Jiggy
Lv 4
Jiggy asked in Arts & HumanitiesBooks & Authors · 7 years ago

Is the intro to my short story good? (: Be honest<3?

A Tragedy in San Herardo

By Alex Galeana

In the middle of the vast Sonoran desert stood a small, but blistering town called San Herardo. And in the middle of this small, but boisterous town called San Herardo lived a girl named Susanita and a boy named Jose Miguel. Other than living in the same town and going to the same school, Susanita and Jose Miguel were both polar opposites. Susanita was the local diputado’s daughter who was rich far beyond any of the other children, while Jose Miguel was the town’s poorest boy. Although Jose Miguel could afford no more than a loaf of bread per day, he was an extremely bright boy who spent his afternoons reading various books about a multitude of subjects. In contrast, Susanita was a spoiled brat who only cared about the materialistic aspects of life and learnt to love no one but herself. Ironically, while Jose Miguel was promised nothing more than a life of predestined poverty and limited success, Susanita, through a deal between her father and the town’s governante, was promised a life of luxury and even a say in the town’s political affairs in the near future. Although these two soon-to-be lovers had nothing in common, Jose Miguel fell in love with Susanita’s mysterious beauty and radiating aura. Every day, Jose Miguel would leave a white rose in Susanita’s front porch for her to pick up on her way to school. But in order to do so, Jose Miguel had to wake up an hour early, each morning, to drop off his rose and make it to school on time. Being the wealthiest girl in town, Susanita was forbidden to talk to a vagrant like Jose Miguel and constantly rejected his romantic advances. She even went as far as burning Jose Miguel’s roses in front of the entire school to make her intentions clear. Jose Miguel was not only crushed, but also ridiculed and bullied by all of his peers. His friends considered him a hopeless romantic and constantly discouraged him from pursuing Susanita. But Jose Miguel never lost hope and continued leaving more and more roses for his love – waiting for the day that she would realize how truly much he cared about her. Susanita was puzzled by Jose Miguel’s over-insistent behavior, but soon became accustomed to it. She found no remorse in throwing away any of his roses and even found pleasure in doing so.

Update:

1st answer: how so? (:

10 Answers

Relevance
  • Alyssa
    Lv 4
    7 years ago
    Favorite Answer

    It's alright, but I get what the first answer said about it being factual. I think the best way to start a story is to leave a question in the reader's mind. Instead of going "this is how it is," you should make the reader ask, "how is it?" and then gradually reveal the details to answer their question.

    For example, Toni Morrison's "Beloved" (not the happiest example, but it's all that came to mind) starts with "124 was spiteful. Full of a baby's venom." This immediately confuses the reader and gets them wondering. What is 124? How can a a baby have venom? What does this mean? She goes on to explain how the house is haunted with the ghost of a dead baby and all our questions are eventually answered. However, we are more absorbent of the details because we are hooked. If she had dumped all the information in a straightforward narrative format, we may have been bored.

    Does that help a little bit? It's not the information so much as how you convey it. Give the reader a little suspense, even if it means waiting for all the pieces to come together.

    • Login to reply the answers
  • 7 years ago

    My editing is in ( )

    In the middle of the vast Sonoran desert stood a small, but blistering town called San Herardo (Show the reader - don't tell). And in the middle of this small, but boisterous town called San Herardo lived a girl named Susanita and a boy named Jose Miguel (I guess this sentence is okay. It has those fairy tale opening feels to it). Other than living in the same town and going to the same school, Susanita and Jose Miguel were both polar opposites. Susanita was the local diputado’s daughter who was rich far beyond any of the other children, while Jose Miguel was the town’s poorest boy. Although Jose Miguel could afford no more than a loaf of bread per day, he was an extremely bright boy who spent his afternoons reading various books about a multitude of subjects. In contrast, Susanita was a spoiled brat who only cared about the materialistic aspects of life and learnt to love no one but herself (Thus far, It's interesting to read, but it reads like a chunk of information rather than a story).

    The rest of your story is much the same: You are telling more than you are showing. I can feel you want to get the story going, but there is so much information here, it makes the reader feel overwhelmed.

    • Login to reply the answers
  • 7 years ago

    It's okay. Yes, it is a little factual.

    Also, a little repetitive, like

    "...a town called Herardo. And in this small town called San Herardo..."

    Don't repeat the name so many times.

    And also, you can just say Jose. You don't need Miguel all the time.

    Is that his last name or middle name?

    Or is it part of his first name? If it is, it should be JoseMiguel or Jose-Miguel. Not separate.

    Even if it is part of his first name, it's annoying to keep repeating it. Give him the nickname of Jose.

    It's okay. It's actually pretty good writing, but you just need some improvements. Try to make it a little more captivating.

    • Login to reply the answers
  • Anonymous
    7 years ago

    I am already mad at Susanita! What a horrible person - you would really have to sell me on this girl to make me like her. I already think Jose Miguel is way too good for her. If he is really smart, wouldn't he want a girl who is pretty and nice? Boys! It's always about the physical beauty and never about the REAL beauty! LOL well I think you have some really good ideas here if you got me this worked up already.

    I do agree there is a lot of telling and not showing in your work though. Check out this link: http://www.bookhooks.com/showdonttell.pdf. It is an article about how to convey information to readers without just telling them all the details like you did above. Please read this - I really think you have a great idea for a story and I seriously would want to read it when your done. Good luck!

    • Login to reply the answers
  • How do you think about the answers? You can sign in to vote the answer.
  • Hakuna
    Lv 5
    7 years ago

    Bro, its OKAY. but you need to spice up that imagery. A story should bring the reader into the world that the story is creating. Make it easy to read (that means keep overly fancy words that many readers wont catch to a minimum. It kind of seems like you are doing a book report on Arabian nights lol (not literally, but the jist of the story)

    Imagery will help me and the other readers into this world you want to bring us into. You must describe in detail what your story is about, the setting, and what the characters feel as you are writing in the third person. Third person writing is hard because you have to bring every little detail to the readers attention when you tell each characters story.

    I know you can do better bro, just make me and the other readers picture what you are trying to depict in your story :)

    Edit: Tell the background of their stories, make them interesting characters. Is your main character the town, the concept, or the characters?

    and as what everyone else said don't repeat yourself so much :)

    • Login to reply the answers
  • 3 years ago

    provided which you carry £a million,000 in a sealed envelope to my abode addressed to 'The Tiffany Lamp'. it is going to likely be well worth it, have confidence me. @Lea: 2 Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps reference? Lol, do no longer look it up it is not an outstanding teach in any respect. it extremely is one in each of those 'so undesirable it is reliable' issues. a character referred to as Johnny is killed off by potential of being eaten by potential of a shark. on the tip of the episode his lady buddy comes on and says some thing alongside the strains of 'he jumped over the shark, however the shark ate him.' What a random thank you to kill off a character.

    • Login to reply the answers
  • Anonymous
    7 years ago

    Very talented writer I think I shall give you an 9/10 I might not comeback to this question but if you want constructive criticism or feed back on my grade then comment back.

    • Login to reply the answers
  • Terry
    Lv 7
    7 years ago

    If he could only manage to buy a small loaf of bread a day because he was so poor. How did he manage to buy all those roses?

    • Login to reply the answers
  • Anonymous
    7 years ago

    No.

    Writing rule #1 show, don't tell. That was a long list of telling

    • Login to reply the answers
  • 7 years ago

    It's kinda factual...

    You need to make it more interesting.

    • Login to reply the answers
Still have questions? Get your answers by asking now.