. I have ADHD (similiar to ADD, but worse ;P). I forget things easily. I get distracted easily. I fidget a lot, and have issues writing huge responses like this, without having to figure out where I was before. ADD is an "attention" problem. It's not about attention OTHER people are getting, but MY attention on a certain thing. I also tend to show my emotions or thoughts without thinking first. So, when I'm upset about something or have an opinion - I spit it out. I like to say "I don't have a filter". I still don't have that filter that most people have. I just spit it out, and don't really think about what I'm REALLY saying or thinking. I almost always piss someone off. ;P I also have little patience.

    NOTE: ADD does NOT have anything to do with her "energy" levels. It MIGHT be her medication. Definately NOT her disorder causing that. The medication for ADD causes our minds to "slow down". Therefore, we seem a little more slugish then normal people.

    Both are completely DIFFERENT disorders. Your friend, MIGHT have ADD. Kids nowadays are easily diagnosed with disorders, and it can be really difficult to determine if your child REALLY has a disorder or not. (My daughter was actually misdiagnosed with Autism).

    As per her "giving in" during discussions, are you sure? With ADD most people don't "give in" during a discussion. They usually just forget what they were saying, and stop speaking. ;P That's how a lot of people with ADD are. Your friends should also not be forced to defend her. If your friend really had ADD she would forget her train of though, go off on another one OR she'd forget and stop speaking. THAT is ADD.

    As per her not being to blame for anything, that is 100% false. A disorder can cause SYMPTOMS, issues. But, they should not be used to explain EVERYTHING. They are not to be used as EXCUSES. A person with ADD will have issues FOCUSING, not with seeing how they act.

    Most people with just about ANY disorder, KNOWS how they act and WHY they act. They aren't BLIND to their actions. With RAD and ADD, we KNOW what we are doing and why. Hell, half the time I laugh at myself when I forget.

    I do feel that a person with ADD should have no issue with being criticized. I know for a fact that if I can't finish an argument, and someone laughs at me about it...I can't help but laugh either. If she doesn't like being criticized then, she should NEVER go out in the real world. LIFE is hard. She needs to get used to that. Your friend is being a baby about being criticized. Tell her to get over it.

    Do I feel that her condition causes problems for her? Yes. IF she has it. There can be a lot of issues in the real world if you have this disorder. However, if you are being criticized for not finishing that last debate with your friends at the lunch table...your friends should try to remain understanding about the situation.

    Also her parents shouldn't be babying her just because she has a disorder. In fact, babying a child with a disorder is the OPPOSITE of helping them. It just shows them that no matter what, even with bad behavior, they will be rewarded. I do NOT baby my child, she needs to learn how to calm herself down and think before she panics. My parents babied me, and unfortunately I never learned how to properly cope with my disorder.

    You have a choice, be her friend and put up with most of it. IE: Looking into her disorder and putting boundaries on her excuses. OR You can totally drop her as a friend.

    Source(s): Married 15 yrs.
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  • 7 years ago

    Missing a lot of school also means that she has missed a lot of social skills experience. No one sees their own flaws. People become aware of their flaws when they are modelled by someone else. For anyone to change they have to see a benefit for themselves, otherwise why change. She does not need your permission or approval to live her life. You have a choice. You either accept her for who she is or leave her to get on with her life. Good Luck

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